My dad played me for a fool

[Spirit in the sky]

After all my concern about my dad and worrying about how my mum was behaving, I got my eyes opened.

I agreed to take my dad to the hospital for his appointment. So I arrived 30 minutes before the taxi. He had all day to get ready, and wasn't even dressed. Then he start moaning because I told him to get a move on. He was finally ready when the taxi arrived and started moaning to the taxi driver that I'd rushed him out and no one cared he wasn't well. I said the taxi driver wasn't  interested and he was just doing his job to get us there.

Making polite conversation the driver said, once you get to the hospital they'll sort you out. My dad started shouting about there was nothing they could do and he might as well be dead, and the doctors are useless etc. I apologised to the driver and he was really nice, I think he felt sorry for me. 

We finally got there but there was a hold up in the traffic for the main entrance. So I suggested we get out at the end entrance because I wasn't sure were we were going. My dad started shouting again and refused to get out of the taxi. At one point I felt the tears starting and I had to take deep breaths. I tried explaining that they were busy and everyone was just trying to find a parking space, obviously he didn't care. At last we got inside and he refused to walk, he can walk slowly but wouldn't even come to the reception with me. So I had to go ask for a wheelchair and a porter, he starting complaining about the wait, it was 10 minutes.

We got to the cancer unit and again it was very busy, in the waiting room he started talking very loudly about how he was just going to tell them he wanted kept in hospital and he wanted better medication. I took a book with me so kept my head down and read. We was seen very quickly and the nurse told me he was getting new medication and the pain wasn't coming from the cancer it was nerve pain related to another condition and actually the cancer was stable.

He had to go for an X-ray and rudely told the nurse he wasn't walking and to get him another porter. Which they did and of course he moaned about waiting and threatened to leave. I did say other people were waiting too but that didn't matter. After 30 mins we were really to leave and of course he demanded another porter to take him to the front door. He started having a go at me for not booking the taxi in advance but obviously I didn't know what time we would be finished. As we were waiting an early lady was struggling with the steps, so I helped her and she said we was afraid he taxi wouldn't wait because she was so slow. So I went and asked them to wait, when I came back my dad was furious I had left him and we demanding the wheel him back into the hospital. I actually couldn't push his weight and he had to get out of the wheelchair and walk. We got the taxi home.

All the way home he started saying how useless my mother was and that she pretends she's ill to get attention. (She's 86 with a heart condition but starts active. ) and how stupid she is ( she accidentally got locked out when the wind caught the front door). By this time I was exhausted and just wanted home to said nothing.

So what I have discovered is my dad plays the victim when I'm at my parents. He's all meek and pathetic because he knows I'll give him sympathy but he true colours came out at the hospital. And I remembered that is the person he was all through my childhood angry, aggressive, demanding, self obsessed and the ONLY reason he's even bothering with me now is because he needs me. My mother has wised up to what he's really like, so he's getting his energy supply from me.   

I was so stressed after the hospital experience I went home with a migraine and vomited before collapsing into bed. I still feel drained today.

[Andeza]

Oh, Spirit, I'm so sorry this is happening. You're such a kind and caring person, and they've taken full advantage of your good nature. It isn't right, dang it.

Please take some time to process this, it can't be easy to digest, and look after yourself, friend. You just got put through a ringer, no doubt about it. And we're smack in the middle of cold and flu season too. Blegh.

Get some rest, be kind to yourself, you deserve it. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. Your next course of action can wait.

[Spirit in the sky]

Thanks Andeza,

Really I should have seen it coming. He's always been aggressive, demanding and selfish. I've witnessed the same situation with my friends father so I should have seen the signs. I got totally sucked in yet again. It's not even the first time he's done this.

I feel like a complete idiot, and I was so convinced my mum was in the wrong, granted she has her issues but I shouldn't have judged her. The lesson I need to learn is neither of them are right and I can't take sides. I MUST put myself first and respect my own boundaries. I'm so weak when it comes to the crunch, I have this overly emotional outpouring of empathy and I let myself be drained every time, not just from one parent but BOTH.

It's so infuriating because I keep expecting at some point some is going to take responsibility for their own actions and it NEVER happens. I keep telling other people the problem doesn't go away until you learn the life lesson and I'm not learning my lesson.

BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES when will it finally sink in !

My friend is having major issues with her husband and I told her if she doesn't do something to help herself she'll make herself physically ill. ERM HELLO, maybe I show listen to my own advice !!

Oh, Spirit, I'm so sorry this is happening. You're such a kind and caring person, and they've taken full advantage of your good nature. It isn't right, dang it.

Please take some time to process this, it can't be easy to digest, and look after yourself, friend. You just got put through a ringer, no doubt about it. And we're smack in the middle of cold and flu season too. Blegh.

Get some rest, be kind to yourself, you deserve it. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. Your next course of action can wait.

[_apparentlywicked]

Yep this is dad. Makes out he's reasonable but the mask slips when he's slightly frustrated. Sib went to see him a few months ago. He didn't know sib was in the next room. He was shouting and swearing.  Sib was shocked. I wouldn't have been but then sibs not been the target of his anger. He becomes an infant with sib.

[NumbLotus]

I totally bought your dad's victim crap based on your other thread, too. I was happy you were taking that poor man to his appointment.

Sigh.

This is how he has chosen to act. With the stakes like this, he is CHOOSING this. He is choosing to leave his relationship with you like this. Treat other people like this. Leave taxi driver's, nurse's, porter's days a little worse not better. Reward your kindness with absolute misery.

He made his bed. At least now you know. But it's shocking the choices some people make.

[Amadahy]

Spirit,
You are not an idiot. Your kind heart wants to see the best. Now you know and can protect yourself.

Please give yourself compassion and plenty of rest. We're with you.

[tob-ler-one]

my dad was furious I had left him

I was so stressed after the hospital experience I went home with a migraine and vomited before collapsing into bed

I can relate to a couple of things you talk about here.

Take care of yourself.

[Spirit in the sky]

Thanks Numb lotus,

I really shouldn't have been surprised, he's always been difficult and I foolishly thought him being ill would make him see life differently. Sometimes I think I live in a world of wishful thinking.

Hopefully I have learnt my lesson.

I totally bought your dad's victim crap based on your other thread, too. I was happy you were taking that poor man to his appointment.

Sigh.

This is how he has chosen to act. With the stakes like this, he is CHOOSING this. He is choosing to leave his relationship with you like this. Treat other people like this. Leave taxi driver's, nurse's, porter's days a little worse not better. Reward your kindness with absolute misery.

He made his bed. At least now you know. But it's shocking the choices some people make.

[Hazy111]

Yep, its a relief in a way when the mask totally slips. Mine is very covert and cunning, guilt inducing.  Everything i suspected came out and it was similar to you i was taking him to the hospital for his pacemaker (in and out the same day) being fitted and agreed to stay with him a few days.

Before we left  he called me " a useless waste of space" admittedly this is my sister talking about me and him repeating . I had snapped earlier by calling him a "selfish *****   ****" . He  refused to get in his wheelchair, (he is disabled ).  He insisted on pushing it. It takes him forever and a day  and has to use a lift, but he cant turn round he has to reverse. We could have missed his appointment.  A specially adapted car had been booked to take him and was waiting downstairs. He insisted in taking a load of cash with him too,  i think  he some idea of going shopping afterwards??!!)

My blood pressure was through the roof. 

( I realised he didnt want to be seen in a wheelchair in the development he lives in in case someone saw him. Narc grandiosity and people judging him like he judges others. To hell with me , the driver or the hospital being held up .He loves making people wait. In the development hes notorious for being late for meetings, makes a grand entrance and makes people move out of the way while hes pushing his zimmer)

Afterwards he lambasted the driver too (not to his face) , for letting people push in front of him in the traffic.

That night i gave him the chance to apologise. He didnt. I stayed one more night. Then left . He was disappointed hoping id stay a few more days! Now im NC. Got the threatening letter and threats of police. Then the lovey dovey letter. Flying monkey visits . Given up on me now. Sis is his only main supply. That must be fun. Narc and a uBPD Queen. She didnt want him to have the op, as " it will only extend his life"

" Children raised in a narcissistic family are conditioned to put their parents emotional health first . In not narc families the parents put the childrens emotional health first"

Ohh i have a heart condition , but im 40 years younger than him.

[Spirit in the sky]

Sometimes I think I'm going mad.

Today he gave me money to treat myself to lunch and went on about how traumatic an experience it was for him at the hospital. Obviously he's trying to keep in with me for further appointments but I made it clear I wasn't going through that again.

Good to hear your putting yourself first, it really is self preservation.

Yep, its a relief in a way when the mask totally slips. Mine is very covert and cunning, guilt inducing.  Everything i suspected came out and it was similar to you i was taking him to the hospital for his pacemaker (in and out the same day) being fitted and agreed to stay with him a few days.

Before we left  he called me " a useless waste of space" admittedly this is my sister talking about me and him repeating . I had snapped earlier by calling him a "selfish *****   ****" . He  refused to get in his wheelchair, (he is disabled ).  He insisted on pushing it. It takes him forever and a day  and has to use a lift, but he cant turn round he has to reverse. We could have missed his appointment.  A specially adapted car had been booked to take him and was waiting downstairs. He insisted in taking a load of cash with him too,  i think  he some idea of going shopping afterwards??!!)

My blood pressure was through the roof. 

( I realised he didnt want to be seen in a wheelchair in the development he lives in in case someone saw him. Narc grandiosity and people judging him like he judges others. To hell with me , the driver or the hospital being held up .He loves making people wait. In the development hes notorious for being late for meetings, makes a grand entrance and makes people move out of the way while hes pushing his zimmer)

Afterwards he lambasted the driver too (not to his face) , for letting people push in front of him in the traffic.

That night i gave him the chance to apologise. He didnt. I stayed one more night. Then left . He was disappointed hoping id stay a few more days! Now im NC. Got the threatening letter and threats of police. Then the lovey dovey letter. Flying monkey visits . Given up on me now. Sis is his only main supply. That must be fun. Narc and a uBPD Queen. She didnt want him to have the op, as " it will only extend his life"

" Children raised in a narcissistic family are conditioned to put their parents emotional health first . In not narc families the parents put the childrens emotional health first"

Ohh i have a heart condition , but im 40 years younger than him.

[Hazy111]

Yep, youre one step ahead now and can see through it . Hes calmed down and realised he may have ruptured his supply . i used to get quite large "bribes" to maintain supply. But i had to turn up to receive it. It was turned into an "event" like attending the King .

[p123]

OMG Spirit that sounds so awful!
You are a saint putting up with that. How on earth did you manage?

I can see my Dad there too. Its just embarrassing being anywhere in public because of the way he acts in general and how he treats people.

[Spirit in the sky]

I like 'attending the king' it feels like they think they are somehow entitled to behave exactly how they choose.

Yep, youre one step ahead now and can see through it . Hes calmed down and realised he may have ruptured his supply . i used to get quite large "bribes" to maintain supply. But i had to turn up to receive it. It was turned into an "event" like attending the King .

[Spirit in the sky]

My dad has always been arrogant and obnoxious. He had his own business and he never had any respect for his employees. He just ordered them about, he thinks he can still make demands and everyone will jump to attention.

I was fooled into thinking his illness had mellowed him and he was finally seeing the error of his ways, nothing could be further from the truth.

Another very annoying thing is his personal hygiene has never been good even when he was well. I noticed the doctor referred her for a personal care assessment, he'll not be happy if they make him shower everyday !

OMG Spirit that sounds so awful!
You are a saint putting up with that. How on earth did you manage?

I can see my Dad there too. Its just embarrassing being anywhere in public because of the way he acts in general and how he treats people.

[nanotech]

My dad too! Horrific stuff at the hospital that would take a very long post. Just very,  very similar. When I eventually got home I opened my front door and burst into tears- I cried for an hour!

I too couldn't believe I'd got sucked in. He'd put on a charm offensive at first.  We think we are safe and then suddenly find out we're not, and that we are STUCK. with them while they unfurl toxicity over us and everyone else involved.
I'm sending hugs and complete understanding to you and everyone on here who's been through it.
I'm not doing any more hospital trips! He's tried to entice me to the next one but I've told him I'm not doing it. He doesn't even need the procedure. 🤯😫

[Spirit in the sky]

It's a horrible horrible feeling Nanotech,

It took me 2-3 days to recover. The following day was my day off and I couldn't even think straight. I went for a walk and I felt like a zombie. In a way it was good because I got my eyes opened and I have the memory of crying in the taxi and vomiting later. Sometimes I judge myself for being too sensitive but it happened and that's how I felt, and my feelings do matter.

I'm so conditioned to do 'the right thing' I put myself in situations were I am very uncomfortable. For example my best friends dad died a few years ago and I tried my best to support her, but I felt I was being consumed by her grief. Instead of taking a step back I went to the funeral, which really should have been enough. But because she needed me I went to the grave and the reception afterwards with a lot of strangers I didn't know and I felt terrible. I self sacrificed and I didn't learn my lesson.

My dad treats people like commodities, he keeps them around when they are useful and as soon as they stop being useful he dumps them. At the minute I'm all the support he has, apart from my mum but she's unreliable. But instead of being grateful and treating me with respect he treats me like one of his employees. He gave me money to go out for lunch after the hospital disaster, he obviously thought he needed to get back in my good books.

I heard my mum saying to him how good it was of me to go with him, and he told her he pays me for looking after him, and in his words he pays me well. I was very tempted to say a cheap lunch doesn't buy me or my loyalty, but there's no point. I'm making sure I'm not available next time and I'll buy my own lunch.

My dad too! Horrific stuff at the hospital that would take a very long post. Just very,  very similar. When I eventually got home I opened my front door and burst into tears- I cried for an hour!

I too couldn't believe I'd got sucked in. He'd put on a charm offensive at first.  We think we are safe and then suddenly find out we're not, and that we are STUCK. with them while they unfurl toxicity over us and everyone else involved.
I'm sending hugs and complete understanding to you and everyone on here who's been through it.
I'm not doing any more hospital trips! He's tried to entice me to the next one but I've told him I'm not doing it. He doesn't even need the procedure. 🤯😫

[p123]

It's a horrible horrible feeling Nanotech,

It took me 2-3 days to recover. The following day was my day off and I couldn't even think straight. I went for a walk and I felt like a zombie. In a way it was good because I got my eyes opened and I have the memory of crying in the taxi and vomiting later. Sometimes I judge myself for being too sensitive but it happened and that's how I felt, and my feelings do matter.

I'm so conditioned to do 'the right thing' I put myself in situations were I am very uncomfortable. For example my best friends dad died a few years ago and I tried my best to support her, but I felt I was being consumed by her grief. Instead of taking a step back I went to the funeral, which really should have been enough. But because she needed me I went to the grave and the reception afterwards with a lot of strangers I didn't know and I felt terrible. I self sacrificed and I didn't learn my lesson.

My dad treats people like commodities, he keeps them around when they are useful and as soon as they stop being useful he dumps them. At the minute I'm all the support he has, apart from my mum but she's unreliable. But instead of being grateful and treating me with respect he treats me like one of his employees. He gave me money to go out for lunch after the hospital disaster, he obviously thought he needed to get back in my good books.

I heard my mum saying to him how good it was of me to go with him, and he told her he pays me for looking after him, and in his words he pays me well. I was very tempted to say a cheap lunch doesn't buy me or my loyalty, but there's no point. I'm making sure I'm not available next time and I'll buy my own lunch.

My dad too! Horrific stuff at the hospital that would take a very long post. Just very,  very similar. When I eventually got home I opened my front door and burst into tears- I cried for an hour!

I too couldn't believe I'd got sucked in. He'd put on a charm offensive at first.  We think we are safe and then suddenly find out we're not, and that we are STUCK. with them while they unfurl toxicity over us and everyone else involved.
I'm sending hugs and complete understanding to you and everyone on here who's been through it.
I'm not doing any more hospital trips! He's tried to entice me to the next one but I've told him I'm not doing it. He doesn't even need the procedure. 🤯😫

Spirit - you sounds like a really nice person like most people on this group. I think thats part of the problem - we are the ones who are willing to help our parents and feel guilty when we don't. I guess it then makes us easy targets to be abused by then....

Its taken me years to realise that Dad just does not give a monkeys about me. Its hard though and very upsetting. I've done the same, come home SO angry and upset at the way hes treated me.

Its still hard for me to say no but that's what I do now. Just don't take him again - you don't deserve to be treated like that.

[nanotech]

Yes I agree with P123, you sound lovely.
I've been there with the zombie feeling. I was like that for days as well. I couldn't function properly. It didn't help that dad took himself off to the emergency hospital 3 or 4 more times during the following week with this or that minor ailment.  He kept ringing me and telling me- I just spoke to him rather robotically, focussing upon
not getting drawn in again.
Then finally he rings and says, '
NANO! I need you here, now! You have to come!'
  I was so depressed and tired of it. I just said,  'NO dad,  I'm not coming right now. You've already been to the hospital several times this week. '

The answer I got was,
'So what?'

.... followed by a tirade of arrogance.
Sigh.
They see a good heart as something they can exploit.
To be honest, since I stood up to him, a weird thing-  he's begun to show me a little more respect. (Since I've been more like him, I guess). I think this is why we shy away from being firm with them. It's because we never want to look, sound or be like them. But our responses are concerned with erecting  healthy boundaries, not with intimidation or coercion.
I've done it since then as well. I've said no a few times now. He never likes it at the time,  and he voices that, but then I see by how he is later, that  I've become more respected by him. 

I rather wish he had shown me respect for my kindness.
Nope.
You show them a glimpse of your empathetic nature, that's it you're rubbish,  and you are their slave. Xxxxxxxxx

[Spirit in the sky]

Thanks p123,

I am a naturally caring person so it is difficult for me to not to want to care for my dad, but his behaviour is now affecting my well being so I need to detach. I have to remind myself he wasn't a particularly nice person being his illness, so while I do feel sorry for him I can't allow myself to be sucked in. I'm learning to use a different persona when I see him. It's my shadow self who doesn't give a ****.
[/quote]

Spirit - you sounds like a really nice person like most people on this group. I think thats part of the problem - we are the ones who are willing to help our parents and feel guilty when we don't. I guess it then makes us easy targets to be abused by then....

Its taken me years to realise that Dad just does not give a monkeys about me. Its hard though and very upsetting. I've done the same, come home SO angry and upset at the way hes treated me.

Its still hard for me to say no but that's what I do now. Just don't take him again - you don't deserve to be treated like that.
[/quote]

[Spirit in the sky]

It's so difficult Nano,

I can't withdraw all help because I can't be that person, and I'm understanding my mum better, I see she has used emotional blocking for years to try and cope.

I'm usually very easy going and I happy to help but now I see my dad sees that as a weakness he can exploit. So when I'm around him I'm being moody and grumpy and moaning if I am asked to do anything. I don't think he even notices but it makes me feel better that I'm not just putting on a happy face when I'm not happy.

The doctor sent a referral for a personal care team to visit him this week, and thankfully my mum has agreed to outside help. He doesn't need assistant at the minute but he will so it will be interesting to see how he treats them.

Yes I agree with P123, you sound lovely.
I've been there with the zombie feeling. I was like that for days as well. I couldn't function properly. It didn't help that dad took himself off to the emergency hospital 3 or 4 more times during the following week with this or that minor ailment.  He kept ringing me and telling me- I just spoke to him rather robotically, focussing upon
not getting drawn in again.
Then finally he rings and says, '
NANO! I need you here, now! You have to come!'
  I was so depressed and tired of it. I just said,  'NO dad,  I'm not coming right now. You've already been to the hospital several times this week. '

The answer I got was,
'So what?'

.... followed by a tirade of arrogance.
Sigh.
They see a good heart as something they can exploit.
To be honest, since I stood up to him, a weird thing-  he's begun to show me a little more respect. (Since I've been more like him, I guess). I think this is why we shy away from being firm with them. It's because we never want to look, sound or be like them. But our responses are concerned with erecting  healthy boundaries, not with intimidation or coercion.
I've done it since then as well. I've said no a few times now. He never likes it at the time,  and he voices that, but then I see by how he is later, that  I've become more respected by him. 

I rather wish he had shown me respect for my kindness.
Nope.
You show them a glimpse of your empathetic nature, that's it you're rubbish,  and you are their slave. Xxxxxxxxx