BPD sil

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danyeld

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BPD sil
« on: January 26, 2020, 04:00:49 AM »
My SIL is severely borderline.  After almost two decades of dealing with her behavior, I am at a loss.  I have endured more than most people deal with in their lifetime from a family member.  I am married to her brother who I love and adore.  He is the best person I know and I honestly donít know how the two of them are related.  If I had to make an analogy, she is like a wrecking ball that is brought in to take down a city block.  The latest in countless incidents is that she is trying to cause yet another rift between my husband and my other sil and I by making false claims via text (she canít say any of this in person).  She has made up some more bizarre claims that I am talking about her (yeah no) to her friends (she has none).  The truth is is that I cut her out bc my mental health is worth more than waking up every day worrying about what dramatic info will be brought my way.  She canít keep a relationship with anyone bc of her behavior.  We have tried to get her help.  Sheís been to rehab for a month (but sheís cured).  I believe she is borderline, but wonít get help because thereís nothing wrong with her and itís everyone elseís fault.  The current situation is she is trying to get her brother (my husband) and I to fight by putting things in email and copying him that I complain about our relationship.   Someone help me and tell me how to deal with this bc I have literally had it.

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Bloomie

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Re: BPD sil
« Reply #1 on: January 26, 2020, 12:37:00 PM »
danyeld - Hi there. Welcome to OOTF. It is understandable that you are at the end of your rope with a sil who is intent on dividing you and your DH and who is consistently stirring up chaos and confusion. It is emotionally draining to live in proximity with someone who's behaviors are out of control.

I relate closely to having an undiagnosed (u) personality disordered (PD) sil who is determined to create havoc and who needs a fight with someone or some dramatic issue in her life to get out of bed in the morning. Who the in law family system enables and revolves around. It is a tough gig and I am sorry you are facing this.

Putting your own mental health and the health of your marriage first is wise and necessary with a toxic person. When you say you have cut her off I am assuming you have no contact with her? Does your DH still have full contact with your sil?

In my own case, after years of efforts and attempts to work through all of the issues, kindly address harmful behaviors that were creating disconnection between us all I knew that I also had to step back.

The hunger for drama, control, controversy and the determined attempts to divide and come between my DH and myself were draining me dry. I was way ahead of my DH on being saturated and done with attempting to maintain close connection with my own uPDsil because I was most often the target while being first in DH's love and attention was the goal. It was rivalrous and odd and incredibly disruptive to our lives and relationships with other family members.

I began to build boundaries and set limits and use a technique called Medium Chill and no longer entertained her in my home, joined in for female only family gatherings, answered phone calls, emails, texts.

It was a great relief to release myself from the obligation of being a 'family member' in my in law family. I have never been treated with familial love and acceptance or consideration in general, and it was much more natural to shift to: I am my DH's wife. Period. I have moved into a position where I support him and engage only from that position. I do not have a separate relationship with my DH's sister.

Whatever else, do not let this come between you and your DH and overshadow your happy and beautiful life. Keep loving each other and supporting each other because when we shift the dynamic in a family system that seems to have been very enabling of your sil, it can create some wobbles and it can be really hard to experience all of that.

The toolbox and traits info at the dropdown menus above, along with some great books, videos, the community here, and a therapist were such supports for me while getting some distance and healing and coming OOTF.

What I wish I knew then, through all of the drama and disordered acting out that followed my simply holding kind and reasonable boundaries and moving this toxic sil out to a distant circle of intimacy and connection in my life, was to walk away from the drama and refuse to give over any thought or emotional energy to what others think of my necessary choice.

Check out the book recommendations, the other media resources, and keep reading and coming back here for support as you find your way through this. It helps lighten a heavy load to be understood and heard by a group of people who absolutely get it!
« Last Edit: January 26, 2020, 12:40:56 PM by Bloomie »
"If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow." Dr. Caroline Leaf

Bloomie 🌸

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Starboard Song

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Re: BPD sil
« Reply #2 on: January 28, 2020, 10:20:44 AM »
Welcome to Out of the FOG. Bloomie has provided great feedback already, but I want to reiterate a key point.

This kind of stress often causes us to clam up with the people we love most. After all, you don't want to ruin every dinner and every quiet moment complaining, right? But it is ever so important that we not clam up. We have to make sure that we are aligned with our spouse, hearing what they are experiencing, and how they feel about it, and sharing what we are experiencing, and how we feel about it. Laying out ground rules for what we will or won't do, or tolerate, or engage with.

So please take a fresh moment to collect all your thoughts and do a strong touchbase with your DH. This may not be over in a year, or decade. So you two have to accept this together, and be ready together.

I am glad you've found this online community to augment the direct support of your DH and your FOC.

Be good. Be strong.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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all4peace

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Re: BPD sil
« Reply #3 on: February 06, 2020, 12:19:15 PM »
I add my vote for focusing on your marriage, having clear communication and a solid game plan, and then simply acting out that game plan every single time. It allows you to focus on things that are nurturing and awesome, instead of focusing on unsolvable problems that are draining.