Hoovering attempt or enlightenment?

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fish2019

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Hoovering attempt or enlightenment?
« on: January 20, 2020, 11:28:00 AM »
My narcissist ex sent me a text message the other day (seemingly out of the blue, but it was actually on the anniversary of his terrible accident a few years ago). He said the day obviously had special significance to us both so he just wanted to thank me for everything I'd done during the whole relationship, but especially during that time. Saying that he wouldn't be who is he is today if it wasn't for me. He even mirrored the way I'd text him, using the same emoji I would etc.

He has a girlfriend at the moment (the one he discarded me for), so do you think he's genuinely working on himself or he wants something from me? I can't work it out.

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GettingOOTF

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Re: Hoovering attempt or enlightenment?
« Reply #1 on: January 20, 2020, 11:44:38 AM »
My BPDxH also has a horrific accident. He was in the hospital for a really long time and at one point the doctors said he might lose a limb.

He has sent me pretty much that exact text. In fact this is the story he tells people - Getting was the best wife. I wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for her. She saved my life in so many ways. I would do anything to get her back but I understand why she has chosen not to be with me any more.

This gets him all kinds of sympathy, especially from women.

He also has a girlfriend. That hasn’t stopped him trying to get back with me.

My therapist (who knows him from our joint sessions) said that he wants the easy life he had with me. That when he reaches out it’s likely because he is having to do something he doesn’t want to, like holding down a job.

I found out after I left that my ex had cheated on my multiple times. The one you know about is always just the tip of the iceberg.

If your ex is really working on himself he wouldn’t be sending you these fishing messages while he is in a relationship with another woman. He is trying to make you the mistress and is likely playing you against his girlfriend to get what ever supply he needed when he cheated. This isn’t the forum for my view on me  who cheat, but I see it as a form of abuse and entitlement. It’s a deep character flaw that very few ever do the work to change.

I would bet large sums of money that your ex is not doing any genuine work on himself.
« Last Edit: January 20, 2020, 11:46:37 AM by GettingOOTF »

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Poison Ivy

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Re: Hoovering attempt or enlightenment?
« Reply #2 on: January 20, 2020, 11:57:01 AM »
This: "[W]hen he reaches out itís likely because he is having to do something he doesnít want to, like holding down a job."

My ex-husband's parents died last fall, about 7 weeks apart.  Ex essentially abandoned me while we were married and became his parents' caregiver. It was clear at the time that it was a cruddy "job," but that just made me feel even worse about him preferring that to being with me.  Since his parents' deaths, he has done and said some things indicating he would like to spend time with me.  It's clear to me that the biggest reason for him to have any interest in being with me is that it would get him away from his parents' home and his responsibilities for cleaning up the house and dealing with their estates.  That is, he might or might not want to be with me but what he really wants is to avoid his current job.



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fish2019

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Re: Hoovering attempt or enlightenment?
« Reply #3 on: January 20, 2020, 12:06:39 PM »
My BPDxH also has a horrific accident. He was in the hospital for a really long time and at one point the doctors said he might lose a limb.

He has sent me pretty much that exact text. In fact this is the story he tells people - Getting was the best wife. I wouldnít be here today if it wasnít for her. She saved my life in so many ways. I would do anything to get her back but I understand why she has chosen not to be with me any more.

This gets him all kinds of sympathy, especially from women.

He also has a girlfriend. That hasnít stopped him trying to get back with me.

My therapist (who knows him from our joint sessions) said that he wants the easy life he had with me. That when he reaches out itís likely because he is having to do something he doesnít want to, like holding down a job.

I found out after I left that my ex had cheated on my multiple times. The one you know about is always just the tip of the iceberg.

If your ex is really working on himself he wouldnít be sending you these fishing messages while he is in a relationship with another woman. He is trying to make you the mistress and is likely playing you against his girlfriend to get what ever supply he needed when he cheated. This isnít the forum for my view on me  who cheat, but I see it as a form of abuse and entitlement. Itís a deep character flaw that very few ever do the work to change.

I would bet large sums of money that your ex is not doing any genuine work on himself.

So interesting! Thank you so much for sharing this, GettingOOTF.

I know that he cheated on me with at least two other women in the beginning so there's likely so many more as you say. It all came out when the new girlfriend exposed him. The new girlfriend took him back even after she found out he'd been cheating on her for 5 months with me (neither of us knew about each other). She even caught him messaging a different girl while he was with her but believes that 'all he needed was a chance to end his vicious cycle of lying to become a good person.'  :doh:

I think I'm just trying to figure out what it is that he wants from me 'supply' wise... Part of me thinks, just like you that he wants to make me the mistress. But, he hasn't overtly flirted or anything yet. Maybe he's just testing the waters right now...

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fish2019

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Re: Hoovering attempt or enlightenment?
« Reply #4 on: January 20, 2020, 12:08:58 PM »
This: "[W]hen he reaches out itís likely because he is having to do something he doesnít want to, like holding down a job."

My ex-husband's parents died last fall, about 7 weeks apart.  Ex essentially abandoned me while we were married and became his parents' caregiver. It was clear at the time that it was a cruddy "job," but that just made me feel even worse about him preferring that to being with me.  Since his parents' deaths, he has done and said some things indicating he would like to spend time with me.  It's clear to me that the biggest reason for him to have any interest in being with me is that it would get him away from his parents' home and his responsibilities for cleaning up the house and dealing with their estates.  That is, he might or might not want to be with me but what he really wants is to avoid his current job.

So awful that he discarded you like this. They sure do pick their moments. I'm really sorry that he treated you so badly - you deserve so much more, we all do.

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BeautifulCrazy

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Re: Hoovering attempt or enlightenment?
« Reply #5 on: January 20, 2020, 11:05:43 PM »
In my opinion you are being hoovered. Or he is messing with his gf by contacting you.
If it were me, I would not play.  I wouldn't give the supply / attention he is looking for!
Thanks, but No Thanks!

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fish2019

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Re: Hoovering attempt or enlightenment?
« Reply #6 on: January 28, 2020, 09:13:15 AM »
In my opinion you are being hoovered. Or he is messing with his gf by contacting you.
If it were me, I would not play.  I wouldn't give the supply / attention he is looking for!
Thanks, but No Thanks!

You were right! I found a message in my blocked folder this morning from the new girlfriend/flying monkey - she said that she's so happy that my ex and I were friends again, that she wouldn't stand in the way of our 'bond'. And more strange complimenting me about what a wonderful person I am - so, so strange.