Father's "name" only goes on through son's son?

Tynsel · January 23, 2020, 10:41:50 AM

I am the scapegoat adult daughter of a narc father. For many reasons 10 years ago my oldest son legally changed his last name from his father's name to my last name - now sharing a name with my father. (hope that was clear )
In a recent discussion my father stated that he only had one grandson to "carry his name " forward. That of his GC son's son -I reminded him that my son also carries his name forward. He -lost- his - mind. When I tried to calm the situation by suggesting that he was considering the patriarchal line only, it got worse.
My question is - does my son carry his name forward ? Is my father's thinking just old fashioned ? How does this carry the name forward thing work - is it usually just through the male line ?
The end result will be that he will continue to think only one grandson carries his name forward but I'm just curious for my own thoughts / satisfaction on the matter. Thanks

NumbLotus · January 23, 2020, 11:15:40 AM

"Old fashioned" isn't what is going on at all.

Also, this name thing isn't a problem. It's a symptom.

p123 · January 23, 2020, 11:27:01 AM

When we got married wife wanted to keep her name. Fine by me. So she double-barrelled it. Thinks shes a bit posh but, at the end of the day, up to her.
So we had kids and they took the double-barrelled name. So what.....

Never told Dad this at the time - knew what he was like.

Can't remember how it came up but it came out. Jeez - talk about tactless. He spouted on about them "not being my kids if they didn't have the right name" and "that's the way it is with names and these women think they can change it".

I just remember looking at him and thinking "I don't even care what you think any more"

NumbLotus · January 23, 2020, 11:36:08 AM

p123, would you agree that the problem is not that your father is old fashioned?

Might you agree that the only problem, in fact, is your dad?

I had a stepfather in law. He was born in 1923. He had only a daughter. His daughter had three daughters. He loved every one of them and they were all the lights of his life, as shown by words and actions. If it ever crossed his mind for half a second that his name would not be carried on, we will never kniw because he spent no effort communicating this idea in any way whatsoever. He is gone now but his memory lives on with a family who remembers him with such affection.

p123 · January 23, 2020, 12:09:50 PM

Quote from: NumbLotus on January 23, 2020, 11:36:08 AM
p123, would you agree that the problem is not that your father is old fashioned?

Might you agree that the only problem, in fact, is your dad?

I had a stepfather in law. He was born in 1923. He had only a daughter. His daughter had three daughters. He loved every one of them and they were all the lights of his life, as shown by words and actions. If it ever crossed his mind for half a second that his name would not be carried on, we will never kniw because he spent no effort communicating this idea in any way whatsoever. He is gone now but his memory lives on with a family who remembers him with such affection.

Of course- Dad is the problem. He has an opinion and thats it. Of course 99.9% of the time his opinion is bigoted or old-fashioned too.

Andeza · January 23, 2020, 12:14:40 PM

Hmm, interesting. While historically it is true that names were carried on through the male line, and there was always the matter of succession, survival of the family name, and a certain bias that you had to have sons, blah blah blah dated nonsense... The truth is, once a name is legally changed, it's changed. Your son, Tynsel, will carry on your father's name, whether your father likes it or not.

Most nonpd grandfathers would be flattered, maybe a bit proud even. But herein the true problem is exposed with your father. He only seems to care about the GCs legacy.

Our disordered parents are unable to accept that things can be different. They are 100% certain that their view of the world is the right one, and that everybody that says different is wrong.

Personally, I wouldn't have spent effort trying to calm things down. I would have walked out.

Tynsel · January 23, 2020, 02:33:42 PM

Thank you everyone. It gets difficult to remain objective sometimes. Also I have a tendency to wear rose- colored glasses and can get stuck trying to find the best in everyone , I forget that some people dont have much good.
I expect everyone to behave like I would - and of course they don't , yet I constantly remain surprised at that ? I really appreciate your opinions.

nanotech · January 23, 2020, 06:12:05 PM

Quote from: Tynsel on January 23, 2020, 02:33:42 PM
Thank you everyone. It gets difficult to remain objective sometimes. Also I have a tendency to wear rose- colored glasses and can get stuck trying to find the best in everyone , I forget that some people dont have much good.
I expect everyone to behave like I would - and of course they don't , yet I constantly remain surprised at that ? I really appreciate your opinions.

Tynsel, this is exactly my problem. I think we were brought up to be 'fixers' and to calm/ soothe those PDs who will have their tantrums about nothing.
I'm amazed your dad isn't happy about your son carrying on his name. It's lovely.
It could possibly have been a lot different if he hadn't had a son, and no one was carrying it on. He may well have thought it was great.
It just shows how they divide up our entitlements in their head. Maybe it his view your son was meant to go cap -in -hand and ask permission, and not just assume he has the right to it?
Yet it is his! And it is, after all, YOUR name too- the one you were born with. The one you have a right to pass on if you want to.

Or was it only lent to you as an ownership tag, until a man claimed you and renamed you? Ugh!

Spring Butterfly · January 24, 2020, 12:41:33 PM

Methinks the royal name be carried forward by any male heir.

moglow · January 24, 2020, 02:26:36 PM

And in days of yore when there was no male heir, it wasn't unheard of to marry off a daughter with the proviso that her husband take the family name. Blood is blood, whichever side it comes from. Plus ...

QuoteWhile historically it is true that names were carried on through the male line, and there was always the matter of succession, survival of the family name, and a certain bias that you had to have sons, blah blah blah dated nonsense... The truth is, once a name is legally changed, it's changed. Your son, Tynsel, will carry on your father's name, whether your father likes it or not.

And daddy dearest doesn't have to like it. 😉

Honestly, that sounds like someone picking a fight and believe me, one who does that will *always* find or invent one in their own mind. Mommie dearest is a master at dredging up the most ancient and obscure bs when she wants a good mad. Seriously, I mean pulling old gossip out her butt that may or may not have been said/done to justify her mood of the moment. Try and address it directly, and it never happened. That's not what she said. I'm "imagining things." I blew it pit of proportion etc. Etc. She may truly not remember all the details - not my stuff.

What I'm saying is, some battles aren't worth your time or energy. He is who he is, don't let him drag you down and beat you with it.