UPs and Downs

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inHistime

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UPs and Downs
« on: January 16, 2020, 02:44:06 PM »
I was relieved to get through the holidays and our S bday without much nonsense from inlaws. Then the annual guilt trip on H's bday. Fil and Bil did their usual how they love and miss HIM. only Him, only once a year on this date. MIL silence. I don't understand why they think treating him like he doesn't have a wife and kids is equals a relationship with him? Overjoyed to have H open up and tell me how he felt. Not sure if the answer is healthy but hey he talked! He said he just feels nothing. He doesn't feel "attached" to any of his foo. Over the past 2 weeks, our family has been dealing with a serious medical issue with our D. I thanked him for not even considering tell his foo, as they would make it all about them and use my poor child in that way.  It was the most reassuring relief that he wouldn't dream of telling them anything about us.  On the other hand......my siblings are super supportive. my M seemed to be, then she starts texting me how to "google" our D condition and what info she found. It was so insulting. I AM 36 years old. I don't understand WHY SHE THINKS I'M STUPID! We had a specialist send us to another specialist that are DOCTORS in their specialties for decades. our D is 9. We're waiting for an MRI. They haven't ruled out cancer. Don't you think I've gathered as much info as I possibly can on her condition? M likes to spell out words to me, so I can understand. AAHHHH! I got straight A's, I was Valedictorian. But she treats me like I can't understand anything!? Disappointed.

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Bloomie

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Re: UPs and Downs
« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2020, 11:44:55 AM »
inHistime - Oh my goodness this is a lot on your mind and heart! Your focus and energy have got to be for your FOC and staying on track and keeping steady for your child's optimum opportunity for health and well being. This kind of diagnostic process is extremely stressful and how amazingly reassuring that you and your DH are in unity about keeping this information to trusted family members only. Bravo!

I get what your DH describes himself feeling - a nothingness, and emotional disengagement - his energies are otherwise directed and he most likely has no room from any drama from his FOO. I imagine him opening up has brought you both closer to each other.

With your mom... very frustrating to be sure. Something a wise forum member Coyote shared that he does a few years back became a challenge for me that has brought rich benefits. He shared that he chose to refuse to be offended. I had to think that through a bit, but in my own life what I have been dedicating myself to is to feel the feelings when someone behaves toward me in an offensive manner, process and move through them, but then I am learning to refuse to take it personally and carry the offense with me.

It takes practice, but it has brought a great deal of freedom and peace into my internal world. Just some thoughts and lots of support as you go through a really uncertain and tough time with your precious child. Sending you wisdom and strength! Let us know as you are able how you all are doing. :hug:
"If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow." Dr. Caroline Leaf

Bloomie 🌸

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inHistime

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Re: UPs and Downs
« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2020, 12:55:55 PM »
Thank you! I think being in this stressful medical scenario has made it more difficult to not be offended. I agree and have learned to do this a lot with other people. I am not emotionally detached from my m, so it hurts that I feel like she keeps racking up the reasons I can't trust her to tell her important things. She measures me up, analyze my decisions, and compare it to what would she do or not do? Her googling and clicking on the first link is FAR better info than any work I've done for my own D. right.  I guess I know in my heart there is no talking to her about it. I'm just tired of hearing what her "better" opinion is, what her "better" decision would be. I just have to stop telling her.  I guess it's partly guilt because my H already has no foo now, my kids only have my parents as grandparents. more disconnect.   Like I said ups and downs. So much has been dealt with on inlaws side, so much peace. I want to explain, respectfully, how she makes me feel. (lots of instances not just this one) I just don't think she'll see herself as wrong in anyway so why put myself out there.  Thanks for listening.

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Bloomie

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Re: UPs and Downs
« Reply #3 on: January 17, 2020, 01:08:12 PM »
inHistime - what would happen if you set a kindly spoken boundary and stopped her in her tracks instead of disconnecting from her? What if you kindly stated: "We don't rely on internet searches. We have a team of highly trained professionals we are working with." or "mom this kind of thing isn't helpful at such a difficult time." "I would like to share this with you and need your support, but won't be able to if you continue to question my decisions like this."

Is addressing it in the moment a possibility over distancing?
"If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow." Dr. Caroline Leaf

Bloomie 🌸

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inHistime

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Re: UPs and Downs
« Reply #4 on: January 17, 2020, 10:04:33 PM »
Thanks Bloomie! I think I've been scarred by trying to address things and give boundaries because that usually equals more harsh treatment and punishment by my inlaws. I talked to my m. I'm glad I did. She didn't totally get it, she said it was just information. I simply said that doesn't help me, I don't need that. She was sorry, she cares she hurt my feelings. I don't think she gets why and she's not great at respecting boundaries. I can move on and not be hurt, I hope she can too. She might not, but I am glad to try. But I do need to express my boundaries first, not just distance. It was a hard day, my D MRI is done. Thanks again.