The Big Announcements PD game

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GentleSoul

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The Big Announcements PD game
« on: January 26, 2020, 07:00:34 PM »
My uPD husband does this a lot.

Clears throat, there is an invisible and silent drum roll,  drrrrrr   rrrrrrr, pauses for dramatic effect - makes BIG announcement, then waits for applause from me!

Todays was that he ((( pause, drum roll ))) was going to  stop isolating in his room and will join me and spend time with me like a normal husband!

I think was meant to thank him and give gushing praise.  What I actually did was start talking about how interesting my favourite soap is at the moment and removed myself asap. 

I am finding every time I do not react as I am being manipulated to do, my self respect and self esteem grows a little bit more. 

Btw, whatever he does a *big announcement* about never happens. Ever!

Anyone else have a drum rolling, big announcement maker PD?

« Last Edit: January 26, 2020, 07:19:48 PM by GentleSoul »

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notrightinthehead

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Re: The Big Announcements PD game
« Reply #1 on: January 27, 2020, 05:28:34 AM »
.....I am finding every time I do not react as I am being manipulated to do, my self respect and self esteem grows a little bit more.....

Good for you! You can be proud of yourself.

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GentleSoul

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Re: The Big Announcements PD game
« Reply #2 on: January 27, 2020, 11:17:26 AM »
.....I am finding every time I do not react as I am being manipulated to do, my self respect and self esteem grows a little bit more.....

Good for you! You can be proud of yourself.

Thank you, NotRightInTheHead!

I am sure you are right in the head, by the way.

I appreciate your support.  I am indeed proud of myself.  As time is going on, I can see more and more things I can step away from regarding pd hubby.  I am seeing so much light at the end of the tunnel.

All best wishes to you.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: The Big Announcements PD game
« Reply #3 on: January 28, 2020, 03:56:14 AM »
Thanks for your kind words.

That's what I found. When I implemented the strategies from the toolbox, I felt so much better and more in control. The changes don't have to be big and there is no need for dramatic gestures. Standing up for yourself can be very subtle and quiet, yet by consistently ignoring bad behaviour and protecting yourself the fear subsides and the self respect rises.

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GentleSoul

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Re: The Big Announcements PD game
« Reply #4 on: January 28, 2020, 04:45:51 AM »
Thanks for your kind words.

That's what I found. When I implemented the strategies from the toolbox, I felt so much better and more in control. The changes don't have to be big and there is no need for dramatic gestures. Standing up for yourself can be very subtle and quiet, yet by consistently ignoring bad behaviour and protecting yourself the fear subsides and the self respect rises.

What a heart warming share, thank you.   Oh yes absolutely.  It is all the little things we do, our little changes we make.  Adds up to so much.  I had got to where I was so run down and buried.  I myself was snuffed out.   Gone.   Which I think was to do with me, not PD hubby.    I had to get ME back.

Not the old ME, I needed a new ME. I did it little by little. I was so utterly consumed with fear and anxiety.  I had not been that way in  my life before. I had been pretty happy go lucky, have a go at everything type person.   I suspect now, with hindsight, it was chemical changes in me possibly due to menopause.  But who knows??  I went to the doctor at the time and give had HRT and anti-depressants thrown at me.   Take those and go away.

I took the AD's for few years but again, looking back they actually increased my anxiety.  So I ended up partly numb but oddly very anxious.  Tried several different types. 

Tapered off, dumped them and will not be revisiting that horrible way of living again.

I very much agree with what you say - the most powerful way of dealing wiith bad behaviour is not to stand up to it, as I would have thought in the past, but to IGNORE it.  Totally.  Give it no oxygen.   In that moment, you kill it.  So utter power.  Yet quiet and no noise needed. 

I came to be able to see that my husband would do whatever it takes to get attention.  So - like a child - I ignored the bad and engaged with the good.

Works well, with him though I know from his past patterns, every month or so he will meltdown.  Whatever I am doing or not doing, something within him will cause his wheels to come off the track,  I have learnt to step away.  Within short time, he clicks back into his "normal PD" self.

In the past I used to think I had to make him feel better (this being the role I was given as a child with my insane/alcoholic parents).  By me getting involved, his wobble lasted days!!  Was exhausting and draining.  Also generally a load of money was spent on some shiny toy to try and cheer him up. 

Now I see it and step away it is maybe an hour or less now.  Quite incredible what cutting off the oxygen does to a situation.   Like putting a kiddie in a time out area in the home or school.

Anyways that is enough of me rambling. So glad we have this place to talk and share.  The Toolbox here is an absolute life saver. 







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Jsinjin

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Re: The Big Announcements PD game
« Reply #5 on: February 19, 2020, 10:23:29 AM »
I've actually done that work as a spouse.    I've seen that things are a mega mess that are impacting us negatively and I have worked in the background to prep for a big announcement only to have it clipped away mostly be indifference.   I'm not sure if the big announcement is a PD trait or not but if it's part of manipulation it probably is.   

Our family with teenagers has problems with online screen time taking away from the things they are supposed to do.   PD spouse is of the absolute belief that they must learn on their own and decide for themselves what to do.   That sounds good in theory but our whole life is like this.   So in this case I built a thing in the background.    I bought a tool called circle by Disney that lets parents control internet down to the website, set times, time limits and even has an 'off button' controlled by the smartphone.  I took a lot of time to set it up and develop it and decided that a start would be simple "no internet other than school websites and Google classroom until lunches for the next day were made and homework was done"   I announced it simply and effectively showing my wife how the system worked, how easy it was.

She deleted the app from her phone, the kids went to her and the mode of dealing with it was to unplug it whenever it was in the way.   There was zero buy in and she called it "that little Disney thing" in front of the kids.    The big announcement never got off the ground and we are in the exact same boat.   I asked her about it and she said flat out "I don't feel we should have to police them and I done want to be the person who they have to beg for internet access"   and we still live where there are stresses about homework not being completed and lunches are always a stress each morning with my wife screaming that they didn't empty their lunch boxes from the night before.

Sometimes I would give anything  for a big announcement and decision.
It is unwise to seek prominence in a field whose routine chores you do not enjoy.

-Wolfgang Pauli