Grieving

  • 4 Replies
  • 317 Views
*

NumbLotus

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 594
Grieving
« on: January 24, 2020, 11:52:08 PM »
The thing happening with my H goes beyond PD, which is relatively mild. I think a neurological disease.

I am in a state of grief right now. It's unlike anything I've experienced before. I thought I had already grieved this marriage but there was more left.

I'm not grieving for a marriage that I thought existed but didn't, nor for a man I thought existed but didn't. They existed.

I loved my husband. He was wonderful. He did have some PD traits but they were defensive and never malevolent. He loved me and took care of me. He loved our daughter and would have hung the moon for her. Anything we needed, anything we wanted.

There was so much laughter. We talked and shared so many ideas. We went for walks, hikes, swims at the lake, picked fruit in orchards, saw movies, played games, we did things.

It's all gone now. He is very sick but he doesn't know because there is something wrong with his brain. I have losy my husband and my daughter lost her father.

I'm not just grieving a marriage, but the loss of a loved one.

The more I think about memories from just 4 years ago, the more striking it is that he's gone. It looks like he is here but he almost is nkt at all. Maybe half a percent left. And I can't share my grief with him. I can't plan what to do with him. My partner, best friend, husband.

I have decided I am not leaving him. I have come within a hair of leaving, looked it full in the face. I can't say if I'm right or wrong, just chicken or what, but I'm staying.

I may need to divorce him in the future to get him on Medicaid and not go homeless. But it will be a legal move. He may need assisted living or something at some point but I will watch over him.

My real husband really loved me. He really existed and I can prove it with photos and videos and memories. Everything was stolen from us. I will take care of him.

I don't know if I have the strength, but there are no choices I have the strength for. This is the road. It's my road.

I have been legally deaf since birth. People said it seemed hard but it was fine. I was legally blind since my teens, and that was harder, but I could do it. I lose more sight every yer and it gets harder and harder but I don't curse God or anything, it is what it is. Somebody has to do it, and there are worse things.

I lost my health when I was 31. That was really hard. I struggled with that. But you just keep chipping on, what can you do.

But this. This is where I kind of crack. This is more than I can bear.
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

*

1footouttadefog

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 2421
Re: Grieving
« Reply #1 on: January 25, 2020, 02:07:38 AM »
I am sorry you are living with so many challenges and then have to suffer the loss of a husband and friend on top of it all.

I have also lost my spouse to mental decline.  I however do t have all the other health challenges you have.  I cannot imagine how tough it must be to sort your future out. 

Acceptance of the brutal facts however is a key to being able to make the best deductions and move forward. 

I hope you find a way forward that brings you a greatly improved situation.

There is also hope that your spouse will find his way to medical help that improves his mental health. 

Work on you and keep hoping .

 

*

Bloomie

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 12965
Re: Grieving
« Reply #2 on: January 25, 2020, 12:51:33 PM »
NumbLotus - just offering support and sending you wisdom and strength in all of this.
"If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow." Dr. Caroline Leaf

Bloomie 🌸

*

fish2019

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 33
Re: Grieving
« Reply #3 on: January 25, 2020, 02:16:07 PM »
It really is such a terrible loss to come to terms with. For me, I'm trying to grieve the future I thought we'd have together, the family and home I thought we'd have one day that we no longer will, and for the person I fell in love with who no longer exists. Sending you best wishes and positive thoughts during this tough time. You'll get through this one day at a time. 

*

Newbeginnings

  • New Member
  • *
  • 4
Re: Grieving
« Reply #4 on: January 28, 2020, 12:38:57 AM »
Wow!  You have carried alot, all with courage, hopefulness and grace.  Thank you for sharing your courage with all of us.  Best to you!