A long talk and maybe some positive changes???

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sarandro

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A long talk and maybe some positive changes???
« on: January 28, 2020, 10:02:17 AM »
I had a long talk with my DH...prompted by me asking some basic questions...like
What do you really care about?
What do you see for us for the future?

We talked for a long time about how he feels about things and I think I am getting through a bit, letting him know how his behaviours affect his family.

I think, that as our boys are living back home, they have noticed how he talks to me and takes out his anger on me.
I suppose I had gotten used to it!
Anyway...he told me he knows he is often a jerk/rude/angry and is sorry..he loves me and just wants to get a job, so he can feel useful again.

I think, once he does get a job, things will be a bit better...we won't need to argue about the lack of money and the pressure will be off me so much to make some money.
Also, he will be out of the house all day, leaving me to get on with my own small business.
I am happy to do all the cooking and cleaning etc as long as he is doing his share by earning.

The last couple of years have been very very hard, but maybe there is some light now, at the end of the tunnel?

I know that some of the things he said were what I wanted to hear, but ANY dialogue is better than none!

Baby steps !

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notrightinthehead

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Re: A long talk and maybe some positive changes???
« Reply #1 on: January 30, 2020, 04:41:18 AM »
Have you started to implement boundaries when he treats you badly? Are you protecting yourself?
Our march to freedom is irreversible. We must not allow fear to stand in our way.  Nelson Mandela

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sarandro

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Re: A long talk and maybe some positive changes???
« Reply #2 on: January 30, 2020, 07:15:35 AM »
Oh, Yes....MC and GR
I think he knows I've changed after going NC with FOO.
If I can do that...what's in store for him if he carries on like he is??

When he is angry...I just walk away now, instead of getting tearful and upset!

Thank the gods for the Toolbox and everyone here XXX

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GentleSoul

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Re: A long talk and maybe some positive changes???
« Reply #3 on: January 30, 2020, 07:56:38 AM »

Thank the gods for the Toolbox and everyone here XXX


Amen.  I think a PD person is going to do what a PD person does, however there are lots WE can do to protect ourselves as well as build our self esteem up.  Over time we can then see what WE want to do for OUR future. 

Sending kind thoughts to you.

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sarandro

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Re: A long talk and maybe some positive changes???
« Reply #4 on: January 30, 2020, 10:50:41 AM »
Thank you...kind thoughts to you too X

He is doing little things now, like washing up and vacuuming...asking if I need anything etc...it's a bit disconcerting...but nice!

AND, most importantly...TALKING!!!!

He is actively looking for work now also, so something seems to have changed.

I think he now realises that I mean what I say and I won't be standing for any more nonsense!!!

Feeling very optimistic, as even the small changes are a positive for the future!!

Watch this space........XXXXX

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1footouttadefog

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Re: A long talk and maybe some positive changes???
« Reply #5 on: February 05, 2020, 11:22:21 AM »
My pdh was one out of work for an extended time.  Not his fault, he really did try for 7-8months to find work.  Actually went up and down the sidewalks inquiring at each and every business as well as calling hundreds of adverts and filling out over a hundred applications even for dishwashing and toilet cleaning jobs.  I eventually succeeded in getting him to get with a temporary agency.  He worked a while for a furniture company, then at a factory for a couple weeks, at a bakery, and then for a fencing company.  I wish he could have been in that company longer it was a good match for him. He enjoyed the travel , time with the guys and the mentoring he got from the mature and older forman. 

Perhaps it does not have to be all or nothing and your spouse could get a part time  or temporary position just to be out of the house and slow the financial bleed. 


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sarandro

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Re: A long talk and maybe some positive changes???
« Reply #6 on: February 05, 2020, 04:26:59 PM »
I think the problem is...
His old job was driving a tour bus in the music business...with it came a certain amount of kudos...he was his own boss..people liked his anecdotes and he must have felt quite special being involved with rock stars...going abroad...partying etc.
The perfect job for a narcissist!

Me at home for months on end bringing up my boys.
When he came home, he treated it like a holiday and was out on the road again.

He is finding it difficult to adjust to being...'just an older bloke looking for work'
No longer special at all.

The indignity of having to help with the daily chores...you know...the so called 'women's work' (don't be offended by this...this is HIS thinking not mine!)
His son's all being in work and him having to ask them for some money for groceries sometimes.

I read somewhere about the concept of a 'narcissistic breakdown', when everything that the person thought they were has been taken away.

It has, I think, been a great shock to him that he is still out of work after 2 years...that no-one is jumping to employ him.

He doesn't want to just drive a truck, even though he could earn good money, so he has 'given up driving'.

I am trying to gently encourage him to retrain and find something that interests him...but I don't think any job could make him feel like he used to.
Nothing seems 'glamorous' enough for him, if that makes sense?
He won't entertain just any job, so until he realises that he is...'just a man looking for work' and not this special entity, I think he will still struggle with accepting his situation.
We all need to adapt to our situations and I know that it takes time to accept things and move on.
He has started to apply online for jobs, but only those that interest him (not many of those), so hopefully someone will see that he has transferable skills.

He has too much time on his hands but not enough 'get up and go' to do like your pdh and go to actual businesses to ask for work.

I am hoping that he will get something soon and you are right, it doesn't have to be a dream job...not all or nothing...just anything that he can do to make some money (and get out of the house!!!)
Our money/savings (not much anyway) is now nearly gone and even though we get some benefits, it's no way to live...cooped up at home together, there are bound to be disagreements and misunderstandings.

Our friends used to joke about how good our marriage was, I used to say
'Yes, that's because he is away all the time and when he's home, it's holiday time for him, so there is no time for arguing or daily problems, all the routine stuff '

I used to miss him when he was away and liked to make things nice for him when he came home.
We talked about that and how good it would be for him to get a 9-5 and come home to a family dinner every night (or bring a takeaway on his way home from work)

I really hope that he can find something soon, for his own sake, for his own self esteem.
I know that when he does, he will start to feel better about himself, and by feeling better in himself, he will not be as angry with his loved ones.

Thanks for reading this far, I got a bit carried away (I don't have anyone to talk to about these things) XX

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1footouttadefog

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Re: A long talk and maybe some positive changes???
« Reply #7 on: February 05, 2020, 06:33:51 PM »
My pdh had a good work ethic when he worked, however since he stopped working /retired he does not any more.  I could see things slipping emotionally and psychologically the last while that he worked then mental illness made unlikely he could be around others long enough to work.  By the time he was on meds that would have enabled him to work again potentially, he was old enough to retire and take social security.  We lived on savings and my work for a year and 1/2 to glide into his retirement.

Had it happened a few years earlier it would have been rough.

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SparkStillLit

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Re: A long talk and maybe some positive changes???
« Reply #8 on: February 06, 2020, 12:03:00 AM »
Hmmm I see a lot of parallels here. Updh did something on his own for 18 years that he was very good at and he controlled it and got kudos and whatnot.  Sure there were drawbacks (and he made much of them)  but overall it was an excellent fit for him. Due to physical decline he went on to a more indoor job (after a very sketchy unemployment period where he did a lot of sitting and wheel spinning, and it took someone else to bump him out). That lasted two years, seemed very toxic (I've no idea how much was his input) and he quit. He spent more time unemployed and then got himself in a little bit with his old trade..  but that didn't last. Now back to wheel spinning.
He won't do just any old job, either. I'm not asking nor keeping track, I've no idea if he's looking or what. He seems to burn down to our last cent and then something happens. Sometimes I feel like "the universe" cuts me a break, because I sure don't think it's him.

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sarandro

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Re: A long talk and maybe some positive changes???
« Reply #9 on: February 06, 2020, 05:44:45 AM »
Yes, my updh also used to have a good work ethic...he put his whole being into his job, often to the detriment of his family at home.
He would opt to stay away for months on end when he did not really need to (financially).

He is on meds now for his depression, but he is only 55 and acts like a very old man, sitting in his chair all day, feeling sorry for himself.

I have noticed that he often uses 'magical thinking'....something will turn up...eventually.
It is really rough.

I have always been supportive of his attempts to find another job, writing his CV etc.
He was self employed for a good 8 years and I did all his bookings/paperwork/finances...all he had to do was drive. He used to call me 'office staff' (I also had a job/kids/house etc

Now I am trying to be self employed myself...he won't help me at all...when I ask, he says 'Stop telling me what to do'

I am now at the stage where I am nearly ready to launch my idea and he seems to see it as a personal affront!!
I think he is a bit jealous of my singlemindedness and the fact that I am now OOTF has made me not so bothered by his behaviours.

I am nearly 60 and haven't got time to waste on a big baby who is sulking because no-one will offer him a perfect job on a plate.
It would do him good to just get a part time job doing something, even if it is seemingly 'beneath' him.

The universe will undoubtedly 'cut us a break', but it will be me holding things together as usual.