THEY ARE NEVER GOING TO LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!

[BettyGray]

It's been nearly 5 years NC with FOO. Rocky at first, then better with each passing year. Especially in the last year or so - I have come into a stability I really have never known.

But it hasn't been without a share of attempted contacts. I have been able to thwart all of them. Blocking social media,  phones, changing numbers, moving to a new address with no way to find me.

But they always find a new way, don't they? It is infuriating but I try to move past it and keep going forward.

They keep getting sneakier. I have an online store. Today I checked my email and there it was. An order from my oldest brother. Which I cannot exactly ignore. 

So they have now forced contact. I am so angry but I knew it would happen sooner or later. I guess I will treat it like any other order and just mail it out. I don't even want the measly $20 order. It goes directly into my bank account. And if they think they're going to somehow trick me into putting a return address on the package, they are sorely mistaken. My business only has a PO Box, which I don't even think is listed online.

I can't shut down my store, as it is public and a source of income. And even though I know they can't really do anything, it is still just so annoying. Jeez- why can't they JUST LEAVE ME ALONE???!!!!

I know many of you here deal with this nonsense. I know I still have the power, and that I am winning the chess game. I don't get as upset as I used to. But this a new, desperate attempt. And I am not sure how to handle it.

I guess I could not ship it. I mean, what is the worst that can happen? A bad review? Not that I would put it past them. What - are they gonna sue me?

Any of you had to deal with something like this? I am kind of at a loss, as I haven't been put in this position before.
Any advice is appreciated. I am kinda stumped.

[Starboard Song]

This a new, desperate attempt. And I am not sure how to handle it.

I guess I could not ship it. I mean, what is the worst that can happen? A bad review? Not that I would put it past them. What - are they gonna sue me?

Any of you had to deal with something like this? I am kind of at a loss, as I haven't been put in this position before.
Any advice is appreciated. I am kinda stumped.

First of all, you are doing a great job. When you opted for NC you meant it: you aren't passively listening to voice mail messages, or reading texts and emails. That's above average performance already.

If your online store is not for personalized items, I would encourage you to ship the purchase exactly as you would to any stranger. Don't include any handwriting, and don't include a return address. You'll have treated this as generically as possible, and gotten the sale. I'm concerned that any other approach requires you to be more active, not less, purposely diverging from standard, neutral, impersonal business practices. Will they try, then, to return the product or otherwise engage with you through this Trojan Horse purchase? Could be. As you say, this is a very long road we are on. (I am 4 years NC from our in-laws.)

You're disciplined. You will only (at most) engage as a store owner, and will disregard any attempt at personal communications. You are strong. Your are doing the right and hard thing for yourself. You are giving yourself a place to thrive. This is not only for yourself, but for those around you, who are blessed by your friendship, love, and decency.

Be good. Be Strong.

[NumbLotus]

I agree, do the transaction as impersonally as possible. Ship it. No handwriting. If you have a slip in the lackage that sounds warm and friendly, don't include it, or switch to a more formal message ("Thank you for your purchase. Here are the instructions for the product.")

If you get a complaint or return request, reply with what looks like a form reply. "We're sorry to her you were not satisfied. Please return the item to this PO Box for a refund." Sign it with your store name. As if it were an automated reply.

If personal communication is mixed with a product complaint, reply only an automated seeming reply and ignore the personal.

If your biz email isn't already impersonal, consider making a gmail account or something with your store name, even if you just use it for this one thing. Make sure you don't put your name in to be used for tge headers - biz only.

A thought to consider is actually going another step and using another name, like you have an employee or partner. Not sure if that would be realistic. But if there is any chance your communication could come from "Joe" or "Ann" (no last name), give it some thought.

Again, every step of the way make them unsure you've even noticed it's them, unsure if it's actually you handling it, unsure how automated it might be, etc.

Why can't they just leave you alone??

[Rose1]

Id be wary. This could lead to long emails of complaint about the product. How about "sadly due to an oversight this product is out of stock. Apologies signed Fred"

[Seven]

Curious as to the platform..Amazon, eBay, Poshmark, etc. I sell on all and I understand the ding it can take on your metrics if you cancel pre-shipment.  I'd love to be able to tell you what to do, but it really depends on a little bit deeper information if you're willing to give it.

[p123]

Yeh I'd be tempted to send the "out of stock" email. Make it look automated lol.

Lucky you've got the PO box too! I reckon he did this trying to get your address.....

Wow. Surely this is close to being harassment?

[JustKat]

Curious as to the platform..Amazon, eBay, Poshmark, etc. I sell on all and I understand the ding it can take on your metrics if you cancel pre-shipment.

I'm a longtime seller on eBay. After I went NC I ghosted and move to a new house, so they went to great lengths to find my address. One day I saw my sister had placed a bid on one of my eBay auctions. Fortunately, it was auction format so I canceled all the bids and selected "item no longer available." She never tried again after that but I felt so violated when it happened. Platforms like eBay are tough because the buyer can ding your feedback, as Seven said. If you're okay taking that risk, then yeah, you might want to cancel the order and not ship. They'll probably use it in their smear campaign but if you're NC you may not care at this point.

If you're not worried about a bad review, then not shipping might be your best option. You could also ship with no return address. If you use a PO Box they'll probably start sending mail to the box address.

This is really a tough one. I do think your response depends on the platform you're using and the policies they have for canceling orders. I really hope you can shut them down. It really is harassment.

[Starboard Song]

You've got us warning you that not shipping the product could lead to complaints.
You've got us warning you that shipping the product could lead to returns and complaints.

Hint: we cannot predict what is going to happen.

Since negative feedback is within their power either way, I'd suggest the approach that (1) makes you feel like you did your best, and (2) does not expose any personal information or conscript you to any personal communications.

[all4peace]

 

Being faced with difficult people and impossible situations has taught me to try my hardest to do the thing I can live with, since I can't predict or control what the other person will do. It sucks to be put in the position to need to make ANY decision at all, and that has been the hallmark of our PD families....they think up ways to force contact and decisions.

You've got this, although it's not fun to have to deal with it.

[p123]

A lot have got it way worse than me but it amazes me that relatives won't respect your decison. It seems some people feel they have a right to contact you and you are not allowed to decide for yourself.

I find it amazing the lengths family will go to with this sort of thing.

[freedom77]

Two ideas come to mind...

As Rose1 said, make excuse that it's not available, so sorry. The caveat to that is they can just order something else, or something else, or something else...

Or as other posters said treat it as you would any other order...ship it and forget it. Be very impersonal. Thanks for your order, here is your order. If you can somehow not include a return address, all the better, even your POB, if you have moved to another state/region, now they will know where.

As for them making a litany of complaints about the product, same thing you would do for any other customer, follow the rules, respond to the complaint, refund the money, what have you...same thing you would do for Jane Doe.

If they do that, perhaps there is a clause in your business that states you do not have to continue business with them once the original order is settled. Some online stores, like Poshmark, say something about not doing future transactions with problematic/abusive buyers.

Of course nothing's stopping them from having another relative be a new customer. Again, wash, rinse, repeat. Eventually the game will become tiring as they are not getting what they want, which appears to be your info, your reaction, or best of all, closing your store.

Just treat it like you would any other deal. Don't allow emotions to creep in, don't react, just do business as usual.

[Seven]

This is a problem, especially with Amazon.  If you're not a seasoned amazon seller, one wouldn't understand the litany of DOs and DONTs.  Account suspensions are running rampant, and one of those is family members buying items and leaving product reviews, which is entirely different than leaving seller feedback (performance based)  One is not like the other.  So if they buy and leave a product review, that is a door for account suspension, and there goes livelihood.  Seller feedback is a different story, but depends on where metrics currently stand.  Then there's the dreaded C word.  Counterfeit,  (fake, inauthentic, doesn't seem real)  Even if that Word is not left in a product review or seller feedback, it can be left for "reason for return".  BAM account suspension. Amazon is run by bots looking for any version of those phrases. seller support runs off a script and gives 0 shits, most people need to hire a lawyer to get funds released if account is suspended. And you can't block a buyer on Amazon. 

Only saving grace regarding if it's an amazon purchase is if it was a "prime" order.  In that case the return address shows the address of the fulfillment warehouse and not the address of OP. This is probably not that situation though.

So, again, a lot really depends on the platform and where OP stand in regards to metrics.

[Seven]

It has just dawned on me that if you can buy postage for this order through PayPal (PayPal.com/shipnow) then you can always put in a bogus return address.  Your tracking would still be valid. You'd just have to manually key the tracking number into amazon or eBay.

[BettyGray]

Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts and words of encouragement.

I decided a package with a typed label, no return address was the way to go. Impersonal. For those of you who are curious, I run my business through BigCartel. I don't have that many products, or loads of inventory, so saying something is out of stock isn't really a viable option. But I think just sending and getting this whole thing over with is my best option.

Having a rough week altogether. The same day as the order came through, my nephews's mom (Divorced from my brother 20 years ago), with whom I used to be somewhat close (before my evil mom and sis successfully drive her out of the family - along with my brother's infidelity) followed me on Instagram.

My dear FIL is awaiting biopsy results for what is most likely lung cancer. He was in the hospital all last week with sort of unrelated things which is when the scans revealed a mass. So DH is bearing most, but not all, of the caretaking responsibilities.

On top of that, DH's aunt and godmother is going into surgery in a week or so, and he has been helping her with legal work/power of attorney/end of life stuff and is the go-between with his cousins. So in between all of the hospital trips for his dad, he has been traveling back and forth to help his aunt. A second Aunt went into surgery yesterday for a hip replacement. It's a pretty tight-knit family. It is all soooooo heavy. And plus  the world falling apart and corronavirus pandemic scares...most of the hospital staff were wearing face masks. Creepy.

On top of all of that, my beloved 18 year old cat seems to have developed symptoms of hypo-thyroidism. Taking her to the vet soon to get more information. Other than that she is healthy and acting her normal self. But if something happens to her, I may just have a mental breakdown.

So you can understand why I just don't need this utter nonsense boundary cross from my family.

Taking it one step, one day at a time. All we can do. On a high note, I am - and my relationship with DH - finally stable enough to handle all of it. But why did it all have to happen like an avalanche- all at once?

Thanks for letting me vent. You guys are the best. Xoxo

[LemonLime]

I'm so sorry Liz.

[JustKat]

Liz, I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time. Life is hard enough without the extra aggravation of PD parents stalking us. Please vent as much as you want. That's what we're here for.

[nanotech]

Sometimes it does feel like an avalanche. And we cannot lean on family because many of them are part of the problems (s) so we feel it very, very acutely.
It's testing times for us.
Remember, you can nurture your own inner child. You can be there for your good self. Talk to her, and give her the unconditional love she needs, and of course deserves. We all deserve that and we're all good enough!
Remember when you feel overwhelmed, that it's ok to feel like that, never pleasant, to feel panicky and sad, but it's ok.
You can.
It's actually a sign you are doing very well. You are carrying on.
You've got your relationship, and your cat can get treatment if need be.  Hubby is doing a lot for family and it's all really worrying.
Remember that they are all getting very good treatment. The coronavirus  thingie- if I were you I'd decide that it just isn't time to add that to your worry list.
Well done you for being so brilliant and holding everything together like a trooper.
You're very capable. 👍👍👍👍👍