Confrontation!

[lotusblume]

Hi everyone,

I've been feeling like I should maybe confront my parents. For myself, of course. Things will probably get worse, in terms of them denying, blame shifting, scapegoating, etc. Or straight up ignoring. That's what they did when I confronted them about the series of events that originally got me Out of the FOG.

However, I've been feeling really restless lately. More acceptance, more anger, and just wanting to let them know that I'm not afraid of them. (I realise that in a way is still looking for validation.) I'm aware I still have some emotional fantasies about them changing, validating me, loving me or apologizing, but I'm aware of them and I don't believe that's the source of my urge to confront. It's more about wanting to stand up for myself, once and for all, put the blame where it belongs, and get them out of my head.

I find myself still having arguments with them in my head. I feel like maybe putting it out there, will provide me with a lot of relief. It will also be a sure way to say, I won't be responding to any contact, and if u harass me there will be consequences.

Part of me also hopes they will find peace, maybe grow in the long term. Most of all, that I find peace and can let go of all the dark energy and get out of this place ive been in for two years. I want to move on, start a family, and not feel guilty and burdened anymore.

I hesitated posting here because I want to make the decision for myself with no validation, but I've been obsessing over it anyhow, so maybe some would like to share their experiences.

Has confronting your parents been something you have done? Has it been worth it, for you, and helped you heal, grow, and release anger? Made you feel better/worse?

Please feel free to share. Thank you.

Lotus

[lotusblume]

PS - this confrontation would be by letter. It goes into my childhood, explaining what they did, how it affected me then and now, etc. Also discusses family dynamics. Basically, laying as much of it on the table as I coherently can.

[Morocha2015]

I completely understand the need for closure for yourself. My parents have accused me of being too vague with my NC announcement letter. But I'd ask you to question how you'll feel if all your feelings are met with invalidation. How will you feel if you're called a liar, ungrateful, or crazy, in the oh so subtle way PDs present things? Are you able to brush that off, or will it send you into an emotional flashback (it would me)? Just something to think about. You'll find support here no matter your decision. 

[TwentyTwenty]

I'm sorry that you are going through this, and completely understand. I sent such a letter, certified mail - signature required, BEFORE we finally went NC from VLC.

They replied via email said I was a horrible, evil cult leader, that was brainwashing my family and grown children; lying and that God would strike me down.

They also said my wife, who also witnessed nM screaming and assault me on our last day of physical contact, was lying about what she witnessed, and she could get in legal trouble (she's a green card immigrant) and had better watch out or there would be consequences to pay.

We did not reply, and have been totally NC ever since.

I've no need to re-explain or have any contact whatsoever, validate or justify anything to them ever again.

When they die, there will just be 2 less people in the world that believe that I'm an evil person.

[FogDawg]

PS - this confrontation would be by letter. It goes into my childhood, explaining what they did, how it affected me then and now, etc. Also discusses family dynamics. Basically, laying as much of it on the table as I coherently can.

You can pour your heart out and spend a full day writing a letter with concrete examples and it will not make the slightest bit of difference. If you feel the need to get it out, do it for yourself, though I would suggest not actually sending the letter, as, speaking from experience, it will not bring the desired results; you will still be the 'crazy' one who is only 'thinking' that it was done to you.

[Psuedonym]

Hey lotusblume,

I wrote a letter like this when I went NC a year ago and have no regrets. It was a very fact based letter mostly about things that had happened in the last 10 years and included stuff like things her own therapist had said in front of me. I stayed out of the emotional realm for the most part and focused on her behavior, largely as observed by others. It was an important thing to do for me for a few reasons:

1) No one had never said any of this to her. I am an only and my dad, much as I loved him, was 100% enabling. Like she would call him an asshole and he'd apologize. And I was frankly scared to find out would happen if anybody stopped going along with it (it was an epic tantrum, btw). I really wanted for once in my life to be able to tell the truth.

2) I really didn't know how bad she was until this happened. I had figured out that she was PD, but I didn't know the extent of it. In the year that's followed, knowing that she has lost contact with not only her only child but only relative in a 1000 mile radius, she can't even half heartedly fake an attempted apology or offer to change. As others have mentioned, its been a non stop smear campaign of me to my H, our relatives, friends, and frankly anybody who will listen. I've been accused of being mentally unstable, a liar, ungrateful, immature, etc. etc.

All of which is really important and actually helpful to me. If I hadn't done it, I think I would have been plagued with feelings of 'well maybe she doesn't really understand and if she knew, she could change, etc. The reaction to the letter has proven she's a full fledged PD of the highest order; she'd rather say terrible things about me to everyone she meets rather than take accountability for her own actions. It's been very clarifying. I also think it was very important for me to actually say how I felt and not have the world come to an end. That was empowering.

Really I think it comes down to what you want to get out of it. If you're looking for validation or an apology, not so much. If you're looking to state the truth and ensure you've done everything you can to lay the situation out there for them and give them the opportunity to take action (knowing they won't) then I think it can be very healing.

[Psuedonym]

...just an add on to that. In the last year, I have had many positive changes in my life. The biggest one was in my career. I had a good job and was well paid but I had also never asked for anything; I had seen other people get promoted and advance a lot more in the company. I think I thought I wasn't entitled to ask for too much or that my friends were somehow better than me. About six months after I wrote this letter I had a new job opportunity and I said 'okay but I want (and added 50% more than my current salary.) Comany's response was: sure. Sounds fair.


Who knew? I think this 100% came out of me finally standing up for myself by writing the letter, so there is a tangible example of a positive outcome for you.

[Kiki81]

I had an in-person confrontation before I could understood that it would be futile. It was also poisonous and took about a year to get over. Prior to this, I'd sent a letter. No response from my parents to The Letter.

I'm a firm NC going on 6 years. They are 88 and 89 and this means that I saw them for the last time 6 years ago. It's an ending to our relationship that I'm unwilling to reconsider. I care about today and the future vs the past.

[MiniWheat]

So interesting!

I'm NC, and my therapist recently suggested I work on such a letter. I've written a couple "unsent" letters, one of which is on this site, to help me process. I hear that you want to put some of their actions in front of them to see.

As others have stated, if you're looking for an apology or for them to 'get it' you're going to be dissapointed. However, I get that it could be part of the letting go process.

For me, the letter I will be working on will in part be a re-stating of boundaries. My uPDm has been pushing boundaries since NC. My therapist recommended the following basic format:

She wants contact with me,
Here are all the things in the way (past abuses, past and current behaviours),
Here's the effect it had on me,
For there to be contact strict boundaries and next steps to be followed.

Good luck, let us know if you decide to do it and how it goes.

[lotusblume]

Thank you all so much for your replies. I think this is a good topic to speak about. We all feel differently about it or are at different places.

Since I posted the original question, I have done some thinking, some reading, some talking and some feeling.

Basically, I was motivated to write that letter for different reasons. My intention was to stand up for myself and get them to back off, and if I go deeper, to rebuke them (harshly), let them know exactly what I have realised, and put the blame where it belongs. All really, really healthy stuff that I was avoiding, was keeping me stuck in the same foggy spot. The letter was angry and sometimes rational and exact, sometimes raw. I realise now that I won't send it. It would be giving my power away. It would be driven by anger and vengeance and keep me in the position of immaturity; subservience to them if I shared it.

However, getting it all out there to MYSELF was essential! Tapping into my anger that deeply and getting it in writing was another step, a big one.

I do believe that I still have some confronting to do, I dream about confronting different family members almost every night. However, for now I've decided I should wait until I truly feel ready for that. Where I can be more centered and not waver, where I can confront from a place that is free of vengeance and bitterness. When I can calmly express what I want to express, and feel good about myself, regardless of the outcome. I will give myself more space to experience this new feeling of ancient anger that has surfaced, and work through it.

One step at a time.

Good luck to you all and keep posting your stories! I thank you for taking part in the discussion.

[MiniWheat]

Thank you all so much for your replies. I think this is a good topic to speak about. We all feel differently about it or are at different places.

Since I posted the original question, I have done some thinking, some reading, some talking and some feeling.

Basically, I was motivated to write that letter for different reasons. My intention was to stand up for myself and get them to back off, and if I go deeper, to rebuke them (harshly), let them know exactly what I have realised, and put the blame where it belongs. All really, really healthy stuff that I was avoiding, was keeping me stuck in the same foggy spot. The letter was angry and sometimes rational and exact, sometimes raw. I realise now that I won't send it. It would be giving my power away. It would be driven by anger and vengeance and keep me in the position of immaturity; subservience to them if I shared it.

However, getting it all out there to MYSELF was essential! Tapping into my anger that deeply and getting it in writing was another step, a big one.

I do believe that I still have some confronting to do, I dream about confronting different family members almost every night. However, for now I've decided I should wait until I truly feel ready for that. Where I can be more centered and not waver, where I can confront from a place that is free of vengeance and bitterness. When I can calmly express what I want to express, and feel good about myself, regardless of the outcome. I will give myself more space to experience this new feeling of ancient anger that has surfaced, and work through it.

One step at a time.

Good luck to you all and keep posting your stories! I thank you for taking part in the discussion.

Sounds like really healthy processing, great work, keep it up!

[freedom77]

My take on it...

As NON-personality disordered folk, we naturally want to communicate our feelings, point out truthful, factual events and how they impacted us at some of the most vulnerable times of our lives...and naturally as NON-personality disordered people, one would expect an owning up to and an apology for wrongs committed, because that is what WE would do. But WE are "normal"ish people, and THEY are not.

So what I predict will happen is complete amnesia on behalf of the offender/s, and a re-writing of history, and that you are the nutty, crazy liar who is just trying to taint their spotless parenting record.

It's such a hard fact to accept, and very frustrating most of all, but PD people cannot be reasoned with, and will not ever accept blame or responsibility of any kind when it comes to being confronted by those of us who had to figure out how to survive them. They will turn it all around onto YOU, victim shame and name call, and bring up any and all mistakes you ever made as evidence of your faulty thinking and choice making.

All in all, you may find closure in the very bravery of your act of finally confronting them and "airing it out"...but I highly doubt you will get any kind of acknowledgement or amends from them, rather invalidation is what you can expect.

Also...to echo others...depending on how vindictive the PD person is, (borderlines and narcs tend to be atrociously vindictive and ruthless in their vengeance) there is always the threat of retribution. I know my mother has gone to lengths that surprised even me when confronted, or even if she felt me drifting from her tentacle-like grasp. She saw this as disloyal, a threat of abandonment (like hello...when you abuse people they tend to bolt or revolt), and she did some pretty shitty things. Like calling my workplace to make false reports about me, turning of my water and electric by impersonating me on the phone so I'd come home from a long hard day at work to a hot apartment and no running water...nice...very nice...breaking in by using a spare key and taking my things or trashing my stuff...I could go on...

Anyway, I would never tell you not to do something that's important to you...but those of us with experience in confronting our abusers pretty much sing the same song...it's called, Don't Expect Much Unless You Expect Invalidation...

[FogDawg]

...but those of us with experience in confronting our abusers pretty much sing the same song...it's called, Don't Expect Much Unless You Expect Invalidation...

You nailed it, freedom77.

Is there some way to add attachments that I am simply missing? For amusement, I would like to share a snippet of my version of it If it is not apparent from some recent replies, I like to occasionally give people a break from the seriousness and hopefully bring a laugh via the injection of a touch of humor; I cope to a great extent in that manner and in no way want to come across as diminishing, which I hope that I have not at any point.

[Maxtrem]

Hi,
Personally, I think you should talk to a psychologist before making such a decision. Personally, I tried to expose some inconsistencies in the behaviour of my mother uBPD, at first she thought about it and called me back an hour later to tell me that it was me I was talking about. She only made a projection and even said that she doesn't understand my anxiety problems, because I have everything: money, a fiance, a house, etc. It seems impossible to really confront people who think they are basically doing nothing wrong. I came out of this conversation with little hope and disappointment.
I wish you good luck in your decision, but personally I wouldn't confront someone who can't be reasoned. My psychologist told me that it takes 3 years to cure BPD and that the success rate is very low.