My dad played me for a fool

[GettingOOTF]

For most of our lives my siblings and I thought my mother was crazy and the cause of all the drama and chaos in our home. We would wish that she would leave and we'd never have to see her again. 

Recently I've started to see how my father was incredibly manipulative and abusive towards her. That doesn't excuse her behavior and the damage their marriage inflicted upon us will be with us forever. I don't think I will ever forgive her for staying and subjecting is to hell, but I'm starting to understand her and have some compassion for her.

My father is not nice person. He always played the helpless, woe is me character, and he's a master at getting sympathy from people ("oh poor * and his crazy harridan of a wife") but now I see he was never helpless. He directed it all. Now my mother is dead he does the same with the siblings. It's so obvious now the fog has lifted.

I am actually "that person" and will not get involved or offer assistance. I was discussing this with someone yesterday who nursed her abusive mother through the end of her life. Two of her siblings chose to walk away. She can't understand and sees this as their abandoning her mother. She knows I'm NC with my father, but doesn't seem to be able to reconcile what she's sees as abandonment with what she knows about me (I'm a caring, considerate, loving person). I can tell she struggles with it.

It's so challenging when we grow up in these households. I think all we can do is what we think is the best at the time.

I guess I want to say that it's very destabilizing when we start to see our parents for who they are as people. It brought up a lot of guilt and anger for me. At both of them.

[Spirit in the sky]

https://youtu.be/3OS79GDqnsI

This YouTube video by Lisa Romano really sums up my dad's  behaviour the constant 'poor me' it's all about me. No one else is allowed to get on with their lives because he is ill, he believes it should be about him 24/7.

I was talking to my mum today about putting some raised beds in the garden to grow vegetables in the spring. We didn't know my dad was listening (he eavesdrops on all our conversations) but after he made an comment to me about not being around in the spring. I just ignored him, he doesn't seem to care that we are all struggling with the situation and planning for the future is normal. If he hadn't been eavesdropping he wouldn't have overheard us.