Dealing with an adult sister with a personality disorder

[realitybaths]

Let me preface this by saying that the sibling I'm writing about is fantastic, brilliant, creative and talented and I love this person a ton. I just want to be her friend. She also is weighed down by what is becoming increasingly obvious to us all as some type of borderline personality disorder that seems to be getting more pronounced as she ages.

Things have never been quite "right" with this family member, but I think we have normalized her behavior for far too long. It has come to our attention recently that this beloved family member is nearly constantly engaged in fantastical/negative thinking about others, deeply paranoid at times, aggrieved about perceived slights, and prone to rages after these perceived slights. Drama gets created out of thin air. What is even more heartbreaking is that she is using her children as martyrs as well. Many of her reactions to stress or perceived slights borders on hysterical teenage behavior and rage. She is in her late 40s. She and her husband (with whom she has a very rocky marriage and who is also not mentally well at times) will constantly triangulate with other family member and have now convinced themselves that the rest of us are "against" them.  I think the constant drama is what is really getting to all of us.

We had a massive blow-up this summer after she insinuated out of thin air that my 13 year old daughter and her male cousin were on the verge of sexually abusing one-another when in fact they were just being fun-loving teenagers at a local lake and horsing around.  This stems from deeply paranoid and emotionally stunted thinking.

All these things continue to get worse and we fear any kind of intervention would actually lead to complete estrangement and her cutting herself off from most of the rest of us. Without her taking steps toward getting help this feels like the inevitable conclusion. It is heartbreaking.  She refuses help; for her marriage, her own emotional instability, her self-hatred, etc. Her kids continue to suffer. 

The "unconditional love" thing isn't working, and neither are my attempts to reach out in kindness, which I guess she sees as patronizing. It's a no-win situation.

Suggestions?

[LemonLime]

Reality, I'll be following this thread.  I have a situation nearly identical to you, but my sis has no kids.   I love her to pieces for the 95% of her that is intelligent and funny and creative and giving.  It's the 5% PD that has made me take a gigantic step back from her this past year.  We are middle-aged, and she has always been "it's me against the world", with rages that follow.  Ever since she was a kid.   We all put up with it, rolled our eyes at her behind her back because we didn't know WHAT to do.   Only problem is she never really outgrew the mild paranoia, the snarky and contemptuous comments, and the rages.  I thought I'd figured out a workaround that would last us the rest of our lives.....my plan was to avoid certain subjects, do medium chill when needed, and enjoy her the majority of the time when she was "well-behaved".   But she escalated last year and aimed it all at me.   Refuses to apologize.   I don't dare share my real concerns or suggestions with her.  I am absolutely sure she will let loose on me if I do.  And it has taken me a full year to recover from the tongue-lashing and email screeds that she sent me after her last rage, and when she realized I would not get hoovered back into her dysfunction.   I'm not willing to go there again.  Our family enabled her and indulged her for far too long.   We are very very conflict-avoidant. 
You are not alone.  I take a bit of comfort knowing that there are others out there who have otherwise wonderful siblings who have a PD.    I often think it would be a bit easier if she was always horrid....then I wouldn't miss the good times so much maybe.
I'm sorry you are here and I hope you can find some answers.  Whatever you do, take care of you!

[overitall]

Reality,

I have the same situation, yet I have had to go NC...she was fairly stable throughout her 20's, but in her 30's she really started becoming irrational.  I made a lot of excuses for her, yet I noticed she could not keep friends and seemed to hover between sadness and anger.  Her story was always the same, "so and so did this to me; so and so said this about me; so and so hurt me so I don't talk/see them anymore."  Even though she is very attractive, she began having difficulty keeping boyfriends...every boyfriend would last about two to three months and then they would break up with her and move on.  The recurring loss of boyfriends seems to have made her more paranoid and anxious.

I made a lot of excuses for her throughout the years...I really tried to help her because we both experienced such a traumatic childhood (uBPDm and uNPDf with a lot of abuse, including sexual)  I tried talking with her and suggesting she get into therapy, but she refused, stating she "fine".  In her 40's, she seemed to lose all control....her outbursts could occur at any time, anywhere, depending on whether she felt she was being "slighted" or not.  Every word spoken to her by others was analyzed, criticized, and acted upon.  A simple conversation could cause a major rage from her because she always chooses to believe others are against her.  When she let loose on one of my children in a very public place, that was it...my kids (all adults now) will not have anything to do with her....

After a period of NC (3-4 years) she contacted me and I gave her another chance...she was okay for a while, but I also kept my distance a bit to keep myself safe.  I asked her about the incident with my child and she does not remember any of it....I thought she was kidding, but she really does not remember her outbursts....It seems as if when she goes into these rages, she almost disassociates and literally has a blind rage...I've really don't know if there is a diagnosis for this, but it seems to be the most accurate description of what she does.

A few years ago, my oldest child decided to invite her to their wedding...I advised against it, but my child did it anyway...my sister flew into one of her rages at the reception and made a scene...my child was mortified and furious....yep, that was the end of any type of contact with her.  I cannot fix her and she refuses to acknowledge her behavior.  It is sad because we were very close growing up, but I just can't be around her anymore.  My advice is keep your distance, and if you have kids, keep them safely away from her.

[athene1399]

My sis just has fleas. She tries to act like she is my mother (mom is uPD). So she engages in the same behaviors towards me that M would do. I've recently decided to work on grey rock and not JADEing. She tries to get me to argue with her. I usually try to defend myself and recently decided not to.

For example, she lives with me and after not cleaning a thing for the past two years (aside from her bedroom), she's decided to clean the kitchen cupboards. Since she's done this, I keep hearing about (in an accusatory way) all the things she's thrown out that were expired that aren't hers. A lot of it is stuff I wouldn't buy. When sis finds deals at the store, she'll buy 10 of the same thing if she gets a good price. I only buy what I need that day and then use it. So I'm assuming the stuff was hers. But she was mentioning what she threw out, like she was trying to get me to say "wasn't mine" so she could argue. I just said. "okay." And she stared at me. Like she didn't know what to do . She's so used to me defending myself, she didn't know what to do.

When your sis seems paranoid, can you say something like "i'll keep an eye on it"? That way you are gently dismissing it without arguing. Like with the horsing around, I feel if you said "no they're not..." she'll try to prove how she's right. if you say something more neutral, it may help. And if she tries to suck you into the drama, do your best to stay neutral. And if you have to, limit the contact. try to stay away from topics that get her heated. Change the subject if you can.

I'm new to navigating this with my sis, but this is some of what I am trying out.  Not sure if any of this is helpful as I'm trying to figure it out too.

[EOU]

Hi—
First engagement for me— and I feel this in my bones.
And I want to follow for the feedback and solidarity.
This is very much a part of my life on the BEST days— right now we are in an a cute crisis manufacturing which I would not be engaged in if it weren't for the safety of my infant and toddler niece and nephew— so I'm trying to grey rock my sister and also be a bridge for the children and give them some momentary peace and soothing calm which is so lacking.
Just grateful for the amount of mental and emotional labor that you all give to each other and publicly acknowledge that it has helped me immensely over the last year since finding this site—
So—
Solidarity to all.
I'm currently trying to suss out whether my suspensions of some munchausen by proxy is manifesting is founded or not.

[LemonLime]

"After a period of NC (3-4 years) she contacted me and I gave her another chance...she was okay for a while, but I also kept my distance a bit to keep myself safe.  I asked her about the incident with my child and she does not remember any of it....I thought she was kidding, but she really does not remember her outbursts....It seems as if when she goes into these rages, she almost disassociates and literally has a blind rage...I've really don't know if there is a diagnosis for this, but it seems to be the most accurate description of what she does."

I do think they can dissociate.  At least I have read that borderlines can dissociate when they rage.  So possibly they don't remember.

[gardenglow]

Thank you for your words of wisdom.  I appreciate the matter of fact approach.