Nothing ever changes

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all4peace

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Nothing ever changes
« on: January 16, 2020, 12:43:46 PM »
DH has opened up communication a bit more with his parents. In a recent public outing with them, me not having talked with MIL for months, and MIL not having spoken conversationally to DH in more than 7 months, MIL's first question was if she could have direct access to DD's entire senior photo file.

The last time we spoke seriously to MIL was when she tried to manipulate DD into spending time alone with MIL in order for DD to get her bday present. DH offered her other avenues, she tried harder, and then I stepped in and messaged her directly telling her the options. She instantly backed away and went silent for more than half a year.

Now her first extended interaction with our family was used to try to get direct access to all of DD senior photos and to demand a repeated chore of DH while she's on an extended trip away.

FIL's questions were regarding a work project of mine he only knows through snooping (I caught him redhanded at this, on our property), as if it's legitimate for him to be asking about this. And then MIL raised her eyebrows and let me know she wants to see this project once I'm done with it, as if she is entitled to this.

I find that I tend to focus on getting through the engagement politely and as kindly as possible, and then afterwards my brain goes wild with processing everything. Then it hits me.

There is nothing enriching or enjoyable about these interactions. It is a matter of enduring and tolerating, and then recovering. I wish it would change, but it never does. What HAS changed (thank you, Starboard Song!!) is that DH and I go into these interactions as a team, and we come out as a team. Our entire family is a team. We only agree to what we can all agree on, and we check in with each other afterwards. DH and I process and adjust as needed (more space between family interactions). We reaffirm our connection with each other and then try to recuperate and move on.

I don't really have a question, just an observation that for me it truly never changes.

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Pepin

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Re: Nothing ever changes
« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2020, 01:04:43 PM »
There is nothing enriching or enjoyable about these interactions. It is a matter of enduring and tolerating, and then recovering. I wish it would change, but it never does. What HAS changed (thank you, Starboard Song!!) is that DH and I go into these interactions as a team, and we come out as a team. Our entire family is a team. We only agree to what we can all agree on, and we check in with each other afterwards. DH and I process and adjust as needed (more space between family interactions). We reaffirm our connection with each other and then try to recuperate and move on.

Thank you for sharing....I think many of us don't have questions and just need to share, letting others now that they are not alone.

I am so pleased for you that your DH is on your side and that both him and you as well as your family are a team.  This is literally my dream scenario when it comes to dealing with PD in-laws....despite their continued interruptions.   :applause:
Why work so hard to have a relationship with someone that does not care the same way as you?

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

Born into a dysfunctional family and married into a dysfunctional family.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.

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Bloomie

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Re: Nothing ever changes
« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2020, 01:09:55 PM »
Quote from: all4peace
I find that I tend to focus on getting through the engagement politely and as kindly as possible, and then afterwards my brain goes wild with processing everything. Then it hits me.

There is nothing enriching or enjoyable about these interactions. It is a matter of enduring and tolerating, and then recovering. I wish it would change, but it never does. What HAS changed (thank you, Starboard Song!!) is that DH and I go into these interactions as a team, and we come out as a team. Our entire family is a team. We only agree to what we can all agree on, and we check in with each other afterwards. DH and I process and adjust as needed (more space between family interactions). We reaffirm our connection with each other and then try to recuperate and move on.

What a strong position you and your DH and children are responding from! Just really beautiful this united front. Spring Butterfly had a quote in their profile tag line here for awhile that said something like: "every contact brings harm so plan accordingly" and it seems like that was your experience in this last meeting with your in laws because yes, nothing ever changes with them, but thank goodness it does change with us.
"If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow." Dr. Caroline Leaf

Bloomie 🌸

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Love

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Re: Nothing ever changes
« Reply #3 on: January 19, 2020, 04:18:29 PM »
It was reassuring to read this.  You and your family are so strong, it is pretty amazing. 

Reassuring when you said “things never change” - because sometimes I think we all wonder if we are jaded and should dip back in or open up further because “they say” they’ve changed.

The other reassurance is in your strength - most of us understand how difficult these people are mentally and physically in dealing with them.  Your strength often times reminds me to be strong.  Thank you.