covert move

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Pepin

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covert move
« on: January 28, 2020, 06:44:42 PM »
Got together last weekend with PDmil for a meal recently to observe one of "her" holidays.  Only one of our teens was with us and PDmil reached into her purse to pass over an envelope with money in it.  (I am being real vague here but I am sure you can guess what I am talking about.) 

Is it me thinking that it was rude that PDmil didn't also have an envelope for our other teen who wasn't there? 

I am also thinking of splitting the money and I don't think the teen that received the money will mind.  *sigh*

Additionally, should I have said something and what?  I feel bad that I was quiet about this and I'm certain that if I bring it up with DH he will defend his mother.  I feel that PDmil is acting from a place of immaturity (nothing new) because she knows that she's on the absent teen's blacklist.   
Why work so hard to have a relationship with someone that does not care the same way as you?

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

Born into a dysfunctional family and married into a dysfunctional family.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.

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Andeza

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Re: covert move
« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2020, 07:07:07 PM »
The only way this is remotely okay is if another envelope of equal quantity is handed off to your other child the next time they see your PDMIL. Even so, were it me, I would have handed you or your DH the other envelope then and there and asked you to deliver it to your other kid with my love. But... I'm not PD.

Otherwise, I'd sit down with the kid who got the money and discuss it. Saying something like "GMA gave you a gift, but didn't get anything for your sibling that I know of. Are you okay splitting it, and then if another gift is given to your sibling, we'll split that one as well so it's even?" I try not to say fair... just a thing of mine because life so often is unfair. The conversation may look different by age, and you know your kid best.

As for how to handle your MIL, try not to second guess yourself. :bighug: Turning over the should haves and what ifs will only drive you up the wall. You made the best decision you could, in that moment, with the information you had. That's the best any of us can do, Pepin. That and plan for the future.

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Pepin

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Re: covert move
« Reply #2 on: January 28, 2020, 07:25:22 PM »
Yes, I see your point.  I still get stuck thinking about what I should have said or done....wish I had said: is this for both teen's to split?  I would have been able to handle it from there regardless of response.  The teen that received the money politely said thanks and then dropped it into my purse.  She was clearly embarrassed that her grandma whipped out money at the table...especially in a public place like the restaurant where PDmil knows the owners. 
Why work so hard to have a relationship with someone that does not care the same way as you?

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

Born into a dysfunctional family and married into a dysfunctional family.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.

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Andeza

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Re: covert move
« Reply #3 on: January 28, 2020, 08:23:33 PM »
Ding Ding Ding, not so covert a move after all. Wasn't so much about favoring one child over the other as it was about everybody SEEING and KNOWING what a great GMA she is because she gives her grandkid money... Blegh. She was showing off. PDs are all about the prestige sometimes. :doh: Can't just love someone and give them a gift, have to do it where people you know are watching.

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Maisey

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Re: covert move
« Reply #4 on: January 28, 2020, 08:55:42 PM »
plan for the future.

I think this is a good idea, also.

Have ready some statements or questions to fit your MIL's usual actions. ( i recently  used all my ready-statements in one shot. It was great, and I feel much better about myself and life in general.)

Chances are, your MIL did that just to tick you off, and knew your husband wouldn't say boo about it.

M.

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Pepin

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Re: covert move
« Reply #5 on: January 29, 2020, 12:52:53 PM »
plan for the future.

I think this is a good idea, also.

Have ready some statements or questions to fit your MIL's usual actions. ( i recently  used all my ready-statements in one shot. It was great, and I feel much better about myself and life in general.)

Chances are, your MIL did that just to tick you off, and knew your husband wouldn't say boo about it.

M.

You are right.  I think I need to keep a list of clarity defining questions to ask at any given moment.  Seems that PDmil has so many tricks up her sleeve, making up new games every chance she gets.  And to some degree, DH is an issue for me, too.  I have to include him as well in my questioning... 
Why work so hard to have a relationship with someone that does not care the same way as you?

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

Born into a dysfunctional family and married into a dysfunctional family.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.

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candy

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Re: covert move
« Reply #6 on: January 29, 2020, 02:46:57 PM »
Yes, I see your point.  I still get stuck thinking about what I should have said or done....wish I had said: is this for both teen's to split?  I would have been able to handle it from there regardless of response.  The teen that received the money politely said thanks and then dropped it into my purse.  She was clearly embarrassed that her grandma whipped out money at the table...especially in a public place like the restaurant where PDmil knows the owners.

I agree with Andeza - not so covert  :band:
Especially since your MIL knows the owners. It probably served several purposes for MIL: embarrass you, look good in front of the audience, teach a lesson to the teen not attending, favor the attending teen, show off to DH what a great grandma she is  :doh:

As your teen was already embarrassed by her grandmother‘s behavior, I think it was a good choice to not start a discussion or ask further questions about the topic. Probably your teen would have been even more embarrassed if you did.

You can still handle it the way you like. I‘d favor you talking to your teen the way you already mentioned as this is the only important relationship here: the one you and your children have.

IMO a question in the style of „what do you expect us to to with this money, MIL?“ would have been too innocent. Perhaps it’s better to direct a solution: „MIL, I see it is only one envelope. We‘ll split it with (not attending teen name) at home. I don’t want to embarrass (attending teen) further.“

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Maisey

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Re: covert move
« Reply #7 on: January 29, 2020, 09:54:56 PM »
For myself,  I was enabling the behavior that so infuriated me  by keeping silent and fuming.

It didn't gain me any popularity with the inlaws, and H was aggravated.

 it got easier after the first time.


M.

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WinterStar

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Re: covert move
« Reply #8 on: January 30, 2020, 08:55:47 PM »
For next time, I would suggest thanking Grandma on behalf of absent teen. "Thank you so much for the gift for attending teen, and I'm sure absent teen will really appreciate it too!" You just assumed that the gift was for both grandkids.

But don't beat yourself up for not thinking of that in the moment. I always come up with the best reactions 2-3 days after an event.
I am only resolved to act in that manner, which will, in my own opinion, constitute my happiness, without reference to you, or to any person so wholly unconnected with me. -Elizabeth Bennet

Treating a Bengal tiger like a kitty cat is a good way to get mauled. -Eric Barker

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Leonor

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Re: covert move
« Reply #9 on: January 30, 2020, 11:08:35 PM »
I don't know if there is a "good" response to this ... There's no way to normalize abnormal behavior. Even if you come up with the "perfect" comeback, so what? You're still accepting the burden of trying to control the situation. Give yourself a hug, and ... shrug.

Or have fun thinking up your responses:

"Why THANK YOU, Grandma!" (roll eyes at dd and slip envelope into purse).

"Actually, Grandma, Santa says to save presents until Christmas!" (push envelope back across table with big smile)

"Oh, wonderful, Grandma, we'll deposit this right into our account at the Bank of Crazy!" (my personal favorite)

I don't have anything to say against planning for the future and it can feel good walking into a situation feeling like you have your own back. But if nothing you say makes a difference or if there's another card up mil's sleeve, why give yourself a homework assignment? Give yourself a bubble bath instead!






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Kat1984

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Re: covert move
« Reply #10 on: January 31, 2020, 12:38:39 PM »
I believe that the most important thing in this situation is to be a great role model for your kids, demonstrating to them how to deal with people such as your MIL. The only thing that may be worth salvaging in this interaction is an opportnity to teach your kids  life skills.