Harder to handle when ill yourself

[GentleSoul]

I have got the little flu-like bug that everyone around here seems to have at present. 

Boy, has it made it feel harder to Grey Rock uPD husband.  Also it feels to me that he homes in on me being weaker than usual and plays on it. 

I think it falls in wiith the HALT tool we use.  When below par, everything including PD's are far harder to deal with. 

So I am looking after myself with even more self care than usual. 

Best wishes to all.

[clara]

Whenever I was ill around my uNPDexh, he got a whole lot worse since I wasn't available to give him the attention he needed.  He had zero respect or concern for how I felt, but would instead hone in on my weakness and deliberately try to annoy me.  He'd do things like "check on" me every 15 minutes or so, asking wasn't I feeling better by now, apparently thinking if he kept at me for long enough I'd get over being sick and get back to being his servant.  He'd brag about how when he was sick, he didn't lie around in bed doing nothing (a lie since he was never just garden variety "sick" but at death's door and possibly needing to get to the hospital) or make comments trying to make me feel bad for...feeling bad.  He'd go through his bad of tricks, and then go back to ignoring me which was business as usual in our relationship.  I would often pretend not to be as sick as I felt just to not have to deal with him. 

[GentleSoul]

Whenever I was ill around my uNPDexh, he got a whole lot worse since I wasn't available to give him the attention he needed.  He had zero respect or concern for how I felt, but would instead hone in on my weakness and deliberately try to annoy me.  He'd do things like "check on" me every 15 minutes or so, asking wasn't I feeling better by now, apparently thinking if he kept at me for long enough I'd get over being sick and get back to being his servant.  He'd brag about how when he was sick, he didn't lie around in bed doing nothing (a lie since he was never just garden variety "sick" but at death's door and possibly needing to get to the hospital) or make comments trying to make me feel bad for...feeling bad.  He'd go through his bad of tricks, and then go back to ignoring me which was business as usual in our relationship.  I would often pretend not to be as sick as I felt just to not have to deal with him.

Thanks for sharing, I am sorry you have this rubbish to tolerate, Clara.  I think you nailed it in your statement about us not being available to give them the attention they need.  As always, it is all about them.

My friend was saying he thinks they have an in built radar for weakness, like animals in the wild will sense the weakest in a herd and chase that one down as prey to eat.

Take care.

[losingmyself]

Feel better soon, gentlesoul!

[GentleSoul]

Feel better soon, gentlesoul!

Thank you, Losing Myself, that is very kind of you.

[CagedBirdSinging]

Hope you're feeling better soon, gentlesoul! I can absolutely relate. My dPDh is unbearable when I'm sick. I think you're right, it's because they are not getting attention. When I was pregnant he was always trying to pull stunts to get attention. 

Last time I was sick, his first comment was oh no I'll probably catch it! 

Take care x

[GentleSoul]

Hope you're feeling better soon, gentlesoul! I can absolutely relate. My dPDh is unbearable when I'm sick. I think you're right, it's because they are not getting attention. When I was pregnant he was always trying to pull stunts to get attention. 

Last time I was sick, his first comment was oh no I'll probably catch it! 

Take care x

Thank you for your thoughtfulness.

I am much better today, thanks.  LOL, I think we are married to the same man!    Oh yes, pulling stunts to get attention   

I am at the point where I almost get pleasure from blatantly ignoring the stunts.  I see him looking at me waiting for me to respond.  I see it out of corner of my eye as I am very carefully looking in the opposite direction.

Oh the attention seeking games -  breaking wind very loudly to get a reaction!  Leaving toilet door open and passing water very loudly.  Knocking things over a lot, spilling his food all over the floor.  Shaking salt over his food and the top mysteriously comes off burying his food in a mountain of salt.   Strangely it never happens to me the odd time I have a little shake of salt on my eggs.   

I live with insanity!   I am giggling as I type.  You could not make this stuff up.  I may have to wrote a Guide to Attention Seeking!  I am sure it would be a best seller on the PD's reading list.  Although actually maybe not, they all seem to know all this stuff already..   

[SparkStillLit]

OMG the salt! The top never comes off, but he seems to manage to salt the entire countertop, wtf!!!!!
I season the food all the time and salt does not go everywhere like that!!
Same with crumbs and every kind of mess.

[GentleSoul]

OMG the salt! The top never comes off, but he seems to manage to salt the entire countertop, wtf!!!!!
I season the food all the time and salt does not go everywhere like that!!
Same with crumbs and every kind of mess.

Goodness, yes.  I hear you.  I think making a mess is just all part of the "look at me, look at meeeee" thing they have going on.

LOL, years ago I made the mistake of buying a fancy salt and pepper grinder.  You know the sort where you grind the top.  Well the carpet around the dining table was crunchie with so much salt and pepper on it!  I gave the grinders away.   

Another one is toast crumbs in the butter!  Arghhhh,  I can't bear it.  I swapped myself to a low fat version that is different to the full fat sort that hubby has.  I am into fitness and healthy eating anyway so it killed two birds with one stone.

[CagedBirdSinging]

Yes I get it about the messiness. I'd never thought about that as attention seeking before, I figured it was just sheer lack of consideration. But yeah you could be onto something.

When I mentioned stunts I was actually referring to suicide threats and fake panic attacks which landed him in ER but mysteriously stopped as soon as I left the room... all while I was heavily pregnant. Other times when I have been sick there have been similar performances. I think at this point I'd settle for the salt lol..  not knocking it though, that sure sounds very annoying. All those little things can certainly add up.

On the topic of messiness, does anyone here find that your pd has a need to take over every single space in the house with their stuff? My side of the bedroom is a dumping ground for his clothes, the sitting room has been covered with photos of his dead relatives who he can't even name, the study is festooned with his memorabilia... it's like a dog marking out territory! Piles of his crap on dining room table, hallway, everywhere really. So the mess is possibly a control thing too?

Hope you're feeling better gs. Very cold where I am. Keep warm!!

[Lauren17]

Gentle soul, I'm sorry to hear you have a bug. I hope it's mild.
I had one a couple of weeks ago. Of course, DH jumped on the opportunity. I mentioned  an upcoming event I was looking forward to and he instantly starting mocking me, complete with bitchy sounding falsetto.  I lost my MC for the first time in months. I interrupted him, told him he was being mean, and got the "learn to take a joke" response. Oh the hurt! I'd forgotten how that feels.

CBS. The messiness! I never thought of marking territory before. That's an interesting theory.

[GentleSoul]

Yes I get it about the messiness. I'd never thought about that as attention seeking before, I figured it was just sheer lack of consideration. But yeah you could be onto something.

When I mentioned stunts I was actually referring to suicide threats and fake panic attacks which landed him in ER but mysteriously stopped as soon as I left the room... all while I was heavily pregnant. Other times when I have been sick there have been similar performances. I think at this point I'd settle for the salt lol..  not knocking it though, that sure sounds very annoying. All those little things can certainly add up.

On the topic of messiness, does anyone here find that your pd has a need to take over every single space in the house with their stuff? My side of the bedroom is a dumping ground for his clothes, the sitting room has been covered with photos of his dead relatives who he can't even name, the study is festooned with his memorabilia... it's like a dog marking out territory! Piles of his crap on dining room table, hallway, everywhere really. So the mess is possibly a control thing too?

Hope you're feeling better gs. Very cold where I am. Keep warm!!

Oh my, I so relate, my husband went through a few years of hoarding.  Filled every space in our home with "collectables" from Ebay aka bits of rubbish!  The smell, the mess. 

It was odd.  It started slowly and took over, sounds insane but I did not see it creep in.  Then one day it was like I suddenly looked and saw. It was everywhere.   Of course he was very defensive about it, lying, denying, that I was being unreasonable for minding about his erm, hobby.  No it was pure mental illness! 

The funny thing with him is that he loves clutter-free spaces and cleaning as much as I do.  We have been together 15 years and he had always been ultra tidy and clean, like myself.  My guess is that it was a fear based anxiety thing in him.   Darn annoying whatever it was! 

Anyways I found my strength and gradually got rid of it all.  I know it was his responsibility to do so but it was never going to happen.  Got the lot carted out and dumped.  We now have a beautiful, minimalist home with lovely space.   

I have put measures in place that prevent him from being able to ever hoard again.  I had to become the Money Police in our lives, not a role I wanted but actually I am very good at it.  I am retired now but my career was always in Accounts and Finances so I do enjoy it.   He tried to push against the finance boundaries (think in terms of wailing, red faced toddler) but I don't care and took no notice. 

My husband does the suicide threats rubbish, the "you would be better off if I am dead" rubbish.  Also does the "why don't you put me in a nursing home" rubbish too.     Pure bullying.    All attention seeking. 

In reality, if I wanted him in a nursing home, he would darn well be in one, whether it was something he wanted or not.   At present it suits ME that he is not.   Now he is so physically disabled and ill, he is far easier to have here.

Rather cold and rainy here. I live in England.    Sending kindness to you Caged Bird Singing.