confused and overwhelmed - do I resume NC

[Bellie]

I thought I was ready for NC. In fact I have been NC for 3 years from my Nmum and things were fine, I thought. But now she is getting divorced and I am worried about her. At least when we were NC she had her husband. She wasn't completely alone. Now though, I find myself reverting back to being her care giver - it was my responsibility to look after feelings. Finding myself suddenly back there after 3 years of space and peace is completely overwhelming and I don't know where to start. I am finding myself more and more angry than I have been in 3 years. I blow up in a matter of seconds (I will be looking into PTSD as mentioned in a previous post). I can't concentrate and I feel tired all the time. It's like I am back at square one and I don't know how to get out. I am grieving again too. I am wishing things could be different, (I had got to a stage of acceptance before she re-entered my life) I am finding it all terribly terribly hard. I go to my T and feel better but after a few days I get sucked back into the black hole. It's not like she has been nice to me either! She has only phoned me up to ranted and yell at me for not being there for her, she has forbidden me from speaking to my step father. It's not been nice and yet I can't stop worrying about her!!
But my biggest concern id for my family. I don't like them seeing me like this. I am sure it has affected my darling children. I I just don't know what to do? Help her with the divorce and then resume NC? Or ... leave her when she is having a hard time (in her words "The worst time of my life. And you, my only daughter, the only person in my family who is not there for me")  and I don't know if I can do that, and yet if I don't ... 

[Andeza]

My personal advice: run.

She is trying to foist all her anger and bad feelings onto you because she never learned how to cope. But you can't fix this, you really, honestly can't help her either. She will use you up, until you've got nothing left, all in her own self interest. You have to take care of yourself and your FOC first. What your M is trying to do is make you tender back to the dutiful child and take care of her. She has become a travel agent for guilt trips!

Walking away is acceptable for self preservation. And I feel entirely necessary in this case. You are not obligated to waste your energy and life trying to fix whatever she demands you to fix when your efforts will never be good enough to her. Remember, her failed relationship is merely the product of her own actions.

Good luck, take care of yourself!

[PeanutButter]

I want to 'gently' suggest that from what you told us so far it doesnt sound like you are being able to 'help' her despite trying. It sounds to me like your presence and contact with her may be as distressing to her as it is to you.
It is at best enabling her abusive behavior and modeling that to your children.
The most important obligation you have IME is to yourself and your family of choice.
Your childhood was sacrificed to your M's disorder, you had know control over that and you cant undo that. But please reconsider sacrifising your childrens childhood to her disorder also now. Because in the state you have described you are in, can you be the mother your children deserve?
I suggest looking deeply within to find the reasons you are doing this.
Peace.

[FogDawg]

Walking away is acceptable for self preservation. And I feel entirely necessary in this case. You are not obligated to waste your energy and life trying to fix whatever she demands you to fix when your efforts will never be good enough to her. Remember, her failed relationship is merely the product of her own actions.

I am in complete agreement with this advice. Emotional vampires are not worth the time or effort and your current, chosen family should take precedence. Do not buy into the guilt-tripping, especially at the expense of your children. We all, unfortunately, spend time wishing that things could be different, yet it is impossible when nothing ever changes.

[freedom77]

I echo the sound advice from all above.
You cannot fix her problems.

Instead she will make her problems your problems...
and consequently, and deliberately, drain the life out of you.

She is using this situation of hers as a surefire way to hoover you back in.

In my part of the world the divorce rate is 50%. She will be okay.

I would advise do nothing, don't contact, just continue living your peaceful life like you have for three years.
She's an adult, you're an adult. Adults figure things out on their own.

Make like Forrest and run 

Don't get hoovered!! 

[blues_cruise]

It sounds like the ultimate opportunity for her to indulge in self pity and further victimise you whilst creating drama and making herself the centre of attention. It shows a complete lack of any positive behavioural change in the three years that you haven't been in contact.

(in her words "The worst time of my life. And you, my only daughter, the only person in my family who is not there for me")

So ultimately she isn't completely alone. She's an adult woman and should be taking responsiblity for her own relationships. Why should her personal crisis mean that you should go running back for more ranting and yelling from her? Why would anyone willingly go back to that? I think from the sound of it she wants you back in your old role so that she can use and belittle you. It's completely self-centred on her part and she's certainly not showing the true desire for a mature and loving reconciliation that you deserve.

My advice would be to step back and spend time with your family of choice, plus plenty of self care. You can feel sorry for your mother from afar without having to act on the thoughts and feelings that you're experiencing. Sometimes not doing anything can ultimately be the healthiest thing you can do.

[Psuedonym]

Hi Bellie,

I agree with everything everybody else has wisely said, with the addition of this: I don't think your M wants you to 'help' with the divorce. She's lost her person she mostly likely vented/raged at, and she needs a new one. (Or rather her old one.) That's really what PDs are looking for, someone to absorb all their toxic garbage, because it makes them feel better to unload on somebody. They're loathe to show their true selves to just anybody, because friends or acquaintances would quickly walk away from that sort of behavior. They need someone who 'can't' get away: ie. a spouse or a child. The spouse has managed to get away so now 'tag, you're it!'

Do not be 'it'.

My M did exactly this after my enF died. I am now no contact because of it. The trap is to get sucked into this situation thinking it's temporary, because she's going through 'the worst time in her life'. In PD land it's always the worst time in their lives. I can't seem to write post without leaving a link to a Les Carter video, because he is full of wisdom. Here's one on PDs pulling the victim card: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gF_k-cuCC1g

Hang in there!