Children's medical appointments

[Associate of Daniel]

At what age could/should an adult stop attending children's medical appointments?

Just ruminating on this as my ds13 has for a while now not wanted me to attend his optometrist appointments.

It's because his uNPD smum took it apon herself to take him lately as he was trying contact lenses, and since uNPD exH and I don't wear them and she does, she's the expert and would be better at supporting ds during the appointments.    You get the drift.

So the last few appointments I've been unaware of until after the event, despite court orders saying we are supposed to inform the other parent of upcoming appointments.

The optometrist, despite me asking several times, refuses to put my contact details on file for them to contact me when appointments are made as they "don't want to get involved".

Ds says he's uncomfortable when I'm there and his uNPD smum and/or uNPD dad are there. On the one hand, they're words that were put in his ears several years ago by the pds. On the other hand he probably is uncomfortable. I know I am.  Not so much with my ex but certainly with his uNPD wife. She shouldn't be attending ds's medical appointments anyway.

Anyway... it has me wondering. At what age do children start to see medicos on their own?  I feel 13 is a bit young. But 15? 16? I guess it also depends on what sort of appointment it is.

AOD

[mamato3]

My son is 17, has anxiety, and I typically still go in with him. He has a physical in a month or two and I imagine I will stay outside at this point. But for eye exams? I don't know that any parent is necessary really.

[eyesopen]

My child is only 6, so I'm answering from my own recollection from when I was young.  When I was old enough to get to and from the appointment on my own (i.e. old enough to drive), then I took myself to routine appointments and only had a parent present for something major.

Younger than that, in the early teen years, my parent would stay in the waiting room while I went in on my own.  And for about 12 and under, parent goes in the exam room with the child.  That's my personal experience.

As for smum taking him to appointments, it's up to you whether you're comfortable with that or not, or whether it's worth enforcing the court order.  I personally think you ought to be informed in advance of all appointments but I don't see the need for more than one parent or stepparent to attend - both you and smum being there could create more tension than it's worth.

[Stepping lightly]

Hi AOD,

I think a lot of it depends on the requirements in your country.  I would think in the US a doctor might be uncomfortable assessing  minor without a parent present to at least give the consent to do so. 

[hhaw]

My two cents.... take it for what it's worth and discard what doesn't make sense.

My girls began seeing their female dentist alone from day one.  That set the stage for their feeling empowered, having voice and agency over their bodies and fighting to go first at the dentist from then on.  Best case scenario from an anxious mom's perspective, which I was. 

Teeth and eyes are a thing in my family.  We're really uptight about those two things from birth.   

My girls had eye exams at school without me.   I would have been comfortable sending them for eye exams without me in the room from day one..... sending the message "You've got this... you can handle this.... you'll be fine" was instinctual, but overtaken by my NEEEED to know immediately or sooner if all was well, bc.... freaked about eyes and teeth family thing.  I sat in those appointments as I did with most of their pediatric appointments, but I never really trusted the peds not to say and do stupid things around food and weight. 

That said, I wore glasses from third grade on.  I could have worn contact lenses much sooner than I did, but my father said NO,  not sure why. Likely he thought it'd be a nightmare.... his side of the family is where the eye teeth thing came from, btw.  My eyes were perfect for contact lenses and I wore them well for...... 30 years then had lazer surgery with mono vision installed, which was really difficult to get used to.  The doctor refused to change eyes back to same vision, with me begging for contacts again.... he sent me away and I guess I got used to what I have now.  Sort of.   I'm still on the fence,  bc nothing is sharp at any distance AND I need reading glasses.  With contacts I had really sharp vision, even if I sort of needed reading glasses.  I say this, bc one day your son might consider having lasic.  My brother had it and he's not satisfied with his depth perception.  Things change, is all I'm saying.  Contact lenses were amazing from my perspective.   

Contact lenses are great bc your vision doesn't bob around on your face, as with glasses, or drive sweaty dents into your nose with their weight and constant pressure. 

If a child is responsible and capable.... if their eyes are perfectly formed to wear contacts... maybe the child should try contact lenses out at 9, 12, or 14yo.....  depending on the child.  My oldest failed with her one contact lense in 4th grade, but then she lost her glasses, lost her retainers.... we don't know where her glasses are NOW and she's 19yo.  She lost her computer once and it's still missing. 

Youngest dd never lost a retainer, always always wore them without having to be reminded and would have been a great candidate for contact lenses based on ability and maturity, IMO.  Different child from older sister.  She would likely have worn and kept up with a contact lense without trouble.

You might want to step back and let sm handle this eye stuff, bc she has experience and your son is buying into the PD narrative around your being controlling.... not trusting son to handle himself, etc. 

Maybe sending the message YOU TRUST HIM loud and clear will stuff that other PD narrative right down sm's throat.,  You DO believe in him, he doesn't need an adult to be OK, he has agency over himself and voice to impact his situations and future.   

Of course you'll pay attention to what's going on at every doctor's appointment and what he's considering.  You aren't turning your back... you're just giving him space and messages of deep abiding trust in him.

For the record, the PDs should follow the AGREEMENT to the letter, IMO, but ds shouldn't have to hear anything about it.

If you report their failure to comply to your attorney, and the PDs tell and complain to your ds about it..... I'd say that's nothing to do with ds, both parties have to follow the Judge's Order, it's not up to you or the PDs if the other parent follows it... it's up to the Judge.  DS doesn't have to waste his time listening to adults bicker over adult topics.  He has his own responsibilities... chores, discovering his passions and getting good grades.    You aren't bickering with the PDs or him about this, everyone will be OK and the rules are the rules.   Shrug it off without emotion and keep moving, modeling good habits and being appropriate with boundaries and calm assertiveness.

I'm sorry this situation sucks so bad, AOD, but don't let the PDs trigger you into doing or saying something you'll regret. 

You'll have lots of hills coming up.... to die on this particular hill, or not die.  That's the question.

I think you're a very consistent, calm mom, btw.  I think you're doing an amazing job and your son will know this about you later, if not in these moments, IME.

[pushit]

Not a lot of thoughts here but I wanted to jump in and say I agree with hhaw on this one, she wrote it out better than I could have.  I read your post yesterday and my first thought was to just leave it alone and let it play out.  13 is an age when kids want to exercise independence, so I would let him have it.  If he realizes you respect his space on this, that's a win for you.  I also like hhaw's thought about how you stepping back kills the narrative of you being controlling.

A thought in regards to them letting you know about appointments.  One thing I've been doing (though the jury is still out on whether or not I'm successful) is when exPDw does something unilaterally I make her cover the cost.  We have provisions in our court orders about timely notice of appointments, so if she were to schedule something without my knowledge I am not responsible for reimbursement.  I haven't done this with anything medical, and wouldn't if it was necessary medical treatment.  But I've done it with kids' activities when she has signed them up for things I don't think they're actually interested in.  Recital/performance coming up?  Great, I look forward to it, but you get to pay for it since you don't listen to what they actually want to do.  Perhaps in your situation it might help to make the PDs pay for it, not that it would change their behavior but at least it gives you more control over your world.  Just my $.02, best of luck.

[sevenyears]

Hi AOD. I agree with HHaw and others. This could be a good time to step back a bit. I imagine how hard that is since you have been forced to step back a lot lately. Can you talk to your son and tell him that you see that he is a responsible young man and that you have confidence in him to take care of himself? That you will step back so that he can go to these appointments on his own (nevermind if undp smum is there), and that you ask him to keep you informed and to talk to both you and xh/dad if he needs treatment before he (DS) takes any decisions? That will show him that you trust him, and believe he will do the right thing. And, separately, send a message to xh that he is still responsible for keeping you informed per the court order. I suspect, after a couple more trips, DS won't want unpd smum going with him either.

[athene1399]

Since I was getting SD from school, I was the one usually taking her to the apts. However, the doctors had BM's contact info and would call her to remind her of the apt. So like we didn't cut BM out even though I was taking SD (I have the flexible work schedule and often BM or SO couldn't get out of work for the apt. BM or SO would come if they could).

When SD was 15/16, she would still invite me back but there was a point when the doctor asked me to leave to ask personal questions. That was for her primary doctor.

Maybe if you aren't being notified of the appointments you can ask the doctor if they would notify you if something unexpected happens. Like if DS has an eye infection and would need medicine, you know about it in case you have to give him the medicine when you have him.

You might have to brainstorm a third solution, where maybe you can't go to the appointments but you can still get important information after and stay updated on your son's health. And if there's something major that isn't passed on, then that's an issue that should be documented and brought up in court. You should also document every apt you find out about that you weren't notified of as well (like "I found out a week after DS's eye apt that he had one). It shows the information isn't being passed on like it should. Then when you have enough examples of this occurring, you can think about it court is necessary or not.

I'm sure it is difficult knowing that your son is probably saying something that the PDs put in his head. We always found stuff like that very frustrating. But maybe if you give him some space, he may change his mind on it.