If my entire family is toxic..what does that make me?

[junebuggie]

Hello, thank you for reading.... my journey towards recovery began today. I had my first therapy appointment today as an adult, and he suggested I check out this forum. I'm 24, still pretty young, happy I'm starting this now. I moved to Los Angeles when I was 21 to get away from my family, and all the abuse I had endured throughout my life at their hands. I learned quickly that leaving home and my family behind didn't erase the pain that I still felt inside, and being in a city like Los Angeles, and modeling, all the tools I needed to destroy myself were happily provided; always readily available, always "free for me". It got to the point that I couldn't keep a job, I was drinking myself to death in my apartment, alone.

Over those three years, my family and I's relationship grew stronger, the distance helped us maintain healthy boundaries, and they always answered my calls and forgave me when I would have a bender and leave them messages, telling them how hurt and broken I am. It finally got to the point that I knew that if I stayed in LA, I was going to die.

My older sister, who physically and emotionally abused me our entire life (I don't entirely fault her for that because she was a child and was hurt as well, with no adults to hold her back from abusing me however she pleased.... she once fucked up my face pretty bad and my mother just said "I wish she didn't fuck up your face....a pretty girl can't have scars on her face"), well, she and I became close while I was gone. She became my rock, my support system, the person I'd always call. She convinced me to move back so that she could take care of me, and at the distance I was at, it really seemed like she had made improvements on her own life. Turns out she masked it very well, is still significantly suffering, and perhaps just liked to hear about how worse off I currently was than she.

I moved back home two weeks ago, and have been living with her. She's since used me 24/7 as her personal assistant, babysitter, had me help her with her business with virtually no pay, and left me no time at all to actually address these deep seeded issues that caused me to leave my true home...Los Angeles. Her boss groped me at a holiday party, and she took his side, and told me I aggravated the situation. She kicked me out, fired me, and now I'm living with my parents....my dad is codependent on relationships, and prefers women with alcoholism or addiction issues, so now I'm living with him and my alcoholic stepmother. As someone who has struggled with alcohol, this is hard. I moved away to move on, and soar into my future. Now I'm back, wings feeling more broken than ever, but I know that there is no roof above my head. I want so badly to soar up there...

I know, due to my own amazing friendships and relationships with exboyfriends, and my family's lack of healthy relationships with anyone, that I am different and am reflecting on myself in a way that they haven't and perhaps never will.... but I'd be remiss to think that I don't have toxic behavioural traits that set me back as well, due to the petri-dish of toxicity and pain that I've been soaking in for the first half of my life, and to be fair, at no fault of my own, as a helpless child.

It's hard to take accountability for my actions with people who are toxic and take no responsibility for their own behaviour, without being overly hard on myself. The lines get so blurred... was this my fault? Do I deserve this? The only person I can control is myself, but when you have people telling you that you're evil, and terrible...it's hard to discern what is true and what are lies, making self reflection very hard.

I'm stuck home for a while now, and now I have to deal with this head on. I know I won't ever get what I need or want from them, but I hope being here will help me to at least accept that this is the way they are, and not the way I have to be anymore.

Thank you for reading.

[Starboard Song]

Welcome to Out of the FOG. One of the dangers of a diagnosis is that we confuse "having" a personality disorder with the certainty of having say, cancer. We sometimes try too hard to assign or deny blame.

You clearly have some real behavioral problems: substance abuse, for instance,  is a problem. And these problems are partly earned through intergenerational toxicity. But beyond that, talk of what you caused and what you deserve is unhelpful.

Today is Day 1. And beginning today what you deserve is a space in which to thrive. It does not look like your father's home is such a space. And your sister doesn't sound like a source of stability and peace either. So you have some hard choices and work ahead of you.

I'd suggest committing yourself -- right this moment -- to building your family of choice. Two to five people whom you trust, whom you can and will trust, are a boon. One or two of them can help you with these hard choices:  making the choices and believing in yourself.

So much good fortune is wished for you. Stability begins with stable things: a job, a room, and a friend. Go get them: one,  two, three. They are good things and you deserve them.

Be good. Be strong.

[junebuggie]

Welcome to Out of the FOG. One of the dangers of a diagnosis is that we confuse "having" a personality disorder with the certainty of having say, cancer. We sometimes try too hard to assign or deny blame.

You clearly have some real behavioral problems: substance abuse, for instance,  is a problem. And these problems are partly earned through intergenerational toxicity. But beyond that, talk of what you caused and what you deserve is unhelpful.

Today is Day 1. And beginning today what you deserve is a space in which to thrive. It does not look like your father's home is such a space. And your sister doesn't sound like a source of stability and peace either. So you have some hard choices and work ahead of you.

I'd suggest committing yourself -- right this moment -- to building your family of choice. Two to five people whom you trust, whom you can and will trust, are a boon. One or two of them can help you with these hard choices:  making the choices and believing in yourself.

So much good fortune is wished for you. Stability begins with stable things: a job, a room, and a friend. Go get them: one,  two, three. They are good things and you deserve them.

Be good. Be strong.

I'm not sure how to reply to threads, but thank you for that, I think you're totally right

[BeautifulCrazy]

Junebuggie,
Hello!!
Welcome!!
I wanted you to know I read your post and I feel for you.
I like your title. It is something I have felt a lot about my chosen relationship lately and I just know there are lots of others here who can relate very strongly too.

I can tell by your well written and insightful post that you have a lot going for you!! You are already doing so well and showing so much strength and resilience!!
I'm looking forward to reading about your progress.

~BC

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello and welcome,

Your last paragraph is very wise.

It is a process that takes time and the more support you can find, the more you will develop, and feel more and more free from their toxicity. You cannot save them nor can you change them.

Support comes from different places at different times. During many times for me, support came in the form of information that helped me understand that I am not crazy for wanting to get away from PD family members. Books and videos were helpful.

Trees

[FogDawg]

Greetings, junebuggie. There is really not much to say that the others haven't, but know that you are in good company here. Best of luck on your journey to healing.