NPD Mother and Family Friend's Passing

[LoverofPeace]

My NPD mother's longtime family friend recently passed away. While my sisters and I knew this sweet woman and her daughter (only a few years older than me) since we were practically born, and I went to the wedding of her second husband like 25 years ago, I haven't been in touch with them since even though my mother has; and in true NPD fashion, it's been more off than on partly because this woman moved to another state. Though they remained friends, that is something not convenient for my mother who hates traveling and sleeping at other people's homes--even her own family's, thank God.

The problem is that now I have been VLC with her and a very violent sister who you never know when she is going to go from 0-100 (as we know, another NPD trait), my mother will text me from time to time (while I either don't respond back, or grey rock my reply) and couldn't seem to wait to tell me about the friend's passing to get me to come around. I just texted back I was sorry to hear that and to tell the family for me that I send my condolences.

A few days later, she texts she is waiting for information where to send the condolences and to 'do the right thing' and she is expecting me to send a card. This turned me off, especially because all she had to do was pass the information on without her expectations. But even more importantly, it triggered me that years ago when I was only 27, I lost a best friend in a car accident and because I was upset with her, I wouldn't speak to her and didn't find out until a year later.

When I went to my mother crying about it, she callously said, to paraphrase, 'You weren't speaking to her anyway!'

It's not that I don't care like she didn't for my friend, as I said a private prayer for this friend of hers, who had been sweet to me. It's that with my mother involved, I obviously don't want to go through this every time something happens during my VLC with her.

And now she texts me last night that the condolences should be posted to this woman's Facebook page--something I can't stand using, by the way. Plus, I feel it's more tests by her anyway.

How would you wonderful people handle this?

Thanks.    (trying not to feel this way again).

[moglow]

[Not so] similiar situation occurring right now in my life - last week a former teacher of mine passed. I was good friends with her sons and have kept in touch with them over the years. This teacher protected and stood up for me at a time I very much needed someone to be there, one of few people who did. I found out years later that she saw the bruises and did what she could to get me through. My mother had no clue that anyone "knew," and to the best of my knowledge mother had little to no contact with this teacher then, now or any time in between.

Anyhoo, this teacher passed and suddenly I got a text from mother, asking if I wanted her to add my name to flowers. Wait. You're sending flowers??? And adding my name to the flowers, why? I'm a big girl and can send my own flowers if I choose. I don't need her permission or help. But thanks for letting me know [I already knew but i digress.]

My point - your mother's expectations have not one thing to do with you. You might respond to future attempts with "thank you for letting me know," if that. You don't owe her an explanation for anything she expects of you. That's ALL on her.

[LoverofPeace]

O-M-G about your teacher passing (may she rest in peace) and your mother taking over in sending flowers, and then asking if you wanted your name on it, even though she didn't know her! This is typical controlling, narc bizarre behavior! And we get caught off guard as to how to respond, especially when it's such a sweet person who's passed. In fact, how did you respond to her, if I may ask?

Thank you for the words of encouragement with my own twilight zone issues. I got the message, and it makes me feel much better. 

To think I was about to make one of my VLC calls before she popped up. Just for her to proceed to tell me to 'do the right thing' when she had that from me so many years, whilst I was robbed of that too many times; how she responded about my best friend's passing is just one sickening example. 

I'm praying for us, homegirl. It's all gonna work out, by the grace of God. 🙏

[PeanutButter]

Do exactly what you know is the right thing FOR YOU. Do not IMO worry about your M's expectations. Thats her stuff. Thats her trying to use this friend's death to enmesh with you. IME PDs do even use other's death to manipulate and even try to make it all about them in usual fashion. I would be ready for backlash when "you've hurt her so badly" for not performing for her on facebook. IGNORE it all. IMO none of this contact, or requests of you have anything to really do with her grieving her friend.

[LoverofPeace]

Thank you, Peanut butter. That's exactly it; the fact, not just feeling, that this is not even about her grieving. You can tell by how she keeps expecting me to reach out to a family I haven't even talked to in more than 25 years! So, why is she continuing to stress me out, even though I already asked her to send my condolences to them?

I know why. It's because she and that narc sis are sickengly, STRONGLY tied to their social lives. This is where they have relied so hard to receiving social supply ( now that I have answers on what that was) over the years, that they actually expect me to jump in to make them look good. The daughter didn't reply on Facebook?!! Oh, no!! 

With that facetiously said, she texted a pic of her and her friend to me and another person--probably the narc sis (I ain't looking to see) that she knows damn well I don't have anything to do with nowadays. As you said: all her stuff, not mine.

Thanks! 🤗

P.S. My pretty boy dog's name is Peanutbutter. He has passed onto heaven, but will always be my heart. ❤️ He truly was a gorgeous and great kid! 🐶

[Blueberry Pancakes]

It seems this might be an example of a parent with NPD taking the occasion of the passing of friends or family to hoover and exert control. The occasion turns into what they need. The suggestion to post to FB, the fact that your mother is the common point of contact between the parties, the fact that your NPD sister is in the mix are all things that you do not need to respond to or get involved with. You are VLC, and I would not use one of the punches in my card for this occasion.   
     
I do not believe anyone can lay out "the right thing". Actually, I believe there are likely many right things you could do if you wanted to offer condolences. You already said a prayer for this woman, that is great. If you wanted to send a card or message to her daughter who you knew as a child, that would be alright as well. I believe the right thing to do is what makes you feel good at this time. If you do nothing further, I believe that is OK too. You are not beholden to follow your mother's idea of the right thing.     
   
My mother used the "do the right thing" line on me when her good friend died a couple years ago. Like you, I had not seen her or the daughter in many years. I had travel plans with my husband during the funeral, which my mother wanted me to cancel. I kept my plans and did not go to the funeral. My mother later told me I was "forgiven" (ugh), but I called the daughter a few weeks later to offer condolences and we had a nice chat. For me, that was the right thing and I am good with it.

[LoverofPeace]

It seems this might be an example of a parent with NPD taking the occasion of the passing of friends or family to hoover and exert control. The occasion turns into what they need. The suggestion to post to FB, the fact that your mother is the common point of contact between the parties, the fact that your NPD sister is in the mix are all things that you do not need to respond to or get involved with. You are VLC, and I would not use one of the punches in my card for this occasion.   

Hi Blueberry Pancakes (just love that screenname! 🥞💕),

I wanted to reply to you before and hope you see this, but I agree wholeheartedly with your whole statement, especially the above. This is exactly how I feel!

Thank you, because I feel better that you and others are seeing it the same way; because it's not like me to not answer back for something like this. But I feel like I can't keep backing away from the NPD table, just have to keep pulling back up to it every time a life event occurs. I was already in too much contact with them lately, with the holidays (only by phone this time, after many years of disrespectful get-togethers) and a cousin passing whom my Nmother also couldn't wait to tell me the "news". Because she never even said a good word about this sweet cousin and NEVER spoke to her before (seems like it was jealously for no good reason on my mother's part). But though we hadn't gotten together in years, I love this cousin and family, so that time, I thanked my mother for telling me  and them being in another state, called and sent them a lovely bouquet of flowers.

I actually texted my mother back to send the family condolences when she first texted me about her friend, but when I looked at it later, my phone said the message wasn't sent. Oh, great! Now I am holding on to it for proof just in case. How sad is that?   

This is why I need to stay away more. Though I've made good progress, I see I am not all the way healthy thinking when it comes to her and the Nsis yet.   

[PeanutButter]

Though I've made good progress, I see I am not all the way healthy thinking when it comes to her and the Nsis yet.   

Its so hard. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be totally rid of it (the 'training' is what I call it). Some days its seems clearer, more certian. Some days I revert back a little and then a little more. I told my husband just yesterday that it is all so deeply a part of me. My hole belief system was based on all false ideas that promoted self sabotaging emotions IME.

[Fuzzydog]

Oh, PeanutButter. I feel for you. And me. And all of us who feel we will never be all the way free. I was 61 five years ago when I went NC from Nmom and NSis.  They still live in my consciousness and affect me.
Things are better, but I regret constantly that I didn't go NC a much longer time ago, to be younger and more resilient when I took such steps.

[LoverofPeace]

Agreed Peanutbutter and Fuzzydog (another cute screen name!  ).

I actually keep waking up in the morning thinking I'd better call soon or there'll be trouble...and I'm 54!