The Quest for Peace

Started by pipchick, January 22, 2020, 12:09:59 AM

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NumbLotus

 :bighug:

I'm so sorry you're having one of those 4am moments. It sounds like a lot to process and bear. I hope since you got it out you can let it rest till later in the morning. I hope you can sleep now. Dream about helpful, loving people. People who help each other and care.
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

pipchick

:hug:

You're so awesome, NumbLotus... thank you :)

NumbLotus

I hope you were able to sleep some.

I thought about your revelation. The door was not locked. And your mother had an expression in reaction to that which was not congruent with surprise or regret that she hadn't thought to try the knob herself.

So she had been there and she knew the door was unlocked. And then she got on a bus and got you.

Did she open the door and just call out? And then get a bad feeling and chicken out?

Did she go in?

I am thinking there is more than she just "couldn't be bothered." She got on a bus for 30 minutes to get you. Heck, she was there in the first place.

Did she want an audience to perform to?

I am trying to imagine any world in which I stumbled upon such a terrible, terrible scene, and I decided to subject my daughter for the rest of her life to those traumatic images. Instead of calling emergency right then and dealing with it, and of course calling my daughter in tears - but not showing it to her. Not fetching her. Not making something like this into a soap opera moment.
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

pipchick

Quote from: NumbLotus on January 25, 2020, 09:38:07 AM

Did she open the door and just call out? And then get a bad feeling and chicken out?


I think this. I don't think she went in since there were the family dogs running free. The back door was wide open for them.

As soon as I went in I saw and told her to stay  outside. After everything else had been done I deleted the berating messages from her on the answering machine so that she wasn't hurt by them after the fact.

I'm not sure what else she would have got out if it. Though as recently as the end of 2018 when an aunt died I walked into the funeral parlour to find her blatantly telling a group of strangers (not even family) all about my mental health problems. Of course I got the usual brush off when I said this made me feel bad and vulnerable.

I have to move on to the next bit and process this over time. I guess I can never really know for certain, but again it doesnt seem impossible or unthinkable now. Not at all.

Thank you NumbLotus

NumbLotus

That part about the berating messages on the machine, just wow.
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

pipchick

Update:

Second therapy session tomorrow. Letter writing tonight, ready to leave tuesday. I'll be sure to keep it short and to the point. I've spend some nights out without explaining exactly where I am, using a friend as cover. I have cold, and I'm back at the house. I was already not thrilled about sleeping on the settee, but then they came in and after seven minutes of cold ignorance I have decided this sham is just hurting me. So I'm going home.

Ok, gang...

Deep breaths...

All going to be okay.


pipchick

Update:

Tomorrow is the day. The piano teacher will help me with the piano, and I will pack up my pc.

Today I noted that the dog's leg is no better so I called the vet and tried to make an appointment. Nothing for tonight so I had to ask for wednesday. Only to find mum has made one for wednesday morning. So either this is part of a ahha!!! moment when she's going to implicitly claim (by taking time off work especially to take the dog to the vet): See! I do care about the dog and it's you who doesn't! Or else she has already decided what I'm doing wednesday morning without asking me.

I'm going for the former. She's probably planning to shame me by not even telling me where she is going, because she's waiting for me to break the silence between us so that she can say: We aren't ignoring you. You're ignoring us! Then cue a list of how nasty and horrible and mean I am. With the added bonus of: You don't even care about the dog! And it won't end as far as she's concerned until I accept that reality. It's... not happening. Not ever again.

Currently waiting for her to get in. I don't want to get engaged in anything tonight.

PeanutButter

Hi pipchick. Im so excited/nervous for you. You have done so much hard work. You have done it all on your own. Its all proof that you are more than capable to succeed.
I am soo deeply sorry for you for the loss of your d and b under those circumstsnces. Then for it to be made so much worse to finally realize the truth about what your M did to you that day using the terrible tragedy.
IME the specific details are less important than the intuition you feel about her behavior towards you.
It sounds unthinkable, yes, for a loving M.
But for you, KNOW that you should protect yourself.
I will be sending you good thoughts tomorrow.
Im kinda glad if she is stepping up on the dogs care. This way you dont have that worry.
:cheer: :cheer: :fireworks: :cheer: :cheer: :fireworks: :cheer: :cheer:


HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY PIPCHICK
       Wednesday January28th 2020
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

PeanutButter

Song I thought of
Martina Mcbride
"Let freedom ring, let the white dove sing
Let the whole world know that today
Is a day of reckoning.
Let the weak be strong, let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away, let the guilty pay
It's Independence Day."
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

NumbLotus

Tomorrow is the day!

Also, you have the upper hand with that vet appointment because you know about it. If you want, you can even call the office after the appointment. "My mom wasn't able to update me before she went to work, and I've just been concerned about Pooch. What did the exam find?" Then it can all be "yeah I know" and dismissiveness from you. (If that works). Of course, I'm not even clear on when or if you'll be speaking with her.

Yay, tomorrow! You got this!
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

pipchick

Thank you, PeanutButter and NumbLotus! :hug:

I've had a few of those horrible what if it's all me? thoughts over the course of this evening. I know it's nonsense, I know it's due to what I've internalised over the years, but they are inevitable in this process I think. They keep coming up. I hope they might diminish after tomorrow.

PeanutButter you are right! It means I can assume she is taking care of it. Thank you :wub:

Also, I have added that song to my list, and "borrowed" a load of political songs that really don't belong to me (sorry!) just the lyrics are really helpful. Something Inside, So Strong - Labi Siffre, State of Independence - Donna Summer, Gimme Hope Jo'anna - Eddy Grant

NumbLotus, I will do that... if I don't get to know any other way, then she can't be in control of the info.

I've decided to leave a short and to the point letter. There's no point going over anything, she doesn't want to hear it, and I don't want to say it just to be invalidated and walked over. In that letter I am going to say that not leaving my address is deliberate. I need a safe space for myself where I can't be disturbed. I will advise her she has my number. Then the ball is in her court.

Any kind of game playing/manipulation/shenanigans and I will just withdraw further. Any guilt tripping/threats over the dogs will result in zero contact and I will write additionally to explain that consequence if necessary. I don't want to put it in this letter, as I don't want to be aggressive. If she was the mother I deserved all along she would understand, she would support my decision for independence, and more, if I was wrong, she would forgive. Unfortunately, as I have said already today, I suspect her reaction is going to be along the lines of: How dare she?

It is what it is.

And I hope I'm not wrong, but it feels like there is a life out there, and it's a life of peace. Something I can't even imagine.

PeanutButter

ABSOLUTELY! You are NOT wrong! Good luck! You will be fine though.  :bighug:
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

NumbLotus

It's not you. Let's say for a second it's all you - your mother is great, you're just too sensitive, bla bla. You're an adult moving out. Your wonderful mother will be happy and supportive.

No?

Oh. Well, then. I think I've spotted the problem and it's not you.
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

Psuedonym

Nice one, NumbLotus! You're doing great, pipchick. :)

doglady

Great to hear you're moving out Pipchick. What a relief for you.

Moving out is a stressful enough process without all the extra toxicity emanating from your mother. No wonder you've also been coming down with an illness. Who wouldn't under the circumstances?

Based on everything you've said about your mother in this and your previous thread, you are definitely making the right decision. She sounds the absolute worst. To set it up so that you found your brother and your father is beyond reprehensible. Who wouldn't be severely traumatised by that? I hope therapy will continue to help you through this very difficult history.

I daresay there will be all sorts of eruptions from your mother, along with threats etc, and from some FM relatives too, once they realise what you've done. But you can weather this storm. You have the right to live in safety and peace. I look forward to updates about your escape from this prison. And I hope your dogs are doing ok.

WomanInterrupted

Good luck to you and know that I'm thinking of you!   :bighug:

Please don't let your mom suck you in about the dogs - SHE is the one who is supposed to be caring for them, not you.  If she asks/tells you to change what you're doing so you HAVE to take the dog to the vet Wednesday morning, I'd stick with a very calm, Medium Chill, "I can't do that." - and REFUSE to JADE.

If *really* pushed beyond the point of reason and she won't let you leave without telling her why, remain CALM and say:

1.  You have a deadline at work and can't miss it.  :ninja:

2.  You have a job interview you can't miss.  :ninja:

3.  You have a doctor appointment for your cold and you can't be late.  :ninja:

4.  Anything else that is boring but plausible and believable.  :ninja:

You also have another alternative - if she's being hostile and combative and won't let you leave, get to a safe space (the bathroom, perhaps - or your room) and call the police.  Tell them you're an adult and your mother won't let you leave.  :ninja: :ninja: :thumbup: :police:

After that, it should be NO surprise to her that you moved out!  :bigwink:

BTW - your note.  Short and sweet is best.  Mine said, "I moved out.  I'll call you in a few weeks when I'm ready to talk."   :ninja:

Mind you, that was back in 1983, so if you think she's going to blow up your phone, you might want to consider blocking her number for the duration of your few-weeks' cool-down period.

You might like the silence so much you don't unblock her.  8-)

You'd mentioned before all the ways she could try to make you feel bad or guilty for moving out, or all the ways she could hurt you with words.

There's another way that wasn't discussed and I want to bring it up because it's unbelievably cruel and cold - you call them and they act FINE!  All they really want to talk about is their new storage room/workout room/sewing room, etc - which was *your bedroom!*   :wacko:

That's how Didi and Ray acted - I barely got a word in while they gushed about their new storage room and all the places they were going now that I wasn't cooking dinner for them (read:  holding them back and tethering them to home).  :stars:

I was sorry I called, truth be told, and I barely talked to them for months.  I wish it had stayed that was and I'd been smart enough to know - or at least, had been armed with the proper tools, so I'd know to NEVER let these people in our lives again!

You ARE armed with the proper tools and CAN make the smartest decisions for yourself!  :yes:

Personally, I think she'll be more ignoring due to the bf sitch, but pile on a little guilt about *dogs she has chosen to own.*

And I think you probably won't hear much from her until the bubble bursts, she paints the bf  the blackest shade of black and *that's* when she's probably going to start bombarding you with endless calls and texts. 

Right now, she's got something else to occupy her - it's when that person is gone that things can *really* go bat-shit cray-cray!

But you don't have to listen to or put up with a word of it, when the time comes!  :ninja:

:hug:

pipchick

lol, you are right NumbLotus - there is logic. :)

Thank you, PeanutButter and Psuedonym :hug:

Thank you, doglady: the support from this forum is just amazing in such a difficult time. As to how she will react, I still don't really know for sure. She is extremely vindictive and spiteful, so I guess we will see. Whatever happens, the least likely is the tears and begging. That's not how she operates.

WomanInterrupted: I am leaving today while she is out at work, so I don't foresee any issues. I think you may be right, though about the ignorance. My mother is likely to do the thing most calculated to hurt. I won't be calling her. I think you are spot on about her having someone else to occupy her, but here's the thing. That can't last. She's used to getting fear. She's used to hurting me. Nothing personal, I'm sure. It's like it's her drug of choice. So sooner or later... a week, a month... she's going to turn that evil on someone else. She'll have to. She can't survive without it.

I am just glad it won't be me. I have a lot of healing to do now. I also have a few things to work on about me so that I'm not acting like her, which is horrible but it has to be faced. I've learnt bad habits in personal relationships, but I can unlearn them.

Honestly, and this is something I talked about in therapy, I really see this as ending very quickly in no contact. When/if she does contact me, she won't be able to help herself trying to get guilt and fear out of me. And as soon as she does that, I'm going to explain the consequence, which will be no contact. The chances of her being able to maintain any kind of low contact relationship with me where she isn't trying to score points and/or project etc is, sadly, zero.  :(

At this point I am committed. If the choice was letting her hurt me or certain death. I choose death. But it's not death. I think it's actually going to be okay.

pipchick

Ipdate:

I've said goodbye to the dogs, taken my last taxi full of stuff and have left the letter and posted the key. It's done now.

I'm in my new place... surrounded by stuff. What I want most of all right now is sleep.

FromTheSwamp


PeanutButter

What a relief! Im soooo glad your safe! Now you can relax to take care of you. IME there may be a period of blue now that the big change is done. You are and have finally stood up for your inner child to protect her. Dont forget. Be the mother you never had to yourself. ENJOY! BECAUSE YOU ARE WORTHY!
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle