PD behavior towards child first time

Mintstripes · January 03, 2020, 04:55:28 PM

It was only a matter of time, but exUNPD has finally hurt LO’s feelings on purpose. LO is a preschooler and able to express and verbalize more. PDs generally hate that!
He began insulting one of LO’s toys during a phone call, which apparently goes against his religious beliefs

Note that I have full custody and am raising LO in a secular home. Ex is still very much part of an insular religious community. I am so glad I escaped.
LO was very upset but also stood firm and defended her toy. I was so proud (yet she shouldn’t have to do that!). I also intervened in a firm yet calm manner. Ex refused to apologize. Evidently it is more important to him to cling to his rigid beliefs than to care about hurting his child’s feelings. He is a bully.
After the call, LO brought up what happened and I asked her what she thought about her toy, told her that’s what matters etc
Also, it was a gift from me! And I am not letting him spoil it. We played with the toy after the fact and enjoyed ourselves, free from his criticism.
I think I handled it well but I’m trying to prepare myself for future incidents. I imagine it will intensify as she grows older and can express herself more.

Stepping lightly · January 06, 2020, 12:54:05 PM

Hi Mintstripes,

I'm sorry your DD is dealing with her father saying hurtful things about her toy. BM really stepped her tactics with my stepkids when they were about 5, and she was more able to fully manipulate them. It was really hard watching my stepson when it started, he had been her "angel" up to that point, and all of the sudden he was the scapegoat....it was horrible!

Just keep her centered on not worrying about what other people think, to trust her own feelings and opinions. Let her know that it is ok to have feelings about toys or anything that are different from both mommy or daddy, because she has thoughts and feelings of her own. BM and her BF consistently trashes every item, idea, activity that originates from DH/I. Literally...every...single...thing.

CagedBirdSinging · January 06, 2020, 02:08:21 PM

Hi Mintstripes, it sounded like you handled that situation really well. You are a great role model for your LO. It sounds like she already has a good grounding in how to stand up for herself. Well done.

I was really interested to read your post because I have two LOs (both under 3). I am making plans to leave abusive PDh as soon as we can. I have noticed most people on this forum leave when their kids are older. I would love to hear more of your experience of leaving with a preschooler, if you had any tips you might be willing to share?! Was there anything that helped with the transition?

I really think it's better to make an escape while they are still this age, before the PD has a chance to impact them too much. I hope so anyway. I worry so much about the impact on my LOs. My eldest loves her D, he is all fun and games with her (whilst being abusive to me at same time, quite creepy). But as you say, the bubble will burst eventually. When he starts criticising her, it's better that we have our own safe haven.

Thanks again foe sharing.
Well done mamma!

Mintstripes · January 11, 2020, 11:47:06 AM

Quote from: CagedBirdSinging on January 06, 2020, 02:08:21 PM
Hi Mintstripes, it sounded like you handled that situation really well. You are a great role model for your LO. It sounds like she already has a good grounding in how to stand up for herself. Well done.

I was really interested to read your post because I have two LOs (both under 3). I am making plans to leave abusive PDh as soon as we can. I have noticed most people on this forum leave when their kids are older. I would love to hear more of your experience of leaving with a preschooler, if you had any tips you might be willing to share?! Was there anything that helped with the transition?

I really think it's better to make an escape while they are still this age, before the PD has a chance to impact them too much. I hope so anyway. I worry so much about the impact on my LOs. My eldest loves her D, he is all fun and games with her (whilst being abusive to me at same time, quite creepy). But as you say, the bubble will burst eventually. When he starts criticising her, it's better that we have our own safe haven.

Thanks again foe sharing.
Well done mamma!

I left when LO was under 2. I put a lot of pressure on myself to leave before she could remember, but it was good pressure because it got me out. Also, there would have been legal consequences if I had stayed too long. If I had waited until she was school age, even preschool, and attending a religious school, the courts may have been less inclined to allow her to leave that community. I wanted to leave the religion entirely, so I had to get all my ducks in a row fast. I couldn't afford to wait and set a precedent. Courts generally don't like to disrupt children's lifestyles too much.

After I left, it was survival mode for a long time. We had no where to go, so we lived in a few domestic violence shelters for almost a year. I won't lie, it was hell. Living in the shelter system, abiding by strict rules, finding a job, court, and eventually moving into our own apartment.

But... in a matter of days, it'll be 2 years since I left (!) and we are so better off. It was the hardest decision I have EVER made, and I am still processing feelings of utter rage, depression and anxiety, but I'm doing the best I can.

I wish you the best for a life of freedom!

Mintstripes · January 11, 2020, 11:52:14 AM

Quote from: Stepping lightly on January 06, 2020, 12:54:05 PM
Hi Mintstripes,

I'm sorry your DD is dealing with her father saying hurtful things about her toy. BM really stepped her tactics with my stepkids when they were about 5, and she was more able to fully manipulate them. It was really hard watching my stepson when it started, he had been her "angel" up to that point, and all of the sudden he was the scapegoat....it was horrible!

Just keep her centered on not worrying about what other people think, to trust her own feelings and opinions. Let her know that it is ok to have feelings about toys or anything that are different from both mommy or daddy, because she has thoughts and feelings of her own. BM and her BF consistently trashes every item, idea, activity that originates from DH/I. Literally...every...single...thing.

Thanks for sharing. It's amazing how manipulative these types of people are and how they will put down everything from you. Ex brought over some books from his religion a few weeks ago as a present and I didn't trash them. I won't be teaching her those values anyway, or reading them to her.

CagedBirdSinging · January 11, 2020, 02:53:15 PM

Mintstripes, thanks for sharing your story. I am sorry that you have had to go through such hell. I'm glad to hear that you are doing so much better now.

I had a similar idea, I want to leave while the kids are still too young to remember much. My H is so manipulative and he has started being manipulative towards my eldest D. Just today she was pestering him, wanting to see another episode of her favourite show, and he said 'ok you can watch it if you give me a hug and say I love you daddy.' She did it (she wanted to watch her show) and it just made my skin crawl. That is just manipulation. In this day and age when I want to be able to teach my daughters about consent and respect, how can I raise them with a H who uses emotional blackmail on a daily basis. He also ignores her opinions: she has told him not to carry her, she hates being carried, but he just keeps doing it anyway. What is this teaching her?! That her opinion doesn't matter and that men will ignore her voice?

You did the best, bravest thing. I hope to follow in your footsteps.

Take care
X

Mintstripes · January 12, 2020, 09:10:31 PM

Quote from: CagedBirdSinging on January 11, 2020, 02:53:15 PM
Mintstripes, thanks for sharing your story. I am sorry that you have had to go through such hell. I'm glad to hear that you are doing so much better now.

I had a similar idea, I want to leave while the kids are still too young to remember much. My H is so manipulative and he has started being manipulative towards my eldest D. Just today she was pestering him, wanting to see another episode of her favourite show, and he said 'ok you can watch it if you give me a hug and say I love you daddy.' She did it (she wanted to watch her show) and it just made my skin crawl. That is just manipulation. In this day and age when I want to be able to teach my daughters about consent and respect, how can I raise them with a H who uses emotional blackmail on a daily basis. He also ignores her opinions: she has told him not to carry her, she hates being carried, but he just keeps doing it anyway. What is this teaching her?! That her opinion doesn't matter and that men will ignore her voice?

You did the best, bravest thing. I hope to follow in your footsteps.

Take care
X

UGH that's infuriating and wrong.
Hard NO to forced affection. Yes to consent and bodily autonomy. I am constantly talking to LO about this, how she doesn't have to give anyone a hug or a kiss if she doesn't want to, or be tickled etc. Also how if anyone makes her scared or she doesn't like someone to tell me, grown ups aren't always right, sometimes they are wrong, etc. The talks have to start young.

Wishing you the best in your escape. You'll be ok.

GettingOOTF · January 12, 2020, 09:13:57 PM

I think you handled it perfectly. You have given her such a gift by leaving. She could be living with this day in and day out.

I'm sorry you still have to have contact with him.

Mintstripes · January 13, 2020, 10:44:53 PM

Quote from: GettingOOTF on January 12, 2020, 09:13:57 PM
I think you handled it perfectly. You have given her such a gift by leaving. She could be living with this day in and day out.

I'm sorry you still have to have contact with him.

Thank you.
As hard as it would be on her, I almost hope he drops out completely. He might, as she grows older and obviously isn't being raised in his insular faith community, with their values and lifestyle. He's been inconsistent with visits (doesn't show up for several months, then resumes contact, etc), so I wonder.

GettingOOTF · January 17, 2020, 10:15:23 AM

My personal view and life experience is that children are better off without abusive, addicted or PD parents in their life. I look back on my childhood and I see how much I suffered twisting and turning to appease my alcoholic mother and abusive, PD father. It was so confusing and frightening to me. I never knew what to expect and never understood what I did wrong when one of them would go off.

You daughter is beyond fortunate she has you in her life looking out for her. I wish I'd had someone like you in my life when I was a child.

Mintstripes · January 24, 2020, 06:51:32 PM

Quote from: GettingOOTF on January 17, 2020, 10:15:23 AM
My personal view and life experience is that children are better off without abusive, addicted or PD parents in their life. I look back on my childhood and I see how much I suffered twisting and turning to appease my alcoholic mother and abusive, PD father. It was so confusing and frightening to me. I never knew what to expect and never understood what I did wrong when one of them would go off.

You daughter is beyond fortunate she has you in her life looking out for her. I wish I'd had someone like you in my life when I was a child.

Thank you... I come from a similar background, sadly. I vowed to never be that kind of mother.