Do you have to hide things you throw away?

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Jsinjin

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Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« on: January 16, 2020, 12:38:20 PM »
I have an uPCPDw and hoarding is a significant problem out of fear for losing stuff or missing something that's important or other control factors I can't imagine.   If I could share a picture of a closet or the garage or attic you would see piles of every paper that has ever come into our home; even some advertisements are saved in case of something.   

I take out the trash and she has a habit of going through it and pulling things out angrily with the reason for it being saved needing to be discussed with me right then.    This is a conflict for me because i want to be honest with my spouse but I have to balance this need for honesty with the years of trash and anger and my own resentment.    I feel like a criminal who has finally resolved that stealing is ok because I've finally settled on a routine where I wait for her to leave then I take random documents from the bottom of the piles that are 'newspapers from 2010' or "mail and political ads from five years ago" and I sneak them into the trash and bury them beneath the worst garbage we have.     I try to ensure she is gone and that even if she comes home she would have to dig beneath food waste and cat litter to get to the secret trash.

I know many of us are faced with hoarding and attachment to 'things' but I wanted to know if anyonehas to secretly sneak out trash just to remain same.

Jsj
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D.Dan

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2020, 01:18:25 PM »
I had to secretly stash broken items in my van, then toss them away at my kids school.

In my case my uPDex would use the broken items (which were usually 30yo plastic toys from his youth that he and his parents wanted the kids to.... well... not play with, more obsess about but the kids weren't allowed to treat the toys like toys) as an excuse to physically hurt the kids. I was terrified of him finding any broken stuff in the house.  :'(

He used to also go through our garbage bins on the way to and from work, to see if I bought anything without permission.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2020, 01:36:28 PM »
I did that in my MIL's house. Whenever I stayed there while she was out, I would go to the cellar and fill my car with her old stuff and take it to the dump. My MIL kept everything too. I knew I would have to clear out her house eventually, when she would move to a old age home, I wanted to give myself a head start. 

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losingmyself

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2020, 01:44:28 PM »
my PDH works at a scrapyard. He brings something home every. single. day.  Because we might need it, or it's cool. Things get thrown away. Accidentally. ;)

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GettingOOTF

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2020, 03:46:00 PM »
My ex wasnít to the levels you describe but he refused to throw anything out. I would throw things out when he wasnít there. Iíd take them to the building trash so he couldnít get them back.

After we split I had to go to his place for something. It was full of trash - empty bottles, packaging etc. I always used to joke he was a hoarder but I really think I was the only thing standing on the way or full blown hoarding. To this day Iím ashamed of how I lived when I was married to him.

My ex had major issues around abandonment and I think this is what drives his inability to throw things out. It seems to be fairly common when yuh read around here.

I used to think he did it because he knew how much it upset me but now I think itís how he was.

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ICantThinkOfAName

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #5 on: January 16, 2020, 04:04:55 PM »
Mine gets mad if I throw out food 1/2 eaten or if he finds a candy wrapper or if he sees a box of something new.  He wants to know why, who, when item was bought.  Yeah I hide the trash or throw it away in a public trash can.  He found some old books in the trash my daughter threw out and he thought they were mine and that I probably ought to look through them.  I told him that if I didn't miss them by now, I probably don't need them.  Man the look I got.  Like you don't even want to look???  I could throw out or donate every book I own as the likelihood of me finding time to re-read it is 0.  These days, if I want to read a book, I go to the library!!

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #6 on: January 16, 2020, 05:06:56 PM »
I can't imagine living like this.

Could you take some of the old papers and shred them at work each day?

It would make a tiny dent in the hoard but you would feel marginally better, maybe.

AOD

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BeautifulCrazy

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #7 on: January 17, 2020, 02:42:57 AM »
Yes, I have to hide things I throw away too. Very much like you describe.
Part of it is the questions / control issues that some have mentioned in their replies. Especially around food or new purchases.
Part of it is the hoarding type stuff. My h is not an obvious hoarder but there are small piles and categories of things that he just can't seem to stop accumulating and can't willingly let go of.
We don't live in detritus, but our storage areas like closets and some cupboards are not usable for real life purposes.
I think, like GettingOOTF describes, the kids and I might be the only thing keeping him from crossing to full blown hoarding.
I have been caught recently trying to throw out some expired cat food, some old papers (bills from 12 years ago) and some takeout coffee cups (he wants to burn them in the firepit. We never use the firepit. We have half a garden shed full of them now.) The result is that PDh has cracked down on garbage inspection and handling. All jobs relating to waste disposal are now his.
I don't like the dishonesty of it either, but each of the 3 of us has our own garbage container tucked somewhere and after h leaves for work, we add our own things to the garbage and recycling he has placed curbside. No scrutiny = No conflict. Thank goodness he leaves first!!
Once in awhile I move a bunch of things around in areas he has stashes while "looking for something" and sneak a little bit of that stuff out too.
So to answer your questions, Yes, I have to hide things I throw away. And, Yes, I have to secretly sneak out trash just to stay sane.

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Jsinjin

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #8 on: January 17, 2020, 10:10:33 AM »
BC:

Every time I post a question on this forum I'm relieved to find out that my coping mechanisms are not nuts.   I do actually live in a world where the PD behaviors and the way that a slightly less PD person interacts with the behaviors are similar.   

Thank you for the validation.

Jsj
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Findingmyvoice

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #9 on: January 17, 2020, 05:06:42 PM »
when we were dating, exBPDw and I would secretly clean up / throw out things at her mothers house.
Rotten food, used batteries, tags from bread bags, pens that don't work, stuff that we knew for sure had no use and wouldn't be missed.
She had a basement full to the ceiling of bags like this and a pantry with cans that had rusted through.  More than one person got ill from eating at her home.

Then exBPDw started showing some hoarding tendencies too.  over buying almost everything.  I had to also be sneaky about cleaning up / throwing things out.
If we went through it together it would take endless hours and in the end not much got thrown out.
exBPDw was never as bad as her mom, but i remember taking lots of heat for deleting pictures that were out of focus or just bad pictures.  She would take 20 to 100 shots of each pose or situation and have to keep all of them.
Managing picture storage was an endless battle, she would take literally tens of thousands of pictures a year and get upset if I deleted any of them.  Then she would want to go through them with me and print them.


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GentleSoul

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #10 on: January 17, 2020, 05:34:36 PM »
I have done this many times.  My friend mentioned she does too. 

I agree it is always such a relief when other people share that they do the same as I do.


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11JB68

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #11 on: January 18, 2020, 01:35:28 AM »
Yes! Silly stuff. The ocd part of his ocpd is very strong. Even my own stuff, I will sneak it into the bottom of the trash, or out to a donation center. I got so tired of his wasting time with a procedure around a (monthly?) Envelope of free coupons/ads that I just grab them from the mail and bury them in the recycling

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SparkStillLit

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #12 on: January 18, 2020, 10:36:42 AM »
We have a bizarre reversal of this. Every so often updh tears through here when no one is here and throws out everone ELSE'S stuff but none of his, on a "cleaning and organizing " spree. Otherwise he's a bit of a disorganized mess and leaves things where he drops them and scatters stuff all over (but complains bitterly about this). Also calls everyone else disorganized and cluttered.

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SparkStillLit

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #13 on: January 18, 2020, 10:40:02 AM »
You have to hide things you want to keep. He's thrown away entire boxes without looking in them (......orrrrr.....maybe on purpose since they were mine.....) of things we packed for one of his moves that we never made, and then, exhausted, I never unpacked it. (He kept re-threatening moving). It's like reverse hoarding.

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Frances29

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #14 on: January 21, 2020, 01:08:53 PM »
Yes, I have to daily hide and bag and take out the kitchen garbage and arrange it in the outside garbage bin so H doesn't see if the kids and I ordered a pizza or if I got a smoothie or a coffee, not due to finances, I work FT and have my own money. 

BUTTT....If H sees something in the garbage and we 'didn't get him anything' altho he works 45 minutes from our house; it turns into his HOURS LONG sulking-moping-whining-pity party of, "Oh I guess Dad didn't want any pizza, oh I guess Dad didn't want a coffee, I guess Dad didn't want a smoothie..."

It's really annoying to constantly cater to an overgrown baby whining 'where's mine'.

In my life I have never said, I guess I didn't want any pizza or I guess MOM (me) didn't want any coffee. I am an adult I can get whatever it is I desire at any moment..

I have tried every strategy to over come the whining, from buying him food/drinks he throws out because he says he doesn't want it and already ate, I have tried catering to it (the whining) and saying, we didn't forget about you, now I ignore it, or I say get it yourself.  I have VERY little patience for enabling a grown man child as I get older...

But, yet I still double bag the garbage and hide it in the trash bin, hoping to ward off another man'trum...I guess I should stop doing that and let it escalate...because I am no longer catering to a man child...




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Jsinjin

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #15 on: January 21, 2020, 03:06:24 PM »
But, yet I still double bag the garbage and hide it in the trash bin, hoping to ward off another man'trum...I guess I should stop doing that and let it escalate...because I am no longer catering to a man child...

Wow!   I do that too.  I will take time to later trash above and below what I'm throwing away even being careful to make sure the stuff on the top is disgusting and difficult to root through so that she doesn't spend too much time digging down to where I threw out a commemorative coffee mug from some conference swag bag.  My ultimate choice is the cat litter box scoopings of clay dust and feces.     Sad but to throw away a piece of useless garbage I have to camoflage it and make sure that it's a health hazard.
It is unwise to seek prominence in a field whose routine chores you do not enjoy.

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Frances29

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #16 on: January 21, 2020, 03:58:30 PM »
But, yet I still double bag the garbage and hide it in the trash bin, hoping to ward off another man'trum...I guess I should stop doing that and let it escalate...because I am no longer catering to a man child...

Wow!   I do that too.  I will take time to later trash above and below what I'm throwing away even being careful to make sure the stuff on the top is disgusting and difficult to root through so that she doesn't spend too much time digging down to where I threw out a commemorative coffee mug from some conference swag bag.  My ultimate choice is the cat litter box scoopings of clay dust and feces.     Sad but to throw away a piece of useless garbage I have to camoflage it and make sure that it's a health hazard.

Yes, I do the same....You have to wonder - when is enough enough ...I am closer every day...When you can't even throw out your own garbage because even that is used as 'a weapon' in whatever their tactic for abuse is..

My H would say I do something of this degree tho; but its not even remotely the same - what H does is he will eat the last of the bread, last of the peanut butter, last of the jelly, the last apple, all the grapes, all of the kids snacks for after school and school, eat all their ice cream sandwiches...its like a sneaky little game where he eats an entire loaf of bread and all the peanut butter, all the above and I can either 1. not mention it - meaning he got away with bad behavior AGAIN and he escalates from food sneaking to stealing money out of our account but something is always being snuck or stolen for attention, or 2. Mention it and scold him again like a naughty child -- THE ADULTS in the house DO NOT eat the LAST of anything its for the kids and he will start a man'trum of what are you the food police, Oh I forgot DAD isn't allowed to eat anything, its always a pity party, its always a sulk - he is a covert N, so its never outwardly aggressive which honestly would be easier to deal with than the woe is me - sad sack type - is depleting me quickly, it gets worse every year..

What I do now is - I hide all the kids snacks, crackers, hide the peanut butter, jelly, and yup even hide loaves of bread (yes in my own home, I have to do this)...I have to hide the last apple, the last banana knowing I have to get more quickly before he eats everything, and our kids will not have any school lunches or snacks..I do not eat any of these things, and would never and have never eaten the last of anything since I became a mother..My H is also 70 lbs overweight and now obese..so again its showing me how miserable (woe is me/look what I have to do because of you) he is by his shameful gluttonous behavior..

As an ETA; I had a friend not long ago who knows H does this with the kids food and she said you know - he does this for some reason he is getting something out of it; because he has 10 convenience stores and several restaurants he could get anything he wanted at - on the way home from work; that he purposefully eats the kids "lasts" is a control behavior, its abuse..what its called, I don't know..we had a thread on this behavior here this summer..why eat the last of the kids anything, when its agreed NEITHER of us would; he won't stop; he can get food 24/7 on his own ...  :stars:

« Last Edit: January 21, 2020, 04:07:35 PM by Frances29 »

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Whiteheron

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #17 on: January 21, 2020, 06:49:05 PM »
We have a bizarre reversal of this. Every so often updh tears through here when no one is here and throws out everone ELSE'S stuff but none of his, on a "cleaning and organizing " spree. Otherwise he's a bit of a disorganized mess and leaves things where he drops them and scatters stuff all over (but complains bitterly about this). Also calls everyone else disorganized and cluttered.
:yeahthat:
YES! This exactly. I remember coming back from visiting with my mom (stbx got us out of the house so he could 'vsit' with his gf) only to find all of my saved cooking magazines and recipes in the bin. I could go on and on...I've also written about his piles before... :roll:

Also the food related issued Frances29 talks about. Would eat the last of anything that was bought for someone else. Or most of it and leave an unusable amount left (like a tsp of peanutbutter or half of an oreo) so he didn't have to be responsible for throwing out/recycling the container. It was maddening.
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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GentleSoul

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #18 on: January 22, 2020, 03:31:26 AM »
This thread popped into my head a couple days ago.

With a group of pals and one mentioned how her hubby pitched an enormous fit about her throwing away a broken umbrella!  He was shouting at her demanding she justify throwing away this broken umbrella.  For goodness sake. He got it back out of the dustbin.

Her husband is a daily, very heavy alcohol drinker, and from comments she has made in the past, sounds like he shows traits of a big ol' narky nark. 

With the clarity I have gradually gained as I have found the strength to come Out of the FOG, I realise it is never about the object they are kicking off about - it is all about them needing a vehicle to get their inner rage out on.   

Bit like a laxative. Whoosh.  Everybody else stand back quickly! 

Broken umbrella or whatever, it's the same process.  Inner rage looking to come blasting its way out at whoever is nearest. 


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Rosina

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Re: Do you have to hide things you throw away?
« Reply #19 on: January 22, 2020, 04:33:16 PM »
I used to dread all of the trips up to the ILís.  It seemed like they were always gifting us with their cast offs.   They lived six hrs away and we were always coming home with a carload of stuff.  Stuff that me and the kids did not want that would have to be kept for a period, then taken to a dumpster somewhere (DH would pull items out of the trash and harass us about it) or taken to Goodwill.
My DH and I rewired a house from the power pole in 2006-2007.   We have moved 4 times since then, we have two large Tupperware boxes filled with extra wire.  Some of the nice heavy duty copper stuff I have stripped the covering off and repurposed with my stained glass hobby, and there was some of it I persuaded him to donate to the Little League to help with their remodeling.  But we still have one small tub of wire just in case.  We will never use that wire!
After we moved out of that house we rewired, my DH had a heck of a time purging the 2 1/2 car garage of all his crap.  Quite a bit of it was his parents cast offs. 
It seems that my DH is constantly going through the filing cabinet and pulling out bills and then placing them wherever.  This includes bills that have yet to be paid.  I am the one that does the bill paying.  I have a designated place and system.  Itís hard to keep track of the bills when he takes a bill that is due that you havenít gotten to paying yet putting it somewhere else.
I lived alone before we married.  I had a very good simple system of paying the bills, knew when they were due etc.  Paid bills etc were in an accordion file with the most recent in front.  He didnít like my system.  He insisted on driving around to each utility, standing in line and writing a check, getting a receipt and then taking the receipts and dumping them onto a telephone table under an open window where they would yellow up and curl and blow all over.  He would frantically go through the bills often because he couldnít remember if he had paid it or not and would yell at me etc.  I organized the bills and paper clipped them.  He didnít like that.  When I came home from work they were all over the place again.
His job changed about 20 yrs ago and he traveled a lot.  A lot of his fiends wives took care of the bills.  He asked me why I didnít take care of the bills and I reminded him.  I have been doing it ever since.
I think itís a control thing and he likes chaos.
« Last Edit: January 22, 2020, 04:35:28 PM by Rosina »
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