Steps to take after going no contact

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Blacck

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Steps to take after going no contact
« on: January 11, 2020, 11:14:31 PM »
So I finally managed to move out of a house with a uBPD *mom* and and uNPD *sibling*, it's been 20 days and I'm really struggling interacting with the new people, I especially moved to a western country where people are much open and acknowledging of human within so it's really hard because there is so much trauma and pain between me and the outer shell of me.

The depression is a really bummer, but it's also caused by unacknowledged pain or all the emotional abuse I was made to swallow, I don't feel like a normal person at all, never did, hopefully I can talk about it here, and maybe feel normal? Find my way back to a normal self and restore my self-worth? Man the depression though, if anyone knows any tips to dealing with it I'd be happy to know, it's really affecting my ability to interact with people
« Last Edit: January 11, 2020, 11:17:31 PM by Blacck »

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TwentyTwenty

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Re: Steps to take after going no contact
« Reply #1 on: January 12, 2020, 04:42:23 AM »
Hi, I’m sorry you are going through this. 20 days is still extremely close to your separation event, and I’m guessing you have a flood of mixed emotions, and dealing with trying to process. I can relate very well, and had some very tough times in the first couple of months.

I can offer my opinion on what helped me.

In my case, I was very honest and open that me and my parents were estranged. I knew the reasons, I wasn’t ashamed or embarrassed about it and wanted my closest friends and co-workers to know what I was going through. I found that 2 of my co-workers were also estranged, and I was surprised to know ‘I’m not the only one’. It brought comfort, and reassurance to know that ‘other folks are dealing with abusive parenat and siblings. This forum has been a great resource knowing that there are others also going through the same sort of things.

I big part of my healing was to focus on my well being. I decided to destroy the cage that my parents had made for me by focusing on my future, not my abused past, and the positive elements of me and my life. I’m a good person, having compassion and honorable qualities, I’m a positive influence in the world and hope the best for every single person that I encounter. My future is what I decide it to be, not what was prescribed for me, and I’ll never live in a cage of condemnation for anyone ever again. Find things in your life, people that believe in you, and those that lift you up, not tear you down. F#*k anyone that doesn’t agree with your new direction of hope, happiness and peace, those that would muddy the water or make you second guess your decision to do the best things required in order to have a peaceful, happy life.

I had to come to understand that I DO deserve to be healthy, happy, peaceful. Anyone that has a different message for me is not for me, but against me, and I simply do not wish to have them in my sphere of influence.

I had to learn to not care about people or messages that threaten to tear me down, and learn to focus on, and promote thoughts, friendships and spend time on the positive aspects of my life.

In short, I had to re-train myself to turn my thoughts to the things that edify and build me up, and drop the baggage of anything else that opposes my progress in a positive direction.

We all deserve to be happy and have peace, so those are the things I try and fill my thoughts with. Kind of like: ‘You are what you eat’... except ‘You are what you think’.

« Last Edit: January 12, 2020, 04:45:46 AM by TwentyTwenty »

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Starboard Song

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Re: Steps to take after going no contact
« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2020, 09:50:07 AM »
...I don't feel like a normal person at all, never did, hopefully I can talk about it here, and maybe feel normal? Find my way back to a normal self and restore my self-worth? Man the depression though, if anyone knows any tips to dealing with it I'd be happy to know, it's really affecting my ability to interact with people

You certainly can talk about it here, and it will at least help you feel more normal. Because you are not alone.

I was raised by two of the finest people to ever walk the earth, and enjoy strong self-esteem and broad peace of mind. My wife is healing. All the resources in the top line of my signature were the ones that she felt helped her the most, and reading them was helpful even to me.

You have a wonderful world and life ahead of you. Please do not be ashamed of your past in any way. Plan tomorrow and this weekend and next month instead.

Be good. Be strong.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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Morocha2015

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Re: Steps to take after going no contact
« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2020, 02:17:13 PM »
Good for you for moving away! I agree with what's been said. I was very afraid to share with people about the estrangement, I thought they'd judge me and accuse me of being cruel or crazy. In my experience, most people are incredibly compassionate and sympathetic of the situation. A lot of people also know others who are estranged, or have family members themselves who they say act in the ways I describe my parents. These conversations have been very healing to me.

In addition to the forum and other resources suggested, two books that really helped me were Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and Complex PTSD by Pete Walker. I'd also encourage you to find some kind of social group. Join a church, a local sports league, or have a friend introduce you to people they know. Build a community for yourself.

The other thing I'd offer is to really take care of yourself. Cook healthy foods that you love. Get exercise, something that's fun for you (running, Pilates, basketball), just something you enjoy that makes you break a sweat. Get enough sleep. Find something you're passionate about and make time to do it. It'll help you find yourself again.

Keep posting and reading on here, and give yourself patience to heal. It's a long journey, but the best is yet to come.
« Last Edit: January 16, 2020, 02:22:44 PM by Morocha2015 »

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KeepingMyBlue

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Re: Steps to take after going no contact
« Reply #4 on: February 04, 2020, 07:27:52 PM »
Blacck, you are in good company here. Welcome!

:hugs: