GC DH is also the SG

[Pepin]

Such an odd dynamic but at least confirmable.  While DH is a GC in PDMil's eyes, he is a SG within the rest of his family - that would include his siblings and their families and his cousins and their families.  When we gather together  DH always sits next to PDMil.  ALWAYS.  Like he is protecting her or providing her support when the others want nothing to do with her.  Reasonable though, why would they want to be near her?  She assigned roles to all her children ad of course DH's siblings are steamed that he is a GC.

But, as DH's wife, even though I have worked hard to plant seeds for DH and remain neutral overall about the situation, it bothers me a lot.  I am sad that thanks to PDMil, I am being denied meaningful relationships with DH's siblings and their families.  Our children are also suffering the same...as a whole, we are all being kept apart from each other because of this enmeshment scenario.

Since DH's siblings and cousins are unwilling to make an effort, it just means more people to cut from my life.  They bring me no joy through any sort of interaction.  At times, we have gotten on well and I am hopeful and excited to see them again -- and then, they ignore me like the plague because of the read they are getting from DH and PDMil. 

There is going to be a big gathering again this summer for PDMil and I really don't want to go.  There is no exact date set so I cannot plan.  Out of town siblings are flying in  and there is the expectation that we will all need to be together for a few hours.  I think this means setting massive boundaries. 

I know I can't change people but I wish DH would see the dysfunction. 

[HotCocoa]

Pepin, I'm sorry you're hurting like this. 

I know dealing with PD's and setting boundaries within a family scenario is very hard. 

It has been my experience, PD's run over you like a freight train.  That is how I always felt. 

I get the feeling you are finding it very difficult to draw a line in the sand and state for the record, these are my boundaries.  They need to be for you and your children.  Write them out, let your husband know.

One of them might be to let your husband know that from now on, he should be sitting with you at all family functions.  That he is your spouse and you expect this consideration.  Another may be, you stay for a limited time that you set in advance and then leave, no matter what. 

One may be, you let this get together go by and no one attends.  Whatever you are comfortable with.  You can start with smaller boundaries and work your way up.  Whatever that may be.  But boundaries are important for your mental and emotional well-being.  You can't have every get together feel like you are being thrown into a lion's den. 

[Pepin]

Pepin, I'm sorry you're hurting like this. 

I know dealing with PD's and setting boundaries within a family scenario is very hard. 

It has been my experience, PD's run over you like a freight train.  That is how I always felt.

I cannot even begin to tell you how true this is.  Every visit with any of them has left me feeling exhausted.  Sometimes it was because it was confusing and other times it was because they behaved themselves.  It is like living off of crumbs.

I get the feeling you are finding it very difficult to draw a line in the sand and state for the record, these are my boundaries.  They need to be for you and your children.  Write them out, let your husband know.

One of them might be to let your husband know that from now on, he should be sitting with you at all family functions.  That he is your spouse and you expect this consideration.  Another may be, you stay for a limited time that you set in advance and then leave, no matter what. 

One may be, you let this get together go by and no one attends.  Whatever you are comfortable with.  You can start with smaller boundaries and work your way up.  Whatever that may be.  But boundaries are important for your mental and emotional well-being.  You can't have every get together feel like you are being thrown into a lion's den.

Yes...I feel like this is all my fault.  Naive me coming from a dysfunctional family, thinking that I had a firm handle on life and boundaries, felt that in order to be accepted, I had to behave like a doormat....which meant smiling and doing as asked when inside I was confused and shouting NO.  I didn't have any positive examples during my youth really...was raised by NF...didn't really know how husband and wife were supposed to interact - especially in the presence of other family members.  Didn't help that none of DH's siblings have shown any love or affection for their partners and the same with his parents.  It's like they all just exist side by side under their individual roofs....and when I try to hold DH's hand or show him some affection like an arm around his shoulder, he perceives it as icky and everyone else seems embarrassed!    It's weird.  So weird.  Some of it may be cultural but I don't care because it is 2020.

One thing that FIL's death taught me - that I didn't learn with the early death of my own mother -- is that life is d*mn short!  I want my life to be on my terms regardless with what anyone else thinks.  And I have been sadly failing myself by letting DH's family steam roll me.  DH is living in fantasy land thinking that when we celebrate his mother's birthday, that we all need to come together and have a big celebration for her.  Nobody wants to do it -- especially now that we split the bill with DH's siblings.  I think if DH got along better with his siblings, he would pick up the bill....

I feel like setting boundaries with his siblings and cousins is the last bit of crap I have to deal with in my life.  PDMil means nothing to me now that I have set boundaries with her...she can't touch me.  But when the whole family gets together.....   It is difficult to set boundaries when DH and I don't agree.  He thinks I am being mean when I won't be a doormat.

[Leonor]

Hi Pepin,

Oh, the dreaded Family Party. It's like out of the frying pan and into the fire, isn't it?

Of course a GC with a BPD mom is going to be the SG with his siblings.  She's warped all of her children's relationships to revolve around her, and while dh basks in her favoritism, his siblings feel rejected by her and resentful towards him. It's like they're all still in preschool: Look at me, Mommy! Look at me!

She has never allowed them to grow up. But even worse, if there is a worse, she has prohibited them from bonding with each other. Even when she passes, the risk is that the siblings will fall away from each other ... She has corrupted their ability to connect with each other. 

Sad to say that dh coming Out of the FOG himself one day might not change anything. In my experience, I was the GC and when I started healing, I thought, "Oh, this is great! I cannot wait to share with everyone the Good News, that it's possible to acknowledge and heal and end the cycle!"

So I shared that with everyone, and my own BPD mom cut me off, and everyone closed ranks. So now I'm the SG (and relieved this is so, after a long period of deep mourning). Some cousin is probably the GC now. Dysfunctional family resist any kind of vacuum that threatens the abusive status quo.

It sucks that dh communicates to you that you are "mean" for not wanting to deal with his family. That is frustrating and excruciating too. The fact that it "makes sense" on a dysfunctional level (dh's job is to make mommy feel loved) doesn't alleviate the pain.

You stand your ground. You're not mean. You are a model of how respect and dignity and integrity and boundaries are part of love. You show 'em how it's done!