realising my mother is a broken person that cannot be redeemed

[eternallystuck]

Recently I realised am coming to the final cornerstone of overcoming a lifetime grief of narcissistic abuse : accepting that my mother is a broken person that does not have the capacity to love, especially her kids. Having grown up & stumbled across forums like this, watched videos about narcissistic family dynamics and had ample space away from her to breathe & detach, I understand it all a lot better now & why I was being guided to that information and why I sought it out in the first place (years of depression & being borderline suicidal behind close doors). I used to think it was her childhood and her own narc mother that made her that way, her poor upbringing and seeing her mother be abused by her father, her failed relationships/father choices and the men she chose that cheated on her, her crappy miserable friends she liked to keep& enable....but even taking all those factors into consideration I could not truthfully ignore my mothers agency throughout all that: adults have choices and they can choose to respond in healthy ways or they can choose to become bitter and refuse to evolve. My mother has refused to evolve in a healthy way: and so the universe has given her exactly what she deserved- because she does not listen or have the humility to create or attract happiness. Whilst we don't get to choose parents or how that initially programs us..... I strongly believe we have the choice to respond in a better way- some adults do not choose to put on their big girly panties and do just that.

I just see a weak person who has let life break her down and has made choices that were always going to work against her- I still feel some sadness as old age is not going to be kind for her as she realises what she has done & what she will be remembered as- but I no longer feel guilty about it (I am still working on not feeling pity to her- because it can hoover me back in & make me feel responsible to fix her despite her clear history of abusive adult CHOICES). This is not my fault and I am no longer going to feel responsible about it or tolerate her negative soul destroying energy in the name of 'loyalty' and trying to seem 'normal' (of which this family will never know anything about)...she has had enough years of life to listen, learn from her mistakes and become a better healthier person that makes better choices (which would make her a better mother and produce healthier relationships/kids), instead she has used her time to hide, deflect and go to war with everyone close to her who tried to get her to look in the mirror. She has certainly gone to war with me- that's what our relationship has felt like since the start- a bloody war that I will never win. Each round you go to fight for the truth- and you just come out deflated with another bruise to the soul instead. There is only so many bruises you can endure before you realise its a losing battle & that if you're going to survive- you will have to retreat. She is happy to destruct everything in her path just to look like she is more competent, strong and in control than you. She does not come in peace, despite her facade, and she will put her self interest and ego above anyone and everything- then she wonders why she feels so alone and miserable. A healthy honest or even tolerable relationship is not possible with her and I refuse to be guilt tripped by people because of that- it is out of my control. It's either I cut contact or I let her consume me. I know at every turn, she has tried to make me alone and miserable (so I am easier to groom & don't know better)...and she resents my happiness or anything that does not relate or align to her miserable worn out existence.

The average person just can't comprehend this description of my mother (hence why I have to keep it in) but what they understand even less is the fact this hard truth has never been easy for me to swallow. Despite the feel good facade most of society wants me to keep up with- this is the truth behind closed doors. My mother is not a nice person- and the fact she fed and clothed me at a young age does not change this fact. Life is more nuanced than black and white.  People have kids for many reasons, that are not born out of love- fear of being ashamed of abortion, a convenient punching bag for their problems, the desire to have company/ power over someone vulnerable & dependant, a desperate attempt to avoid being alone with oneself, a distraction from fixing themselves or acknowledging hard truths, to harbour attention & look like a saviour, to get back at a lover or keep someone around that doesn't want to be kept. No one likes to acknowledge those things however, but the kids who are born out of those situations are forced to acknowledge that cold truth. Plenty of us arrived by accident to unprepared mothers who did not consider the lifetime commitment of having a child- they only enjoyed the prospect of keeping you obedient, docile and close to them- no matter how abusive/intolerable they are.

When I am around her nowadays, all I feel is heavy sluggish energy, irritation, eye rolls at her hypocrisy/ ignorance, bewilderment at her sharp vile unconstrained temper, disdain for her false ego and public facade, embaressment at her childlike lack of accountability, gaslighting and knee jerk outbursts/ threats to anyone that smarts her ego and an intense desire to get away from her as quickly as possible before I get 'that way out' and catch some serious fleas. I have always felt relief when I get away from her- that isn't how it should be- your mother should feel like the safehouse you run to, not the madhouse you flee for your life from. That's not normal, and every time I watched a boyfriend or a friend answer the phone to a warm loving voice asking them when they would be home, I would realise how different that sounded to my own mother. She would not check up on me when I was out, and when I did eventually see her, she would seem resentful and have some kind of jealous resentful seething insecure death stare awaiting me, ready to project whatever pent up anger she had stored up that day. You could always cut the tension between us with a knife, because when your mother is a grade A narcissist, over the years it becomes increasingly difficult to tip toe over the HUGE piles of shit she's swept under the carpet just to save face. Well I am tired of being suffocated by the elephant in the room & I stand by my own gut instinct and years of memories: my mother is NOT a nice person- she is toxic.

Recently I let out some of these thoughts to a new guy I am dating, which would usually make me feel incredibly vulnerable and scared of being manipulated (so I'd avoid it completely)....because I have always felt anxious& on edge like I am always running back into myself with no safety net, no safehouse. I have attempted to let people into that pain before so they could understand me better and immediately regretted it, so I let it build and overwhelm me. I let it become a huge dirty secret & confuse people why I was so guarded and cynical. The only reason I felt safe to do so this time...this guy had revealed he suffered childhood abuse, but from his father instead. The circumstances were a little different: but the impact was mutual. He was also in therapy & had attracted narcissists but he showed self reflection and the same cautiousness I had about longterm relationships & getting it wrong . I suddenly realised why we clicked when we met....having a childhood like that changes you...and secretly no matter what defences you erect...you are hoping to find someone that understands and makes you feel safe to let your guard down. All my life I have noticed a pattern: I expect to be disappointed by people, I expect that they won't be trustworthy/there when it counts or they will see me as weak if I let down my defences or show my darker thoughts........& that's because my mother always made me feel that way. She always mocked or ignored me when I was down (even tho she was often the reason for me being so), she always overpowered me when I attempted to speak up for myself and the odd time she did try to 'give me advice' it was only to establish authority and belittle me, to make herself look better. She had zero tolerance for me emerging as an individual that challenged her toxicity and it cast me as enemy number 1. When I consider my mother is the first person I came into contact with and was my first close relationship- it kinda set the tone that the world isn't nice and people aren't to be trusted- even if they're your own blood. It's been very difficult to untangle myself from that first deep betrayal and the dominoes it set off after it in my personal life..but I am slowly realising I struggle to let people in or reach out for support...and by doing that I further isolate and estrange myself. People can't get to know me, because I'm scared of showing that side to me or them using it against me. It is still really really difficult to make myself vulnerable because I have a low threshold for betrayal...but I am getting better at staying in my solitude till I find someone safe to unravel that with. It sounds really corny, but I do think I gravitated to this guy for a reason, and for once it doesn't feel like it was for the wrong one.

I can't believe how much pain and back and forth it has taken me just to reach this point, but I feel some relief and perhaps I am finally coming to a position where I am healed enough to be vulnerable with someone & not exploit myself. I feel regret at how many mistakes I made and how much I have estranged myself....but I think when you grow up with toxic programming...its inevitable. You have to be reborn in a sense, if you are ever to escape that cycle. I finally feel like all this grief is getting me somewhere that is good for me.

[FogDawg]

I am glad that you finally found someone who can relate and will not automatically condemn you, as so much of society tends to do if one is estranged. You seem to have made a good amount of progress - keep going and do not look back.

[sarandro]

Thank you for this post...you have described my mother here too.

I have always felt relief when I get away from her- that isn't how it should be- your mother should feel like the safehouse you run to, not the madhouse you flee for your life from. That's not normal, and every time I watched a boyfriend or a friend answer the phone to a warm loving voice asking them when they would be home, I would realise how different that sounded to my own mother.

This bit really resonated with me...we  have got to keep away from these people!!!
Much love...I'm glad you have found someone who understands and who you can talk to about it all XX

[Amadahy]

To read your truth is incredibly validating and horrifying. Every bit resonates. I'm glad you're finding healing and insight. 

-Amadahy

[pipchick]

Man, I identified so much with all of this... but particularly "death stare" and the "tension between us"

I'm glad you are making progress.

[Jadedjanet]

Me too, every part of what you wrote resonated with me. Thank you so much.

[GettingOOTF]

This also really resonated with me. Thank you for posting. You helped me make sense of a lot of thoughts and feelings I've been having since going NC with my family.

[Cerulean]

I really related to what you said about the abuse being a "dirty secret," and this: "You could always cut the tension between us with a knife, because when your mother is a grade A narcissist, over the years it becomes increasingly difficult to tip toe over the HUGE piles of shit she's swept under the carpet just to save face. Well I am tired of being suffocated by the elephant in the room & I stand by my own gut instinct and years of memories."

That's the toughest thing for me, personally, in regards to my N dad.  It's not even the abuse itself -- if he was equally cruel to everyone, and everyone experienced what I did, it would be easier to handle.  Other family members are (somewhat) aware of his behavior towards me, but he doesn't target them in the same way, so they stay out of it.  Why wouldn't you?  It's best to stay on good terms with him.  He's a charismatic guy, a lot of the family likes him.  So it's an open secret -- bringing it up or getting involved causes too much drama and makes the situation worse.  It's the elephant in the room.

[Psuedonym]

This sentence: It's either I cut contact or I let her consume me.
A+. Perfect description in ten words.

[Newbeginnings]

I'm new here, and while have yet to share my story - I feel like I just read it through yours.  It all is so very difficult.  Thank you for have the courage to share your journey.

[doglady]

Eternally Stuck, perhaps that name doesn't describe you now, as it sounds as if you are on the wonderful healing becoming unstuck - from your abusive past. I am so happy for you.

There is so much to ponder in your post and it is so well expressed: the trust issues, the low energy when you are around your mother, the safehouse/madhouse analogies, the new relationship with similar histories. It's a post well worth rereading and reflecting upon.

Acceptance is a wonderful place to be. I look forward to reading further updates. Best wishes.

[workinprogress2018]

My mother is uBPD with a large dose of N and I really identify with what you describe, thank you for sharing. There are so many different emotions as you describe, I feel all of those too. I would like to share one of my own that came to mind. I feel a deep sense of tragedy, that my Mother's life has been a terrible waste, that she has missed out on so many things had she only had the courage to reflect and to change and to ask for help. Somewhere inside I think she knows that all is not well with her, she has often said that "All I ever wanted was to be normal, with a nice home, husband and children." So at some level I think perhaps they know and have a sense that all is not well within themselves, but don't wish to acknowledge their impact on others due to being what she calls 'not normal ' and the idea that they've been less than wonderful to their children. Part of me can't bring myself to tell her how damaging she has been (and not the wonderful M she likes to imagine) as there is a sense that if she actually took this in it would destroy her. At other times she'll say (with some drama) " I know I've been a terrible Mother to you... " but I learnt years ago that it's a trap!! Anything other than "No, no, no!" is the wrong answer.

I am working on dealing with some heavy feelings about the way I was brought into the world -  I believe to keep my Dad around. I am pleased to see this topic acknowledged as it really does hurt deeply and adds another layer of pain to be worked through, thank you.

It all then spills over to a sense of tragedy for my own life, my sister's and her children as I see the way this tragedy keeps rolling down the generations when it isn't addressed. I then feel so grateful that like you and all of us here, I am addressing things. I think we have to remember how well we are doing despite the deck being stacked against us in childhood. It sounds like you're making great progress.

[alphaomega]

Eternally Stuck - this is absolutely remarkable and a true work of soul searching culminating in peace and well....soul art....

Thank you for this.  Thank you.

[athene1399]

Thank you for sharing, EternallyStuck. A lot of what you described was my life too.

Whilst we don't get to choose parents or how that initially programs us..... I strongly believe we have the choice to respond in a better way- some adults do not choose to put on their big girly panties and do just that.

I grapple with this the most. GM abused M, M abused me, I made sure I didn't abuse my D or SD. Why couldn't M make that same choice? Out of everything, it's what bothers me the most.

I also struggle a lot with trusting others. It's one of the first things child learn in a healthy family is how to trust their caregivers. We never got that.