Self doubt

[Jorainbow]

Whilst I have maintained no contact for the main, the practicalities meant I have had to speak to him on occasion.  The last contact has left me riddled with self doubt about me being the one with the problem. What started as him once again not explaining something he had written in a text which I misinterpreted that became my fault as I had made an issue (asked him to explain) ended with him basically accusing me of abuse. This is all after finding out about his multiple infidelities last year which were because he was 'bored and I made him feel small'.  He alluded to the fact that because I am a nervous passenger (and he not a great driver) my occasional (he rarely drove) requests for him to slow down have caused him to be unable to drive now.  Even on his own. Not forgetting the fact he caused a car accident by grabbing the wheel and flipping the car when I was driving which caused me extreme anxiety about driving that I have worked hard to overcome. He then told me he has spoken to some of my old friends who have said I am crazy and selfish. He wont name them because he concluded that's the only thing I'm bothered about and the fact that I will talk with them and won't know who they are is him scoring points. Add to that the final sentence 'I had to live day by day depending on your moods.  If things were good then it was good, if not .........' Those dots made me think what?  What did I do?  I was never violent? I don't remember it being like this day by day.

I was looking at airbnb last night for a short holiday for me and came across the cottage we stopped in last year. The holiday where he was texting his bit on the side whilst we were (I thought) having a lovely holiday, me taking him to places that mean a lot to me to share.  My reality and his reality are poles apart but he has this uncanny knack of making me feel mine is a complete lie.  I have asked him in future to email only and I have approached an abuse support group to make sense of these feeling.

What I don't understand is he left.  He doesn't want me. So why does he set out to hurt me?

[notrightinthehead]

Indeed, why? Maybe he is bored and feels small. Maybe he is testing the hook. As you write, your realities are way apart.

I can so relate to your post. Countless times have I asked myself 'Maybe I am the narcissist?'. And sure, I have problems and I am working on them. As are you. We are working towards more self awareness, behaving like mature people, having good boundaries, being kind and considerate towards ourselves and others.

I hope you find a good abuse support group, stick to the email rule and continue on your path of healing.

[SparkStillLit]

Jo, those sound like HIS things that he's projecting on to you. Thus far, you've come across as a lovely person who would not as a general rule behave in that manner. It seems like once again he's trying to justify his bad behavior by blaming YOU. That's just not how that works. I'd say not to let him get in your head. As far as the friends thing, that's pretty fishy, too. Once my h tried this deal where he told me my family was saying all these terrible things about me. I am secure in the ties he was maligning, so I didn't believe a word he said, but they do go for your ties like that and try to twist and break them.

[blunk]

I agree, his comments sound like projection. Let's be clear...he owns his infidelity, his choice, his actions, you have no fault. His inability to drive...because you asked him to slow down, that sounds like gaslighting to me, but even if he isn't driving, not your fault.

Saying that he has talked to your friends sounds like mind games to me. It seems like he is looking for a reaction out of you. Maybe a form of supply in that he left, but is trying to get you to reengage to find out who he might be talking to. Or trying to keep you isolated from friends by making you wonder which of them is talking behind your back.

The one possibility that came to mind when he mentioned your moods...were you using either MC or GR? I remember my BPDxh claiming that I was in a bad mood or being cold when I stopped engaging in the circular conversations. He would say that I didn't care because I only gave 1 or 2 word answers. Just a thought.

[Jorainbow]

Thank you for your thoughts. Yes his behaviour escalated as I began to GR prior to him leaving. I spoke to our local DV team last night and they have suggested possibly joining a group for those leaving relationships but as it is likely through the day that won't be possible. She did say though I have a great understanding of what has been happening and to keep up with my own counselling. I actually saw him last night to handover some documents etc and I had the strangest feeling. I looked at him and felt nothing. It was like looking at a stranger. And that felt good! In sure there will be more wobbles along the way but I can't underestimate the support of this group and the knowledge here. 💜

[Medowynd]

Don't believe for one minute that accusation that that your old friends think your crazy and selfish.  That comment is straight out the narc's handbook.  My ex tried that garbage a few times.  I told him if he can't produce names and location, I wouldn't listen to his lies.  He tried for several years and every time I demanded names and locations and he couldn't produce anything because I told him that I would be speaking directly to these people to find out what was going on. 

[Jorainbow]

Thanks Medowynd. This happened in the relationship in a lot of ways too. No actual facts. Always wild accusations or vagueness. I would say tell me what I've done? Tell me when? Nothing.