DH feels like in a hurry, I have all the time in the world

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candy

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DH feels like in a hurry, I have all the time in the world
« on: January 16, 2020, 07:03:40 PM »
We‘ve just been to marriage counseling and both our counselor and our individual therapists have backed me up on keeping my NC going whilst DH and I deal with adjusting our life.

I am in the second trimester of pregnancy with our second child who will add to our little family this summer.
It‘s a high-risk pregnancy already but despite having a toddler who doesn’t enjoy taking it easy  :yahoo: , I subjectively am doing fine. I focus on my health and I am putting us first.

DH has been negotiating a personal meeting with the IL‘s to me. I refuse to take part for at least the time of my pregnancy.
He feels pressured to clear the air with his parents before the baby is born. As he was the one offering a conversation between 4 adults meaning DH, me, NPDMIL and uNPDFIL, DH now would prefer to go through with it. He thinks if we step back from the offer to talk, MIL and FIL will perceive it as us going back and forth.

DH is simultaneously understanding that it is my right, AND the healthy thing to do, to not expose myself to high conflict situations. Contact with the IL‘s will have potential to be escalative and stressful. DH emphasizes particularly that he encourages me to stay away from MIL and FIL as this is his moral obligation as a caring husband and father.

I can tell that DH feels torn. On the one hand he wants to be supportive of me. On the other hand he would like to be the better person, the one who tries to resolve conflicts, who signals willingness to communicate.

Both our joint counselor and DH‘s t (and mine) did not question my request to postpone a talk with NPDMIL and uNPDFIL way past birth and the first months as a family of four then. It is a boundary of mine that is respected by the professionals, it hasn’t even been an option to discuss the pros and cons. I feel validated. And it really helps with regard to the ongoing communication between DH and me after the sessions that the Ts support my view.

I‘ve seen another major change in DH during therapy: he doesn’t want to meet MIL and FIL without me present.
T has asked if DH was up to meet his parents on his own given his feeling of pressure to restore the relationship with them. Maybe it would be easier without me anyway?
DH doesn’t see any knowledge growth coming from meeting them on his own. He says he already knows that MIL and FIL will pretend to „love“ me, will promise to behave in a decent manner, will possibly try to gaslight him about past events and play the victim. DH talks about cycles of drama now - he must definitely have read a few things on PDs  :woohoo:

The only way to know for sure whether their actions will live up to their words is to watch them interacting with him and me. That’s DH‘s take on things. He wants to be united with me, like a „team FOC Candy and DH“. :chestbump:

He also mentioned he would likely feel like he was betraying his wife and his FOC intensifying the relationship with his parents. He would fully understand if I felt betrayed then.
T asked if DH could see himself visiting his parents with DD some day within the next year, leaving me at home? No, DH answered, that would not be supportive of my wife‘s choices. What’s more, if the IL‘s chose to pursue a relationship with DD, they would need to demonstrate a consistent effort to establish a civil and respectful relationship with DD‘s mother 

:fireworks:

I’ve been quite surprised to listen to DH. We both agree that there are no words or actions that indicate the IL‘s have an interest in change. On the contrary they have continued to ostracize me.

I watch it from a bird‘s eye view, I don’t allow their behavior to hurt or affect me.
DH is emotionally involved, of course. Rationally he understands. Emotionally he is sad, I’d even say he is grieving. It‘s hard on him but I believe he is growing slowly Out of the FOG.

Today I really feel I need to share those recent experiences. And I am a little in love with the emoji... maybe it‘s the hormones  :bigwink:

Have a good one today, you all!

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Pepin

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Re: DH feels like in a hurry, I have all the time in the world
« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2020, 07:48:40 PM »
This news is heartwarming to hear.  Your DH seems to be on his way OOTF and your counselor and therapists are solidly in your court.  What a wonderful feeling.  If I had the opportunity to go back in time, I would have required seeing a marriage counselor and us each to have therapists of our own.  Instead, I have had to do the work mostly on my own, with some therapists along the way while DH kind of wanders around clueless.  We are too far along in our marriage and his aging widowed mother won't receive less attention from him until he is sick of dealing with her.  That being said, the rest of his FOO has been getting a little bit prickly lately and really showing their true colors.  That is something he cannot deny...  Therefore, I have to have strong boundaries with not only PDmil, DH's siblings and their families but DH himself.  He may not like it but that's not my problem anymore. 

I applaud your strength!
Why work so hard to have a relationship with someone that does not care the same way as you?

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

Born into a dysfunctional family and married into a dysfunctional family.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.

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Bloomie

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Re: DH feels like in a hurry, I have all the time in the world
« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2020, 01:03:10 PM »
candy - this is a wonderful update! I am thankful you and your DH are in unity and are getting solid support from your trusted advisors.

Quote from: candy
The only way to know for sure whether their actions will live up to their words is to watch them interacting with him and me. That’s DH‘s take on things. He wants to be united with me, like a „team FOC Candy and DH“. :chestbump:
Love this!
"If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow." Dr. Caroline Leaf

Bloomie 🌸