Do you have to hide things you throw away?

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Jsinjin

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Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« on: January 16, 2020, 12:38:20 PM »
I have an uPCPDw and hoarding is a significant problem out of fear for losing stuff or missing something that's important or other control factors I can't imagine.   If I could share a picture of a closet or the garage or attic you would see piles of every paper that has ever come into our home; even some advertisements are saved in case of something.   

I take out the trash and she has a habit of going through it and pulling things out angrily with the reason for it being saved needing to be discussed with me right then.    This is a conflict for me because i want to be honest with my spouse but I have to balance this need for honesty with the years of trash and anger and my own resentment.    I feel like a criminal who has finally resolved that stealing is ok because I've finally settled on a routine where I wait for her to leave then I take random documents from the bottom of the piles that are 'newspapers from 2010' or "mail and political ads from five years ago" and I sneak them into the trash and bury them beneath the worst garbage we have.     I try to ensure she is gone and that even if she comes home she would have to dig beneath food waste and cat litter to get to the secret trash.

I know many of us are faced with hoarding and attachment to 'things' but I wanted to know if anyonehas to secretly sneak out trash just to remain same.

Jsj
It is unwise to seek prominence in a field whose routine chores you do not enjoy.

-Wolfgang Pauli

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D.Dan

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2020, 01:18:25 PM »
I had to secretly stash broken items in my van, then toss them away at my kids school.

In my case my uPDex would use the broken items (which were usually 30yo plastic toys from his youth that he and his parents wanted the kids to.... well... not play with, more obsess about but the kids weren't allowed to treat the toys like toys) as an excuse to physically hurt the kids. I was terrified of him finding any broken stuff in the house.  :'(

He used to also go through our garbage bins on the way to and from work, to see if I bought anything without permission.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2020, 01:36:28 PM »
I did that in my MIL's house. Whenever I stayed there while she was out, I would go to the cellar and fill my car with her old stuff and take it to the dump. My MIL kept everything too. I knew I would have to clear out her house eventually, when she would move to a old age home, I wanted to give myself a head start. 

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losingmyself

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2020, 01:44:28 PM »
my PDH works at a scrapyard. He brings something home every. single. day.  Because we might need it, or it's cool. Things get thrown away. Accidentally. ;)

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GettingOOTF

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2020, 03:46:00 PM »
My ex wasnít to the levels you describe but he refused to throw anything out. I would throw things out when he wasnít there. Iíd take them to the building trash so he couldnít get them back.

After we split I had to go to his place for something. It was full of trash - empty bottles, packaging etc. I always used to joke he was a hoarder but I really think I was the only thing standing on the way or full blown hoarding. To this day Iím ashamed of how I lived when I was married to him.

My ex had major issues around abandonment and I think this is what drives his inability to throw things out. It seems to be fairly common when yuh read around here.

I used to think he did it because he knew how much it upset me but now I think itís how he was.

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ICantThinkOfAName

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #5 on: January 16, 2020, 04:04:55 PM »
Mine gets mad if I throw out food 1/2 eaten or if he finds a candy wrapper or if he sees a box of something new.  He wants to know why, who, when item was bought.  Yeah I hide the trash or throw it away in a public trash can.  He found some old books in the trash my daughter threw out and he thought they were mine and that I probably ought to look through them.  I told him that if I didn't miss them by now, I probably don't need them.  Man the look I got.  Like you don't even want to look???  I could throw out or donate every book I own as the likelihood of me finding time to re-read it is 0.  These days, if I want to read a book, I go to the library!!

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #6 on: January 16, 2020, 05:06:56 PM »
I can't imagine living like this.

Could you take some of the old papers and shred them at work each day?

It would make a tiny dent in the hoard but you would feel marginally better, maybe.

AOD

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BeautifulCrazy

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #7 on: January 17, 2020, 02:42:57 AM »
Yes, I have to hide things I throw away too. Very much like you describe.
Part of it is the questions / control issues that some have mentioned in their replies. Especially around food or new purchases.
Part of it is the hoarding type stuff. My h is not an obvious hoarder but there are small piles and categories of things that he just can't seem to stop accumulating and can't willingly let go of.
We don't live in detritus, but our storage areas like closets and some cupboards are not usable for real life purposes.
I think, like GettingOOTF describes, the kids and I might be the only thing keeping him from crossing to full blown hoarding.
I have been caught recently trying to throw out some expired cat food, some old papers (bills from 12 years ago) and some takeout coffee cups (he wants to burn them in the firepit. We never use the firepit. We have half a garden shed full of them now.) The result is that PDh has cracked down on garbage inspection and handling. All jobs relating to waste disposal are now his.
I don't like the dishonesty of it either, but each of the 3 of us has our own garbage container tucked somewhere and after h leaves for work, we add our own things to the garbage and recycling he has placed curbside. No scrutiny = No conflict. Thank goodness he leaves first!!
Once in awhile I move a bunch of things around in areas he has stashes while "looking for something" and sneak a little bit of that stuff out too.
So to answer your questions, Yes, I have to hide things I throw away. And, Yes, I have to secretly sneak out trash just to stay sane.

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Jsinjin

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #8 on: January 17, 2020, 10:10:33 AM »
BC:

Every time I post a question on this forum I'm relieved to find out that my coping mechanisms are not nuts.   I do actually live in a world where the PD behaviors and the way that a slightly less PD person interacts with the behaviors are similar.   

Thank you for the validation.

Jsj
It is unwise to seek prominence in a field whose routine chores you do not enjoy.

-Wolfgang Pauli

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Findingmyvoice

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #9 on: January 17, 2020, 05:06:42 PM »
when we were dating, exBPDw and I would secretly clean up / throw out things at her mothers house.
Rotten food, used batteries, tags from bread bags, pens that don't work, stuff that we knew for sure had no use and wouldn't be missed.
She had a basement full to the ceiling of bags like this and a pantry with cans that had rusted through.  More than one person got ill from eating at her home.

Then exBPDw started showing some hoarding tendencies too.  over buying almost everything.  I had to also be sneaky about cleaning up / throwing things out.
If we went through it together it would take endless hours and in the end not much got thrown out.
exBPDw was never as bad as her mom, but i remember taking lots of heat for deleting pictures that were out of focus or just bad pictures.  She would take 20 to 100 shots of each pose or situation and have to keep all of them.
Managing picture storage was an endless battle, she would take literally tens of thousands of pictures a year and get upset if I deleted any of them.  Then she would want to go through them with me and print them.


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GentleSoul

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #10 on: January 17, 2020, 05:34:36 PM »
I have done this many times.  My friend mentioned she does too. 

I agree it is always such a relief when other people share that they do the same as I do.


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11JB68

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #11 on: Yesterday at 01:35:28 AM »
Yes! Silly stuff. The ocd part of his ocpd is very strong. Even my own stuff, I will sneak it into the bottom of the trash, or out to a donation center. I got so tired of his wasting time with a procedure around a (monthly?) Envelope of free coupons/ads that I just grab them from the mail and bury them in the recycling

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SparkStillLit

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #12 on: Yesterday at 10:36:42 AM »
We have a bizarre reversal of this. Every so often updh tears through here when no one is here and throws out everone ELSE'S stuff but none of his, on a "cleaning and organizing " spree. Otherwise he's a bit of a disorganized mess and leaves things where he drops them and scatters stuff all over (but complains bitterly about this). Also calls everyone else disorganized and cluttered.

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SparkStillLit

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #13 on: Yesterday at 10:40:02 AM »
You have to hide things you want to keep. He's thrown away entire boxes without looking in them (......orrrrr.....maybe on purpose since they were mine.....) of things we packed for one of his moves that we never made, and then, exhausted, I never unpacked it. (He kept re-threatening moving). It's like reverse hoarding.