Even more clothing issues

[Whiteheron]

I didn't want to hijack penny's thread, but had another incident with clothing...

To summarize: A while back stbx was ordered by the judge to buy the kids some clothes (stbx makes a lot of money and can afford this). Previously I had been buying the kids clothes to take to their dad's, then on top of that, the kids would take bagfuls of clothes over to his house. I have no idea what happens to all of these clothes.

Not too long ago, DD told me that she couldn't find any of her clothes at her dad's house and asked me to buy her some. I bought her a few things so she'd at least have something to wear that fit. A short time later, DD informed me that her dad was hiding her clothes in his closet...

Fast forward to now: stbx has moved into a new house. He's purged a lot of things. DD informs me she has only a few summer shirts at his house and that he refuses to take her shopping for anything new. DD confronts him and he tells her the reason she has no clothes at his house is because "mom refuses to buy any clothes for you." 
really??


Had he asked me to pick up some clothes for her and said he would reimburse me (he's still not paying child support), I would have gladly taken her shopping ahead of time. Instead, DD gave him a hard time, which has resulted in stbx demanding to know all of her sizes so he can order her clothes for her online...DD is 13. She is horrified at the idea of her dad picking out her clothes, esp undies, etc.

Of course, this weekend DD was in a panic about clothing she might need for next week...esp the underwear, so of course, I bit the bullet and took her to the mall to get a few things. I feel like I'm caught between enabling stbx and helping DD. I really resent him for all of this, especially him blaming me for his failure to buy her clothes. 

That's all, i just wanted to vent. Thanks for reading.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry this is happening.  I'd be upset, too.

[sevenyears]

uugghhh. we're here for you. Good for you for helping DD. If it enables PD in the process, who cares? I don't mean to sound flippant. Your responsibility is to DD and not to PD, so it doesn't (shouldn't) really matter what the impact is on PD, so long as you're not directly harming him. 

[Stepping lightly]

Ugh, I'm sure this is incredibly frustrating.

I agree that you are doing the right thing, the most important thing is making sure DD has what she needs even if it is a bit of a strain on you end- I can't imagine how horrible it would have been at 13 to wonder if I'd have to wear the same outfit for the entire visitation time.  DD knows you are taking care of her, so what Dad is saying only reinforces that he has issues. 

If you go back to court, perhaps you can get CS in place with an extra clothes stipend so you can continue to send clothing to his house? 

[Penny Lane]

I'm sorry, this is so frustrating.

We've all been there with the "enable the PD vs let the kid suffer" choice. And even the most hard-line among us have a point where we will say, this isn't OK and I'm going to step in for my kid even if it lets the PD get away with something.

We can't afford to totally subsidize BM, but we do end up buying way more than our share of clothes. We simply can't afford to buy enough of everything, and so we shop at thrift stores and only supplement with new things when we absolutely have to (ie when we can't find it used, or if the kid really wants it, and of course we always buy undies and sock new.)

Depending on where you're at in court and how much energy you want to spend on this, I don't think it would be out of line to send him the bill and ask for reimbursement. He'll say no, but at least you've documented the problem. And if you're still going back to court regularly I would definitely let the judge know that your ex has thrown out all the clothes that he bought in response to the previous order, he doesn't know your daughter's clothing size and he is insisting on choosing a 13 year old's underwear rather than letting her get it herself. Not worth going back to court, sure, but it makes him look really bad all around so it can't hurt to get it in front of the judge.

I'm sorry! We always joke about the playbook, and it seems like clothing issues are some of the most universal of all the issues.

[athene1399]

I'm sorry, WH. This sounds incredibly frustrating!