What's real/true to a pwPD

[eyesopen]

A recent thing I've discovered and am struggling to accept in my journey Out of the FOG has to do with what I can/cannot believe or trust of what my stbx uBPDw tells me.

It all boils down to "feelings make facts," but I'm only beginning to wrap my head around what that really means.

In my optimistic, believing my W was a good partner moments, I easily brushed aside the mean things she's say in anger.  Whenever she'd be in a really bad mood and say hurtful things, I'd think to myself, "Oh, she's just saying that because she's upset.  She doesn't seriously believe that. It's not the way she really feels."  Her mood would eventually pass and she'd return to her baseline/equilibrium state and I'd think, "This is who she really is.  She's not really a mean person, she just acts out in anger sometimes."

But what I completely overlooked until just recently is that the same is true of what she says/does during every other heightened emotional state.  For so long, I valued all the wonderful things she said/did when she was in an up mood.  I wanted to believe that those things were true because they all sounded so perfect.  "Wow, she really loves me.  She's such a great person and we're so perfect together."  But now I'm understanding that all the positive "facts" she shares during her good moods are just as transient as the negative "facts" of her bad moods.

So what's true and real to her is a constantly moving target based on her current mood.  There isn't just one "real" version of her to accept while I dismiss the parts I don't like as a side effect of bad moods.  Seeing her that way means I need to ignore all the contradictions in her behavior and pretend that she's this ideal person that I want her to be.  She isn't that person.

Accepting her means accepting the contradiction.  She's a wonderful, loving, caring person.  She's also a manipulative, evil, self centered person.  She's every other "fact" that she creates from her feelings and everything in between.  She says I'm attractive, then later says I'm ugly.  Which do I believe?  Until recently, I chose to believe the positive.  But now I'm accepting that it's not one or the other, but both.  I don't want to be loved and hated by the same person.  I don't want that mindfuck of contradiction.

Is anyone else looking at their pwPD through rose-colored glasses?  Believing in the version of the pwPD they want to see while dismissing the rest?

[losingmyself]

I used to, but I knew there was something wrong with the way he thought from pretty early on, and I knew I couldn't change the way he sees things, so I chose to only see the up times. Realizing this makes those up days seem fake. Just as fake as this morning when he was describing to me how I treat him like shit, based on one thing I did, which I acknowledged and apologized for. But that is a blanket feeling, so it encompasses everything. I still long for the up times when life is less unpleasant. Because who knows? Tomorrow I might be a saint. I just stay in my own reality. I am not an awful person, I am also not a saint. Somewhere in between, I would say. I know what I am. And I am beginning to know what he is. But I am also realizing that there must be a lot of pain for him. It must be an awful way to live, and I do feel empathy for him.

[NumbLotus]

She says I'm attractive, then later says I'm ugly.  Which do I believe?

You're right that both sides are your "real wife." I just wanted to say on this particular item, it's not a case of part of her thinks you're attractive and part of her thinks you're ugly. But that she thinks you're attractive but part of her wants to hurt you.

[eyesopen]

You're right that both sides are your "real wife." I just wanted to say on this particular item, it's not a case of part of her thinks you're attractive and part of her thinks you're ugly. But that she thinks you're attractive but part of her wants to hurt you.

I think that's a good distinction and I agree that's probably the case.  But regardless of which one it is, neither is a good thing to have in a partner.

[NumbLotus]

Indeed.

[eyesopen]

I just brewed myself a cup of tea and read on the teabag tag: "Steadiness comes from character and commitment."

I just had to chuckle a bit to myself because that message was the perfect one for me today.  I'm experiencing and realizing how true that and its opposite (Unsteadiness comes from lack of character and commitment.) really are.

[athene1399]

sounds like "splitting" to me, making things all good or all bad. When she's upset at you, she points out all these bad things or says what will hurt you to punish you. When things are going well, she talks everything up. Both are true and neither are true. Reality is probably somewhere in the middle, yet she does not have a middle herself. Does her opinion matter? Try to focus on what you know to be true. You know who you are.

I guess the question is, do you want to deal with her constantly switching her truth based on her mood? Then how do you move forward from this realization? You don't have to make a decision right now. Just some stuff to think about.

[heron]

This really matches my experiences with my uBPDw. It's been so hard for me to reconcile the two personalities,or the things she says. That I'm a wonderful husband and father she loves, that I'm a worthless husband who gives her nothing, a terrible father, who has exploited and trapped and abused her.

I agree with you that both may have some truth. I would add the caveat that the specific things said when in a rage may not be what she actually thinks, but just what she thinks will get through to you. Personally with mine I don't think her goal is to hurt me, even though it does, but to express her pain.

Just like you I ignored the negative for a long time, and I don't know how to integrate them. I struggle with: how can I be loving, tender, sweet to someone who has abused me? Now that I see both people when I look at her, even in good moods, I don't know how to relate. Our marriage has lost a lot of play and romance since I stopped being willing to pretend it's always good. And that just makes her feel more abandoned and unloved.

Does anyone have advice on how to relate with love to people who split?