Quiet....too quiet

Starboard Song · January 17, 2020, 03:06:39 PM

We're four years down stream from NC, and about 3 years into the monthly card or gift from MIL to my DS. We intercepted and destroyed every gift, and cards usually go straight to the trash, though we did read some of them. They often enraged me, because it seemed so wrong for her to pretend to my DS that everything was fine except for us, when she had made it brutally clear she wanted no relationship with us at all.

And so it went, month by month, until Halloween.

After three years and dozens of mailings, they've gone dark. Like the terminator, I don't believe they will ever stop. I suspect there are health issues involved, though I've fantasized that this is a prelude to a resumed contact attempt. Something along the lines of "we even stopped sending mail because that was what you wanted."

In any case, the roller coaster goes on. This silence, followed as it has been by more vigilant online searches by me for online and social media activity, has made it clear that I was more driven by their ceaseless noise than I realized. They've been ever-present in our lives despite NC. Now, since Halloween, they've been really gone. It is starting to get nice.

Andeza · January 17, 2020, 03:34:54 PM

Like the terminator, wooo. I actually had to laugh at that one. Perhaps the mil has merely had surgery or a procedure and cannot write those lovely, one sided letters for a while. Perhaps she said, screw it, I've got writer's cramp.

Whatever the reason, I'm a fan of the old saying don't look a gift horse in the mouth. I've been NC with my m since just before the new year, and I haven't heard a peep.

let's enjoy our silence while it lasts.

overitall · January 17, 2020, 09:16:58 PM

Starboard,
I'm sorry you're going through this, and it get it...I think we develop a bit of PTSD when it comes to PD parents...I know for me, when things are quiet I fear the worst...I cannot tell you how many times I have had to talk myself down because of the stress it causes...maybe, just maybe, they'l stop...my parents finally stopped any type of contact with me, yet they continue to smear me to anyone who will listen to their "poor tale" of the ungrateful daughter who refuses to have any sort of contact...

I used to look online for information about my FOO but I found that it really triggered me...can you possibly try to just stop worrying about them altogether (I'm sure you're rolling your eyes at this suggestion) But seriously, try to allow them to hijack your life..the point of NC is to regain control of your life and block them from intruding on your positivity

I know it's harder than it sounds, but if you can try to focus of something other than what they are doing, you might find your stress level to be a bit better.

WomanInterrupted · January 17, 2020, 11:40:53 PM

I understand - when it's quiet, it's like you're just waiting for the theme from Jaws to start: you know they're out there, but have no idea if or when they're going to strike.

For ten years, my unNPD MIL sent cards to DH for every occasion - even our anniversary. I didn't even know they made cards that read, "To my son on his wedding anniversary" - but apparently they do.

I'd be angry, I'd be offended, I get stressed out and wound up - and I finally I was just ambivalent. Later, I started seeing how ridiculous it really was and would act out her cards - she'd underline nearly every word one, two, six, ten times, so mostly, I'd read the card like it was being read by William Shatner.

Everybody can do a bad Shatner impression. Give it a try - it's a hoot!

About seven years into this idiocy, she must have realized, "Gee....sending cards to my son isn't working. If I include his wife and send a card for her birthday, then he'll have no excuse!" - or something like that.

Honestly, I wouldn't hazard a guess because I do NOT want to know what goes on in that mind of hers! 'Tis a scary place!

We'd act out the cards, then throw them away - and after ten years, she must have realized the futility of it all and gave up - at least, we hoped she gave up, but we really didn't think she had.

We thought maybe she'd just dialed it back to the big holidays and maybe birthdays, but the truth was she DID stop sending cards.

It was a little uncomfortable to get used to, when somebody has been sort-of stalking you for 10 years, by forcing unwanted contact through the mail, and after a small adjustment period of, "Really? Nothing from her? Maybe there is hope." - we were fine, and realized how much we *enjoyed* not getting her cards.

The mail was now SAFE!

If she thought we were over here lamenting our misfortune at no longer being forced into handling something she literally put NO thought into other than her own personal gain, she was mistaken.

But...she's still out there and I've told DH I expect her to try to land on us, proverbially, right around retirement age.

Yours might do the same - go dormant until they really need, want or expect something - a caregiver, an invitation to a graduation, access to your DS on his 18th birthday as a giant FU to you and your wife.

If they do indeed stop, like my MIL, as long as you have it in the back of your head that this stuff could start up again, at any time - you'll be okay, and probably roll your eyes while muttering, "Gee...I wonder what they could possibly want..."

I'd take the break in unwanted contact - for as long or as short as it lasts - and enjoy it.

I think you will, once it really sinks in - but you're aware it could start up again (but hopefully won't!)

Starboard Song · January 18, 2020, 07:15:07 AM

Quote from: overitall on January 17, 2020, 09:16:58 PM
...can you possibly try to just stop worrying about them altogether (I'm sure you're rolling your eyes at this suggestion)

Not rolling my eyes at all. That is actually the wise and correct guidance. And it is the lesson that I should draw from the fact that I am plainly engaged in useless vigilance, only serving to raise my adrenaline levels and waste my heart.

overitall · January 18, 2020, 07:58:30 AM

It takes a long time for us to break the habit of stressing over the "what's next" phase with PD's....Strangely, I have had to be in situations where my uBPDm and uNPDf are present in the past few years (family events) and honestly, I really don't feel much of anything when I am around them...for me, the long term NC has had the effect of no longer relating to them in any way as family members...they really aren't my family anymore and I have been "out of the loop" for so long that they are more of strangers than family....

Don't get me wrong, I still can get triggered by them....I still get some reports back from people that they have "no idea" why I am NC (ya, right) Now, however, I rarely think about them and it no longer dominates my thoughts...I am so, so much better off than I was 10 years ago...you'll get there, I promise...stay strong

TwentyTwenty · January 18, 2020, 03:08:40 PM

Sorry you are going through this.. We've been totally NC for about 2 years, and only very minor and far-between attempts in their end to contact. About 1/2 a year ago, a birthday card came in the mail. Before that, e-cards from the various online providers on mine & my daughter's b-day, and Christmas 2018.

So, the last email attempt was 4 months ago, which has been the longest span yet.. But the very interesting thing is that none-cards, post mail or anything at all came this last 2019 Christmas - which was the happiest and most peaceful one yet!

So maybe I'm being overly optimistic that I might be off their radar at least for a while.. If not, it's not detrimental, I'll just not respond as usual.. Butbit is nice to have long stretches of peace between even the minor infractions.

theonetoblame · January 20, 2020, 06:42:53 PM

Quote from: Starboard Song on January 18, 2020, 07:15:07 AM
Quote from: overitall on January 17, 2020, 09:16:58 PM
...can you possibly try to just stop worrying about them altogether (I'm sure you're rolling your eyes at this suggestion)

Not rolling my eyes at all. That is actually the wise and correct guidance. And it is the lesson that I should draw from the fact that I am plainly engaged in useless vigilance, only serving to raise my adrenaline levels and waste my heart.

Vigilance behaviors have been a self care point of mine for years, even though I don't live with the impending issues of interaction like you do. A number of the extended family have died in recent years and the loss of these people has meant even less 'sane' points of entry for communication with the family. The likelihood of anyone contacting me is minimal, but I do still scan the obituaries with some regularity. It's still going to hurt when the rest of them die... and I know one of the final digs will be to not tell me. So, I stay informed on my own -- it still feels like unnecessary vigilance though... even if I can embed it as part of my news cycle routine.