Illness (yourself) would you tell narc parent?

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p123

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Illness (yourself) would you tell narc parent?
« on: January 14, 2020, 08:25:52 AM »
Thought about this recently. Currently having tests - fingers crossed....

I was just thinking - if it turns out to be serious, how would Dad react?
Based on when I only had a chest infection a few months and he really did my head in (constant phoneccalls when I told him to leave me alone to rest, nasty comments from family that I was spiteful for not letting him know how I was doing - all in ONE DAY!

Im thinking hes going to want daily updates, I'd have him flapping, then I'd have to deal with him worrying? etc etc. It'd be a nightmare. I'd have no space to deal with things myself.

Anyone ever been in this situation? What did you do?

Honestly, I don't think I'd tell him.

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Starboard Song

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Re: Illness (yourself) would you tell narc parent?
« Reply #1 on: January 14, 2020, 09:53:59 AM »
Since we went NC, we've had deaths in the family, serious illnesses, injuries and car accidents. We've also had competitive success, fun new adventures, and academic achievements.

For us, NC means NC. Even if we were battling a very serious cancer, for instance, we would not contact them with that news. The cancer would be enough trauma in our lives and not a smart time to try to address our history with them.

It sounds like you took this question for a spin a few months ago and got your answer: your father is a reliable source of noise but not of calm emotional support. I encourage you to build up your family of choice so that -- while you still have contact with your father -- you don't NEED to have it for any emotional support. You deserve so many other sources of support anyway, and that will help you detach emotionally from his noise. A strong FOC will make you the very best person you can be for him and for others, and for yourself.

I do hope these tests come out negative, and that you return to good health.
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p123

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Re: Illness (yourself) would you tell narc parent?
« Reply #2 on: January 14, 2020, 11:29:27 AM »
Since we went NC, we've had deaths in the family, serious illnesses, injuries and car accidents. We've also had competitive success, fun new adventures, and academic achievements.

For us, NC means NC. Even if we were battling a very serious cancer, for instance, we would not contact them with that news. The cancer would be enough trauma in our lives and not a smart time to try to address our history with them.

It sounds like you took this question for a spin a few months ago and got your answer: your father is a reliable source of noise but not of calm emotional support. I encourage you to build up your family of choice so that -- while you still have contact with your father -- you don't NEED to have it for any emotional support. You deserve so many other sources of support anyway, and that will help you detach emotionally from his noise. A strong FOC will make you the very best person you can be for him and for others, and for yourself.

I do hope these tests come out negative, and that you return to good health.

Thanks starboard. Im not NC at the moment but I hear what you're saying.

I like the term "calm emotional support". Not a chance with Dad. You'd get the "noise" related to the information that he wants out of the situation....


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Adria

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Re: Illness (yourself) would you tell narc parent?
« Reply #3 on: January 14, 2020, 12:12:29 PM »
I hope your tests turn out well, and your good health returns.
I personally did not tell my family of serious illness because it would make them happy.

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sarandro

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Re: Illness (yourself) would you tell narc parent?
« Reply #4 on: January 14, 2020, 12:28:05 PM »
Hi, p123...

Couldn't tell mother anything without her going waify...'Oh, why is this happening to meeeeeee!'
She used to make out I was telling her stuff to hurt her!

Even when I was diagnosed with a brain tumour (benign, thankfully) and really needed some emotional support, my bro had to be the one to 'break it to her gently', for fear of upsetting her!!
She used to like to tell her 'friends' about illnesses...a sort of top trumps...my daughter has a brain tumour...worse than your daughter's bad knee.
She would garner sympathy because of this...'Oh poor you, you must be so worried'

If only she was worried about me and not herself.
I am NC now because of things like that.

I hope your test results show nothing for you to worry about.
Sending you a virtual hugXXX

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Hazy111

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Re: Illness (yourself) would you tell narc parent?
« Reply #5 on: January 14, 2020, 01:08:30 PM »
I did and regret it now.  The illness is used against you subtly, to justify their views of you and how they can enmesh/control you and secure supply.

For example, They could suggest a  less stressful job? maybe go part time? Meaning, there is more time to visit/contact them. It inevitably revolved around "their needs" masquerading as  "your needs".

Wish you all the best.

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Pepin

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Re: Illness (yourself) would you tell narc parent?
« Reply #6 on: January 14, 2020, 01:10:32 PM »
If it were me, I would keep all health related and other personal things to myself.  The less information you provide about anything, the better. 

On the other hand...depending what you have going on (or not!), you could play your health as the card to get you out of "obligations" with your dad... :angel: 
Why work so hard to have a relationship with someone that does not care the same way as you?

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

Born into a dysfunctional family and married into a dysfunctional family.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.

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NumbLotus

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Re: Illness (yourself) would you tell narc parent?
« Reply #7 on: January 14, 2020, 01:17:45 PM »
Setting aside the emotional support factor, which you're clearly not going to get, I'm guessing you're wondering how you'd deal with his "demands" if you were in a situation where meeting those demands would conflict with taking care of yourself.

First, you CAN choose to meet YOUR needs because you are nit a bad son and you do not OWE your father your servitude or anything at all.

Let's say you need some space to deal with your own stuff and can't be caring for him anymore.

Can anyone think of a least-stress option? Because everything I can think of, including full NC, comes with drama and stress (example: FM brother will be unleashed).

One thought to consider is assisted living for him. That way, whatever amount of contact you do, including none, you can know he is getting taken care of. Even that will be drama-filled, though, and getting a parent mived into AL is stressful too IME.
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p123

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Re: Illness (yourself) would you tell narc parent?
« Reply #8 on: January 14, 2020, 02:01:45 PM »
Yeh thanks all.

Its more a fear of "got all this going on" and don't want to have to put up with stupid questions and comments from him. You know, when you give someone space and sort of say, I'm there if you need me?

Dad is the complete opposite. He does not do space for anyone. His attitude is "so why dont you want to tell me? Is it a secret?" He'd be like "so what did x say? what about this and that?"
Then he'd be like "well what if you can't work?" "you wont get paid", "what are you going to do?" "I told you to get a proper job!". See what I mean? It'd drive me batty!

And of course, as he does now, I do wonder how much of his "worries" would be more worries about him and how he'd fit in.... and whether I was fit to serve him.

Thing is I'm probably ok. thanks for all the kind words. Its just precautionary tests.....I am a little worried but its probably nothing

It just got me thinking that I'm keeping quiet for now and probably would if it ever was bad.


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Amadahy

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Re: Illness (yourself) would you tell narc parent?
« Reply #9 on: January 14, 2020, 04:33:06 PM »
I recently had a procedure and biopsy (results tomorrow). I did not and will not share w Nmom.

Hereís hoping for good news for both of us! 😊
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Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
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p123

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Re: Illness (yourself) would you tell narc parent?
« Reply #10 on: January 15, 2020, 08:44:26 AM »
I recently had a procedure and biopsy (results tomorrow). I did not and will not share w Nmom.

Hereís hoping for good news for both of us! 😊

All the best amadahy

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Adrianna

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Re: Illness (yourself) would you tell narc parent?
« Reply #11 on: January 16, 2020, 08:06:22 AM »
Donít tell your father anything. A few years ago I  had surgery to rule out breast cancer (all clear thank God but I see an oncologist twice a year.) I was so stressed out about it, and exhausted from my grandmothers demands, that against my judgement I told her. So I could get a break from her. Mistake. Cue pity party for herself. She actually called the house asking my husband what about her, whoís going to do things for her, etc... All about her. It made my stomach turn. He told her that her needs will be met and was angry with her. Also her nephews wife was involved at that point, so I wasnít the only person. Her husband (my grandmothers nephew) developed cancer and I told her do NOT tell my grandmother or you will be calming HER down over your husbandís illness. The pd person is not capable of offering support and can only see their needs. She agrees now that telling my grandmother would have been a mistake. I canít imagine the level of stress it would have caused her if she had told my grandmother. Her husband is still in recovery but hopefully will be good. My grandmother would have used it as a source of attention, would tell everyone, get sympathy for herself and her anxiety level would have been through the roof.

As far as why the anxiety?  I think itís because the possible loss of narcissistic supply aka attention. Maybe thereís a genuine concern there, I canít completely rule it out, but I think the driving factor is the fear that youíll be busy or unavailable for their needs.

Oh and if you did tell him expect him to tell others, even if he says he wonít. I asked my grandmother not to tell anyone about my surgery. She left me a message literally an hour after my scheduled surgery time asking if I was home yet. In the background I heard a woman saying ďoh Iím sure sheís not home yet, itís too early.Ē I called her later and said you told me you wouldnít tell anyone about my surgery yet you were discussing it with someone in the voicemail you left me. Her response? Denial! Then she said it must have been the parakeet in the background I heard lol! As if parakeets talk.

Do not say a word to your father about anything personal! Gray rock only.  It will only cause you more stress, time and frustration. Consider it an act of self care to avoid telling him anything.

Hoping for good news for you and amadahy.


Practice an attitude of gratitude.

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lkdrymom

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Re: Illness (yourself) would you tell narc parent?
« Reply #12 on: January 16, 2020, 08:54:43 AM »
I wouldn't say a thing until it became and issue where you needed a break from Dad.  I know exactly how he would react...a million questions that upset you more.  He may sound like he is concerned for you but he is really concerned about  how this will affect him.  Let's face it.....if you needed some sort of surgery he would be asking if you made arrangements for him first....or that your wife would pick up the slack.

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p123

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Re: Illness (yourself) would you tell narc parent?
« Reply #13 on: January 16, 2020, 09:19:55 AM »
Donít tell your father anything. A few years ago I  had surgery to rule out breast cancer (all clear thank God but I see an oncologist twice a year.) I was so stressed out about it, and exhausted from my grandmothers demands, that against my judgement I told her. So I could get a break from her. Mistake. Cue pity party for herself. She actually called the house asking my husband what about her, whoís going to do things for her, etc... All about her. It made my stomach turn. He told her that her needs will be met and was angry with her. Also her nephews wife was involved at that point, so I wasnít the only person. Her husband (my grandmothers nephew) developed cancer and I told her do NOT tell my grandmother or you will be calming HER down over your husbandís illness. The pd person is not capable of offering support and can only see their needs. She agrees now that telling my grandmother would have been a mistake. I canít imagine the level of stress it would have caused her if she had told my grandmother. Her husband is still in recovery but hopefully will be good. My grandmother would have used it as a source of attention, would tell everyone, get sympathy for herself and her anxiety level would have been through the roof.

As far as why the anxiety?  I think itís because the possible loss of narcissistic supply aka attention. Maybe thereís a genuine concern there, I canít completely rule it out, but I think the driving factor is the fear that youíll be busy or unavailable for their needs.

Oh and if you did tell him expect him to tell others, even if he says he wonít. I asked my grandmother not to tell anyone about my surgery. She left me a message literally an hour after my scheduled surgery time asking if I was home yet. In the background I heard a woman saying ďoh Iím sure sheís not home yet, itís too early.Ē I called her later and said you told me you wouldnít tell anyone about my surgery yet you were discussing it with someone in the voicemail you left me. Her response? Denial! Then she said it must have been the parakeet in the background I heard lol! As if parakeets talk.

Do not say a word to your father about anything personal! Gray rock only.  It will only cause you more stress, time and frustration. Consider it an act of self care to avoid telling him anything.

Hoping for good news for you and amadahy.

Adrianna - I'd like to hope he wouldnt do as you've experienced - i.e think only of himself but you're probably right he would.

I think with my Dad it would be more the fussing and constant phone calls. Like I said giving someone space and be there when you need them is a foreign concept to him. He wants to know whats going on and he wants to know NOW.

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Adrianna

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Re: Illness (yourself) would you tell narc parent?
« Reply #14 on: January 16, 2020, 01:51:08 PM »
Yes she needed to know everything too, asking for constant updates, always bugging for information, severe anxiety. I have anxiety too so I get that but itís a huge burden they put on someone going through stuff. It becomes our job to calm them down when in a normal relationship they would be calming us down.  Again expect no emotional support or space from them. Their needs always come first.
Practice an attitude of gratitude.

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p123

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Re: Illness (yourself) would you tell narc parent?
« Reply #15 on: January 16, 2020, 02:07:15 PM »
Yes she needed to know everything too, asking for constant updates, always bugging for information, severe anxiety. I have anxiety too so I get that but itís a huge burden they put on someone going through stuff. It becomes our job to calm them down when in a normal relationship they would be calming us down.  Again expect no emotional support or space from them. Their needs always come first.

Yep I can see that.

I probably mentioned when I was ill a few months ago. Only a chest infection but I did need the rest. Dad had pretty much been phoning for twice daily updates. I'd lost my voice and it hurt to speak. So I  said look I'll call you tomorrow evening.

Didnt listen. 12pm I was asleep in bed. Mobiles ringing.  I thought no way and ignored it. Can't remember now but he rang about 80 times in next 4-5 hours. Then I started to get facbook messages from my brother ranging from "ring dad" to "ring dad hes worried" to "why are you being so selfish making dad worry". Then same to my wife, "get him to ring Dad", "you two are so selfish". Like said all within 6 hours this was!

I was NOT impressed at all. Dads excuse "I was worried something had happened to you". I'm a grown ass 50 year old man! My wife is a nurse. I aint going suddenly die!

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NumbLotus

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Re: Illness (yourself) would you tell narc parent?
« Reply #16 on: January 16, 2020, 02:39:55 PM »
If you HAD suddenly croaked, all the calling still would be for complete naught. A major burden and no help at all.
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

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p123

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Re: Illness (yourself) would you tell narc parent?
« Reply #17 on: January 17, 2020, 08:46:13 AM »
If you HAD suddenly croaked, all the calling still would be for complete naught. A major burden and no help at all.

Aye. If he'd phoned me and I'd managed to mumble "I'm dying help!" what could he do? 86 year old man who doesnt drive and I'm 25 miles away..
All about him as usual. He NEEDS to know everything...

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nanotech

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Re: Illness (yourself) would you tell narc parent?
« Reply #18 on: January 18, 2020, 09:20:18 PM »
I hope all your tests come back good P123.
You too, Amadahy.
Adrianna, youíve been through a lot, Sarandro too!  My goodness.
In my family,  several UNPD/ UNBPDs abide, so when one of them is ill or Ď illí  :roll: the other three fuss and fuss, and fuss, texting me every two seconds and ringing relentlessly for Ďupdatesí. Nightmare.
When IíM  ill,  they concern themselves with telling me how itís all my own fault.  :blink:
Or rather, they did. I donít tell them any more.
Itís a real shame. years ago, I became too ill to attend college ( threatened pneumonia). I had to take two months off.
While the college was understanding and extremely supportive, my OWN PARENTS   
:blush: were clearly annoyed and ashamed.  :yeahthat:
 Mum made sure to come and relay those responses to me, talking over me with barely disguised anger, while I lay in my sick bed.
My response was to cry tears of utter frustration. She had made darned sure I felt like a failure.
They were soooo mad! The college course had been their idea, and as I was ( stupidly) trying to get their approval at 37 years of age,  :wacko: I had obeyed, and applied and got on. . It was very full time,  very demanding indeed, and I was doing far too much with three kids to look after. I pushed myself on and then my health suffered. Then I got blamed.
Same old story! 🤯😫
 
« Last Edit: January 18, 2020, 09:28:21 PM by nanotech »

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p123

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Re: Illness (yourself) would you tell narc parent?
« Reply #19 on: January 20, 2020, 06:47:30 AM »
I hope all your tests come back good P123.
You too, Amadahy.
Adrianna, youíve been through a lot, Sarandro too!  My goodness.
In my family,  several UNPD/ UNBPDs abide, so when one of them is ill or Ď illí  :roll: the other three fuss and fuss, and fuss, texting me every two seconds and ringing relentlessly for Ďupdatesí. Nightmare.
When IíM  ill,  they concern themselves with telling me how itís all my own fault.  :blink:
Or rather, they did. I donít tell them any more.
Itís a real shame. years ago, I became too ill to attend college ( threatened pneumonia). I had to take two months off.
While the college was understanding and extremely supportive, my OWN PARENTS   
:blush: were clearly annoyed and ashamed.  :yeahthat:
 Mum made sure to come and relay those responses to me, talking over me with barely disguised anger, while I lay in my sick bed.
My response was to cry tears of utter frustration. She had made darned sure I felt like a failure.
They were soooo mad! The college course had been their idea, and as I was ( stupidly) trying to get their approval at 37 years of age,  :wacko: I had obeyed, and applied and got on. . It was very full time,  very demanding indeed, and I was doing far too much with three kids to look after. I pushed myself on and then my health suffered. Then I got blamed.
Same old story! 🤯😫

I remember once visiting Dad. I was worn out. I'd been in work all week, had been working extra due to on call etc. Teenage son with Aspergers had been kicking off and daughter was just being a 5 year old.

So Dad had insisted on a visit to get his shopping. I remember sitting there on the sofa and him having a go at me saying  I needed to slow down, stop running around all the time, and look after myself.

I just thought What???????

Unreal. Of course, he meant stop running around for everyone else and focus on me.