Stuck in the middle

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losingmyself

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Stuck in the middle
« on: January 29, 2020, 01:47:20 PM »
I just need some encouragement here.  My DD is having surgery tomorrow. I admit fully that I am a terrible planner. But my BPDH thinks that I'm intentionally hiding my plans from him to keep him in the dark.
My DD just called from her dad's, and she's feeling pretty crappy, she has to do the fun colon cleansing, no food thing. So she's maybe a little short tempered. The thing is, H and I usually run to a town about an hour away and get smokes and we're out, so we need to go. Couldn't go yesterday because we were also out of money and I get paid today. So, my H assumed that we were going to get smokes, and my DD assumed that I'm coming to get her right after work to bring her to my house. And of course, H is trying the old 'you never told me, how would you like to be kept in the dark??'  I know for a f-ing-fact that DD and I talked about it right in front of him, and he was listening, because he turned off the sound on the TV. Is that gaslighting, or does he really not remember??  So both of them are mad at me, and I have to make the decision. And it absolutely will not be the right one. What do I do?

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ICantThinkOfAName

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Re: Stuck in the middle
« Reply #1 on: January 29, 2020, 02:07:24 PM »
It's probably more important to pick up DD for surgery.  JMO.  I'm assuming you only have one car so H getting the smokes is not an option.  Is the surgery long enough that you can go grab the smokes while it's going on?  Also, sorry that you are in this position, it sounds like you are trying to be everything to everybody and that is a hard spot and unfortunately someone will be disappointed.  I have felt the same way a lot of times and I'm learning to live with the discomfort of other's anger.  Not going to lie it's not easy and I usually obsess for about an hour.  But then magically it works itself out and it gets easier each time. 

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PeanutButter

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Re: Stuck in the middle
« Reply #2 on: January 29, 2020, 02:43:00 PM »
I just need some encouragement here.  My DD is having surgery tomorrow. I admit fully that I am a terrible planner. But my BPDH thinks that I'm intentionally hiding my plans from him to keep him in the dark.
My DD just called from her dad's, and she's feeling pretty crappy, she has to do the fun colon cleansing, no food thing. So she's maybe a little short tempered. The thing is, H and I usually run to a town about an hour away and get smokes and we're out, so we need to go. Couldn't go yesterday because we were also out of money and I get paid today. So, my H assumed that we were going to get smokes, and my DD assumed that I'm coming to get her right after work to bring her to my house. And of course, H is trying the old 'you never told me, how would you like to be kept in the dark??'  I know for a f-ing-fact that DD and I talked about it right in front of him, and he was listening, because he turned off the sound on the TV. Is that gaslighting, or does he really not remember??  So both of them are mad at me, and I have to make the decision. And it absolutely will not be the right one. What do I do?
I think its vital that you keep your plans with your daughter. IME If your husband truly doesnt remember hearing about the plans that does not negate you keeping your word. He will just have to get mad. I would tell him he should be mad at himself not at you though for not paying attention/and or not remembering. You told him. You did your part. Its not on you to leave your daughter hanging on her surgery preparation. IMO What kind of man thinks getting cigarettes is more important than a childs surgery prep? Wow!

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losingmyself

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Re: Stuck in the middle
« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2020, 04:32:57 PM »
Thanks, everybody. After I ranted here, I thought about it and came upon the same conclusions you all mentioned here. it is not my fault that he didn't listen when we were talking about it, and my daughter absolutely comes first. He can just be mad.
We talked at lunchtime, I acknowledged my part in the confusion, because I didn't make a plan, but that was it. He literally told me a version of the conversation that was exactly half of it! So, what happened was that he checked out. Not my fault. Not my monkey, not my circus.
We got things figured out, and DD is feeling better.
And so am I. I'm stronger because of you all.

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rubixcube

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Re: Stuck in the middle
« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2020, 05:00:04 PM »
Is that gaslighting, or does he really not remember??

I often wonder the same with my wife.
Granted, she had breast cancer, radiation and chemo and her memory went downhill after that, I still wonder if she uses it for plausible deniability.

Instead of being torn between which person to please, it might help if you figure out what YOU want, then do that. I imagine you'll choose to help DD. There will always be someone mad at us! I'm a codependent/people-pleaser type and I get exhausted trying to please everyone. I'm starting to learn to be strong and do what I'd like to do. Maybe you can relate?

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losingmyself

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Re: Stuck in the middle
« Reply #5 on: January 30, 2020, 12:36:06 PM »
Yes, rubixcube, it's so hard to stop and say "what do I want to do?"
Because I have to learn to trust that I can make the right decisions.  I can go about my day doing things, I'm not real forward,  but I can stand my own. But when it comes to my ex, my H, and even my DD, they all get mad and in their own way, manipulate me. I hate to say that about my DD, but she is very stubborn.  An attribute I think is good for her, and I've never tried to push her away from that. But everybody gets so mad at me! I have had times when all 3 of them have been angry, and letting me know it. It sucks.
But I am starting to do the same as you. Baby steps.

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losingmyself

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Re: Stuck in the middle
« Reply #6 on: January 31, 2020, 02:51:26 PM »
Just an update. Surgery went well, I think she'll have a quick recovery. We got home at 3, and BPH came home at 5, just raring to go... like. "Come on, let's fight" First, to back up a little, when I text him on his break time, I had to give specific numbers for what I bought exactly, at the pharmacy, and exactly how much everything cost.
So, he got home, he was angry because I forgot to buy him soda, then I had let the cat out and forgot to let him in, it's cold out, so that wasn't good. So, slammed the door when he came in.
H: What have you been doing??
Me: Well, cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the bathroom, took out garbage, stuff like that
H: Hu, I didn't know the bathroom needed to be cleaned. I see you didn't clean the living room.
Me: *Sigh*
And bitch and complain about what I made for supper, and everything else. Then I had a handful of laundry to put away, and he says "oh, now I'm home, you can't even sit down with me and visit."  So I put the clothes away, and sit down with him, and he has nothing nice to say. If I say a comment about something, I get "Oh, YA THINK???"
So glad I sat down. So, I watch TV and pretend like he's not there.

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ICantThinkOfAName

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Re: Stuck in the middle
« Reply #7 on: January 31, 2020, 04:09:55 PM »
losing myself... I just cringed reading your most recent post.  I used to get the same treatment.  I'd clean the ENTIRE house with 3 young kids and ONE, ONE single freaking piece of popcorn was on the counter and he said "what blew up in here?" ugh... and the "Oh ya think".  Downright mean.  Patronizing.  I'm sure your presence would be better appreciated elsewhere, IMO!  You are worth way better treatment than that.  And I am saying this as much to you as I am to myself.  It's easy to armchair quarterback but every time I read and post here, it is making my resolution stronger. 

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losingmyself

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Re: Stuck in the middle
« Reply #8 on: January 31, 2020, 06:16:35 PM »
you're right, Ican't. We get stronger coming here.
The funny thing is, the living room was clean, except for the coffee table in front of where he sits, and the whole surrounding area. It's a freakin pigsty. But I leave it, and keep the half of the coffee table in front of where I sit clean and tidy. I will not pick up his shit any more. I take enough of it, I'm not cleaning it up, also! But, he will go in the kitchen which, by the way, the dining table and that surrounding area is full of his shit, too. It's in an out of the way area, we don't use it to eat, but, still..He'll go in the kitchen, and pick up one thing, like the sugar container got left out and pick it up with contempt and say "I'll put this away."  Because it was that one thing that makes our house a mess.  I used to get really upset when he'd not notice what I did, and imply that I wasn't doing anything. He can go jump off a bridge. I did the work. I don't need his approval. Don't care anymore. Mostly, I get sad for myself, that this is my life.
I got off track. Sometimes things just spill out!
Today he is just a peach. eye roll..

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1footouttadefog

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Re: Stuck in the middle
« Reply #9 on: February 05, 2020, 11:29:55 AM »
Just continue to take your life back bit by bit. 

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losingmyself

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Re: Stuck in the middle
« Reply #10 on: February 05, 2020, 02:31:40 PM »
I will do my best, onefoot.