Setting boundaries and getting abuse

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Fedup2020

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Setting boundaries and getting abuse
« on: January 17, 2020, 04:14:56 PM »
I had my previous thread deleted. I'm afraid the professionals may come looking and find it since I mentioned using it for advice and support.

Anyway, I have set boundaries and now getting verbal because of it. I have only stopped overnight contact. She is still welcome to come on her usual days, just no more overnights.

I'm not sleeping because I'm getting calls to say she has vanished, or that she is in hospital again. Almost every night. So it's safe to say that im extremely uncomfortable and on edge come night time. Nevermind the nights when she is here.

Now I'm being told that this is the reason why she wants to kill herself etc. How can I expect her to get better if I keep changing things etc. What a lovely mother I am that I dont feel comfortable around my own daughter blah blah blah.

It's so hard trying to remind myself that she is trying to guilt trip me.
She has even told me that her last overdose was done just to spite the care home, not depression or suicidal thoughts. Just to spite them.

She has got my head battered at the minute with the twists and turns shes taking trying to make me feel bad. I'm feeling bad. I'm feeling guilty. But...I knew this would happen.  I just need to try and ride it out without it escalating too badly.

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NumbLotus

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Re: Setting boundaries and getting abuse
« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2020, 09:16:50 PM »
This sounds incredibly hard. I'm sorry.

My H used to work as a care worker in a residence for developmentally disabled adults, not the same situation but perhaps there are overlaps. So I'm coming from that perspective.

Does the facility have guardianship over her?

Are these judgemental comments coming from the staff or a licensed professional overseeing her case or both?
Is it getting better?
Or do you feel the same?

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Fedup2020

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Re: Setting boundaries and getting abuse
« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2020, 09:26:56 PM »
Sorry I wasnt very clear in my post, i realise that now I've read it back over.
Those comments are from my daughter.

Just the grief I am getting because I made a decision she doesnt agree with.

Yes they have guardianship of her.

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NumbLotus

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Re: Setting boundaries and getting abuse
« Reply #3 on: January 17, 2020, 09:35:38 PM »
I see.

Still, is the facility supporting you in this? Do I recall that they have made some demands on you or judgements about your level of contact/availability?

In my H's line of work, the facility also had guardianship. They had a mission of supporting the families, but demands of any kind were not made on them.

If the facility is not adding to your burden, and it's only her - then, I'm sorry, I have absolutely nothing to add but my best wishes. I've seen parents set boundaries over their children's drug use or dependent behavior but this is another level.
Is it getting better?
Or do you feel the same?

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Fedup2020

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Re: Setting boundaries and getting abuse
« Reply #4 on: January 17, 2020, 09:58:59 PM »
Previously when I have tried setting boundaries, they have made me feel quite pressured or tried talking me out of it. They didnt this time. Thankfully.

I think it has all went far enough now to where they cant even question my need to pull back a bit because it is too much for anyone.

Thank you very much :)

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momnthefog

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Re: Setting boundaries and getting abuse
« Reply #5 on: January 18, 2020, 11:17:20 AM »
I've found that setting boundaries and keeping them in place is exhausting for me and results in an increase in attempts to test boundaries.

However,  I've learned that I have to set boundaries, keep them in order to be healthy.  We have a right to keep toxic out or at arm's length.

Sounds like boundaries with daughter and staff are a good idea.

Momntjefig
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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Fedup2020

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Re: Setting boundaries and getting abuse
« Reply #6 on: January 18, 2020, 04:32:14 PM »
It really is exhausting. It's just anxiety inducing, even just knowing how they will react to a boundary before it is even set.

You're right though, it is important to set them and stick to them. She tried every which way to get me to change my mind, without realising everything she was saying was just showing me that I made the right choice. She was awful. But today she has apologised, accepted what I have put in place and asked if she could come tomorrow. Which I said yes to.

So far there have been no consequences to her running away and overdosing all of the time. Me doing this has been completely unexpected to her. I am hoping it is enough to put a stop to all of that. If she really wants to have overnight again, then that is what she needs to do in order for me to feel comfortable enough to have her overnight.

Fingers crossed.

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Fedup2020

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Re: Setting boundaries and getting abuse
« Reply #7 on: January 20, 2020, 07:43:03 AM »
It has only been a couple of days since I said no more overnight, but i think it may have been what has been needed.
I've had no phone calls of any negativity at all. No running away, no nothing. She has even been doing an activity she liked but stopped

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momnthefog

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Re: Setting boundaries and getting abuse
« Reply #8 on: January 20, 2020, 11:26:18 PM »
That's great news!
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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NumbLotus

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Re: Setting boundaries and getting abuse
« Reply #9 on: January 21, 2020, 12:28:01 AM »
Be prepared for the possibility it's temporary.

But it's great news indeed.
Is it getting better?
Or do you feel the same?

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Fedup2020

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Re: Setting boundaries and getting abuse
« Reply #10 on: January 22, 2020, 07:53:30 AM »
Thank you both!

Numblotus - I'm prepared. I do believe this is calmness to try and get back again, but I am enjoying the peace from it all at the minute.
Hopefully it is longer lasting than I expect.

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Fedup2020

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Re: Setting boundaries and getting abuse
« Reply #11 on: January 27, 2020, 04:40:44 PM »
And here we go. I am shaking with anxiety. She has started again. Getting angry because I wont say that she can sleep on the weekend. She is currently at the hospital again!

I explained why I'm not comfortable with her sleeping yet, but that if things continue as they have been then it shouldn't be an issue. Obviously she is feeling a bit rubbish in herself knowing that what she has done has put a dent in how I'll feel for this weekend. But if this is going to be it, then I'd be fine. But...she started getting nasty. I asked her not to be nasty and she told me I'm just over sensitive and cant take her opinion.

Her opinion was having a dig at my overdose a few years ago when I was severely depressed and suicidal. I'm not proud of that, but I've came a long way since then. For her to throw it at me like that I just find it extremely low and nasty.
She then proceeded to tell me that she wishes I would die.

Which again I find absolutely awful! We have spoken in depth about mental health etc. And she has spoken to me about things she has heard elsewhere and posts stuff about if people need her she is there no matter what time etc. She has spoken about how it doesnt take much to trigger someone who is low so people should be careful with their words. Yet she says this...to her mother.
It's not the first time either.
So I know that she knows. She also knows that I am back on anti depressants.
Thankfully I'm not in a position of being triggered that way, but she doesnt know that.

I honestly dont think I can take anymore. Shes getting far too old to be throwing temper tantrums like this and for me to just let it go as if nothing happened.
Theres starting to be too much water under the bridge. In fact it's already starting to overflow. I've had enough.

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PeanutButter

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Re: Setting boundaries and getting abuse
« Reply #12 on: January 27, 2020, 05:50:34 PM »
Your last post reminded me of the ephimy I had relating to watching Jerry Wise on you tube. I wont be good a describing it so ill give a link. His talks are very helpful to me.
With success using the theory the result would be you reacting to your D as if she had said "mom you are such a Coca-Cola" :o instead of shaking with anxiety from her dig at your overdose. It would mean letting go of caring what she thinks of you.
Its much much easier said than done!
I dont have the exact same experiences as you but maybe it could help you too if you could give it a try. https://youtu.be/H78tml5IdiA
Best wishes for you and your family.

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Fedup2020

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Re: Setting boundaries and getting abuse
« Reply #13 on: January 27, 2020, 06:08:04 PM »
Thank you so much. I will look him up on youtube once I've got the kids in bed.

She has apologised now saying they were accident words because she was stressed. I get stressed but I'm not nasty to others because of it. I really dont know if I can come back from this one. I really dont. It happens far far far too often.
I cant even respond to her or open her message. I just cant be bothered with it all anymore.

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PeanutButter

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Re: Setting boundaries and getting abuse
« Reply #14 on: January 27, 2020, 06:57:20 PM »
I cant even respond to her or open her message..
I think that is completely understandable! IMO it sounds like a perfectly reasonable response. So dont feel guilty about that! I hope you can get some rest. Wishing you peacefulness tonight especially.
« Last Edit: January 27, 2020, 07:08:52 PM by PeanutButter »

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Fedup2020

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Re: Setting boundaries and getting abuse
« Reply #15 on: January 27, 2020, 07:14:02 PM »
Thank you peanut butter :)

That Jerry wise posted a video an hour ago about preparing to go no contact! I'm watching it. It's very interesting, and helpful. So thanks again!

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momnthefog

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Re: Setting boundaries and getting abuse
« Reply #16 on: January 28, 2020, 01:40:45 AM »
You put a boundary in place and she pressed up against it to see if you'd enforce....you did and she acted like a toddler....sadly, PDs seem to have the emotional maturity of a toddler....lying on the floors, arms and legs flaying around screaming.

And she knows how to attack you and how to get to you.

I'm sorry this was so short lived.

momnthefog
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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Fedup2020

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Re: Setting boundaries and getting abuse
« Reply #17 on: January 28, 2020, 05:20:26 AM »
It is such a shame. I still have no idea how to respond to her apology. It means absolutely nothing  I know she thinks if she says sorry, all is forgotten and things are back to normal. It's not a genuine apology.
I cant continue like that anymore though.
I'm not able to forget these things as easily as I could when she was like 12. They're slowly mounting up and I'm feeling resentment.

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PeanutButter

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Re: Setting boundaries and getting abuse
« Reply #18 on: January 28, 2020, 09:39:58 AM »
It is such a shame. I still have no idea how to respond to her apology. It means absolutely nothing  I know she thinks if she says sorry, all is forgotten and things are back to normal. It's not a genuine apology.
I cant continue like that anymore though.
I'm not able to forget these things as easily as I could when she was like 12. They're slowly mounting up and I'm feeling resentment.
Im glad that Jerry's new video was so perfectly timed with just the subject you needed. I often feel that the 'universe' or a 'higher power' often subtly shows or tells me what I need at the time I need it if i closely watch and listen for it.
I think that not answering or responding to the messages is an appropriate response. Someone on this forum has talked about that. Wait it out. Then maybe you wont need to anything. Not all texts require a response. Someone on this forum says that too.
Ive learned so much here. I hope you do too.
If you liked jerry wise he has a video "setting boundarieies does not mean i dont love you."  https://youtu.be/BNJXTjK-SCo  I know your time is limited but he is so inspiring and validating to me. And I want that for you and all of us. He said in one video that to save yourself you may very well have to leave some you love behind: mothers, brothers, children, even pets. That helped me alot to hear that.
IME Once you ''save' yourself' you can heal and get to a healthier place where you will ultimately be a better support for your daughter. She may not ever recognise this is so. That doesnt matter IMO It will be her choice if she wants to be in your life she will respect your boundaries.
If she doesnt respect your boundaries she will be choosing to not have a relationship with you.
IME I would focus on yourself. That is not selfish or self centered. It is the first and a vital step in being a good enough parent!

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Fedup2020

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Re: Setting boundaries and getting abuse
« Reply #19 on: January 28, 2020, 01:50:09 PM »
It definitely felt like it was some kind of sign when I seen the title of his most recent video I am really looking forward to watching more tonight when I've settled down for the night. I will definitely check out the video you have suggested. It seems like it will have some handy info in that I could do with right now.
I am loving the circuit breakers as well. I'm trying to remember and add those to my tool box!

Hopefully with this forum and those videos, along with how fed up I am with it - hopefully it will be all I need to fully focus on myself. I think I am getting there. Slowly. It's hard which I'm sure you're all well aware of how difficult it is, but fingers crossed that in the very near future I will be there.