Was my ex-boyfriend BPD? How to proceed

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littlepixie

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Was my ex-boyfriend BPD? How to proceed
« on: January 29, 2020, 07:47:14 PM »
I met my ex last year. I had spoken to him for months over the phone after meeting online, and to be honest, I was under the impression he was more into me than I was into him. We would message each other ESSAYS every day.

We met at 6pm for our first date. He didn't drop me back at my hotel until 7am. The chemistry was electric. We spoke for hours and hours about everything in life, gentle flirting but no overt sexuality, which I loved. We soon got into a pattern of seeing each other every weekend, and speaking everyday on the phone.

He also kept telling me he was "broken" from a bad childhood, and cried on our 2nd and 3rd date talking about his childhood.

But, I was infatuated with him! I would bake him cakes every weekend, bring him little gifts, go to all his races, sit dutiful alone whilst he trained ... and in return, he would buy us dinner/coffees/etc., he was super interesting and he said we were soul mates.

The day he asked me to be his gf, it was a massive heatwave, and because he had moved back to his mother's whilst his house was renovated, and I lived 2 hours away we were in a hotel. After checking out at 11am - he announced at 3pm that he had to do marathon training. He met his friend, left me in the car and went running for 2 hours. I had nothing to do, no drink and no access to a shop. So there I was, 2 hours away from home, in a car in 32 degree Celsius heat. (idiot)

Dropping me home that weekend, he said that it was the most amazing experience of his life - that he couldn't believe someone as beautiful as me was his girlfriend. He loved waking up next to me. Over messages he said "I can't believe last night happened, dream check moment!!" I replied, kinda trying to deflect too many compliments "Me too, but stop with the compliments haha, im gonna end up with a big head" - his reply was weird "I'm not complimenting you, I was impressed with myself for having slept with someone like you" ... What the fuck?

Our first argument happened after a month. I was down for the weekend in his city. He was completely stone cold with me picking me up. I went to kiss him and he turned his cheek. It was 11pm and he took me back to his work so he could finish up for "a few minutes". I was in his car for 1 hour. Then, he ran errands dropping stuff at his sisters. When we finally got a chance to chat, he pulled out his phone and went on Instagram. I jokingly said "For every 5 minutes you're on SM, I ain't gonna speak for 10!". He put his phone away, we chatted. All good.

At 2am, he said that we were going to smoke weed with his brother. We had a good time - it was chilled, friendly, I felt comfortable... and then when we got back to hotel, he started crying again. The conversation went:

Me: "... oh my god, what's the matter? Are you okay?!"

Him: "... I'm fine... it's just ... I feel like we're not as connected as we usually are"

Me: "What ... what do you mean?"

Him: "you're putting doubts in my mind. you're making me feel guilty. you expect me to change my behaviour for you - like you expected me to comfort you about the water infection, and I don't get why you wanted to make me feel bad"

Me: "erm, I don't ... I don't understand sorry"

Him: "you weren't joking about instagram before - you were criticising me. you want me to change"

Me: "I say that to everyone. I don't like people being on their phones. But help me understand - why did it offend you?"

Him: "Leave it !!! You're always pushing to understand, leave it."

He then went to sleep, waking up in the morning completely normal. We then did all his chores that day - running around from 8am to 11.30pm. I met his whole family -- he said he was proud of how much they seemed to love me. I also went to see him race in a different city and took pictures for him when he crossed the finishing line.

He went to see his brother again at 12am for about 20 minutes, leaving me in the hotel room alone. He then came back, lavishing me with attention, telling me I was beautiful perfect etc.

And then the next day he had to go running AGAIN. He left me this time with a UTI in a coffee shop. He said he would be 2 hours. After 2 hours and a half, I sent him a message asking where he was. He replied "sorry, just finishing up getting a picture with my friend (man I know too) for instagram" I replied "getting a pic? really? that's quite mean considering I am ill... what time will you be back?" BIG MISTAKE...

He stormed into the coffee shop, asked me to get into his car. We drove the 2 hours back to my house in silence. I tried everything to try and get him to speak to me, I apologized, saying I was sad I didn't seem a priority that weekend. He errupted. **"*You're so manipulative!!!*" and "*i always think of you, i always put you first, but you never put me first..."*(refer back to the things I did as his girlfriend), and eventually "you know I am insecure, you know why i have to exercise"

I started crying - really crying. I was being a bitch - I said sorry more times than I can remember. He didn't reply, kept driving and rang his friend to chat about something he saw on telly. I was scrambling - I asked him to stop at a services as I was in pain. He eventually did - I bought him a coffee and keyring as a peace offering. He didn't budge.

He dropped me off. I kept sobbing - wailing at his point - what had I done wrong?! I felt awful, I had upset someone so sensitive by saying something selfish - I was the problem. I said "are we breaking up?!"

He said "I am. I want to go home now".

He ignored me for 3 days. He then said I could call him at 7pm the next evening. He said he needed time to evaluate whether we should be together and he couldn't be with someone who made him feel guilty.

3 days later we met. He apologised. He had overreacted. He was sorry. He wanted to be with me. So that was decided.

For a while, everything was good again. I was increasingly struggling with life; my family friend died, I had a CT scan due to constant blackouts, and I graduated and was unemployed. I was a mess.

And then I stupidly called him out for liking a girl's "revealing" picture on insta. I felt shit after the CT scan, I felt unattractive, I felt stressed and I lashed out. There was nothing in it - i know that - she was in a different country! It just felt weird because he told me that he didn't think it was respectful to like other girls' pictures if someone had a girlfriend... and that's exactly what he had done!

I asked him why he did that after he spoke out so much about how he didn't like promiscuity.

He ended the phonecall after 1 minute. He didn't speak to me for 2 days.

He then called me saying:

I was sabotaging the relationship. I was being very selfish and looking for reasons to be sad.

That he was so "so so so sure of me" and that I spent my time putting doubts into his head.

When I told him that I was insecure about my body after rape, and that it made me feel disgusting next to other girls he said "yeah, we know all this" (this floored me)

That he was going running, and that I could call him after at 8pm.

It was the day of my friends funeral the next day. I was exhausted, I text him saying I couldn't speak and I was getting an early night.

The next day he sent a text thanking me for a plant I had sent him. I replied saying I missed him, the funeral was hard - life was hard. No reply.

I had discovered that my UTI that made me cranky in the coffee shop when we first broke up was actually a pregnancy symptom. 2 days after my friend's funeral I miscarried.

The weekend after my friend's funeral we met at a train station halfway between us. I told him everything - pouring my heart out - about the pregnancy, funeral, my mental health. All met with indifference. The burning issue to him was "you didn't even wish me good luck for my race" (which was the day I miscarried). He said "Rick, you aren't stupid, you are good with words, you know that words hurt and yet you still use the ones to hurt me the most".

He didn't look at me once. Sitting in the car, he stared out the window, arms folded and pouting his lips. He said he felt more comfortable not to look at me. Whenever I spoke he said "what you think doesn't matter." He said after 4 hours, "I need to protect myself from you. I am my priority".

Leaving the car, knowing I had miscarried, and that my CT scan results were back soon - he said "I hope your family are coping well" ... seemingly, he didn't care about me.

And he drove off - leaving me to get home alone. 4 days before my birthday. Days after a miscarriage.

I fought hard to keep it civil - I didn't shout or even swear at him in the days after. I just wanted my friend back. We had a 7 hour phone call the day after my birthday. It was like a phonecall when we were in a relationship - he didn't even mention the breakup. I felt good - maybe he made a mistake? Did I imagine the breakup?

I blocked him in November because I kept waking up having panic attacks.

We met up before Christmas - this was 3 months post-breakup. He said vaguely that he was sorry that we had broken up - and that he was sorry how he acted. He had been so depressed since - he stayed in bed for 3 weeks after we split, started self-harming again, thought I had gone forever; "to say I missed you would be the biggest understatement of my life". He said our breakup was messy because of how "united" we are. He said he didn't know what to do for the best.

Since then, we have been in contact, sending literally hundreds of mini essays per week to each other.

We slept together this weekend again after I went to pick my stuff up. Now, he likes to leave me on read for hours at a time whilst I ask what I should do with his flat key he put in my bag, and the OTT birthday present he got me (which he put in my bag without asking).

Now he's gone on holiday for a few days and asked me to call him tomorrow in the day time. I wanted to talk about what we were doing, but now I'm not sure ... what's the point? He will twist it regardless.


I just need clarity - is this abusive? Or am I intense? He always says stuff like "broken people can't see when they're being nasty" and directs it at me - have I been nasty? I do admit I asked about the Insta pic and was annoyed when he didn't pick me up. But I am not a generally nasty person - i do really care about others. I stay in contact with him because I feel bad for him (so am i really that nasty?)

My father said I am being overdramatic and that I must have pushed his buttons - is this the case?

And what do I do now?

Thank you so much for reading - this is so much longer than I thought it would be.

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ICantThinkOfAName

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Re: Was my ex-boyfriend BPD? How to proceed
« Reply #1 on: January 29, 2020, 08:52:43 PM »
I'm so sorry you are going through this.  Wow sounds like a roller coaster.  I appreciate that you have put things in that you have done that might have caused some issues.  Many people would have reacted to the jealously in a different way than your exbf did.  Not talking to you for 2 days is abusive.  We all say things we wish we could take back, but he is being extremely punitive when you make a mistake of this kind.  He is definitely insecure.  Believe him when he tells you he's damaged.  People don't lie about that.  They lie about being awesome, but never about being damaged.  And usually when they tell you that, it's a bit of a "proceed at your own risk, you've been warned" kind of a thing.  Not anything they want to fix.  His push pull behavior is crazy making. and I think he has pretty much told you who he is.  "what you think doesn't matter."  The leaving you in the car like a dog makes me think that he thinks of you as an item of property, not a person.  AND I'm sorry for your loss with your miscarriage.  That's an awful thing to go through and I'm sorry you didn't get any sympathy from him.  But take a look in the toolbox and I think you might see some personality traits he has in there and there are tools to deal with them.  You deserve love and respect and this relationship is not providing that.  Watch what he does, not what he says.  Keep reading here.

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BeautifulCrazy

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Re: Was my ex-boyfriend BPD? How to proceed
« Reply #2 on: January 29, 2020, 09:48:19 PM »
I don't know if your ex was PD but I can say with certainty that he WAS abusive and manipulative and you are much better off without him.
I am so so sorry you have been through all this.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Was my ex-boyfriend BPD? How to proceed
« Reply #3 on: January 30, 2020, 04:38:55 AM »
The silent treatment and the making you wait business are definitely abusive. When he makes you wait he shows you that you are less important than whatever he does at the moment. If you react with irritation to this message he can reprimand you for being selfish on top of showing you how unimportant you are.
It seems to me that he has learned the jargon and is able to twist things so that it ends up being your fault. You seem to do a lot of apologizing.
On the other side he does not seem to be as considerate and supportive of you judging from his behaviour after your miscarriage. And when you showed your vulnerability about your body to him, he floored you. A kind person would not do that.
I don't think you are overdramatic at all. I think you should take strong measures to learn better self protection if you are planning to have contact with him or guys like him in the future. Have you studied the toolbox?

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allsaints

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Re: Was my ex-boyfriend BPD? How to proceed
« Reply #4 on: January 31, 2020, 01:36:39 AM »
Coming on strong and going cold fast is a sign of attachment/intimacy issues. Heís also clearly insecure, highly defensive, and hypersensitive to criticism. And he has little or no insight.

No, you are not over dramatic. No, you are not nasty. No, you are not pushing his buttons. Youíre asking these questions because you have the ability to self-reflect. He does not.

Notice how heís accusing you of behaving exactly as he is? He is projecting. He is manufacturing chaos. He is creating doubt. He is behaving selfishly. He is self-sabatoging. These behaviors are textbook PD... but thatís besides the point. The fact of the matter is he is emotionally and psychologically abusing you. You need to protect yourself from him.
I would let this project go. Otherwise you are in for a world of hurt.  Iím sorry youíre going through this.

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scapegoatnumerouno

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Re: Was my ex-boyfriend BPD? How to proceed
« Reply #5 on: January 31, 2020, 01:43:57 PM »
I really hope you run away from this guy and never look back!

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GettingOOTF

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Re: Was my ex-boyfriend BPD? How to proceed
« Reply #6 on: January 31, 2020, 01:58:31 PM »
Itís been my experience that when someone tells you things like they canít believe someone as beautiful/smart/successful/popular etc. is with them they will eventually do something to put you in what they think is your place

Your story has many similarities to how I met my ex who was eventually, after years of hell, diagnosed with BPD.

Iíve dated a fair amount amount and honestly one of the biggest red flags Iíve noticed is when men are overly open about personal things early on. A second or third date is way too early to be talking about childhood trauma and crying. This is a ploy to illicit sympathy and attachment from you.

Iíve been doing a lot of reading about trauma bonding and attachment and Iím now really wary of any instant ďconnectionĒ. Instant intense connections are often trauma bonds playing out. When you read about people describing their abusive or unfaithful spouse the stories always star with what an intense and immediate connection they had.

I was very drawn to these connections and none of them ended well for me. Iíve done a lot of work on myself and changing my attachment style. Codependent No More really changed the way I view my relationships.

My experience of being in a relationship with someone with BPD was such that I would never let someone with BPD in to my life again, even as a friend.

The way I would, and did, proceed is by having no more contact with him and working on my own self worth.  Itís great that you are recognizing there was an issue and that you are here.

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ICantThinkOfAName

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Re: Was my ex-boyfriend BPD? How to proceed
« Reply #7 on: January 31, 2020, 04:13:25 PM »
GettingOOTF.  What great advice about the trauma bonding and getting too close to soon.  I never put it together but it makes perfect sense.  And damaged persons (such as myself) would see that as a connection and not a red flag. 

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littlepixie

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Re: Was my ex-boyfriend BPD? How to proceed
« Reply #8 on: February 01, 2020, 11:33:12 AM »
Thank you everyone for the advice. It's so helpful to read that it wasn't me making mountains out of molehills.

I definitely agree with your advice to cut him off. We were together the weekend just gone, and we spent lots of time talking and obviously ended up sleeping together. On Tuesday I asked whether I could call him because I wanted clarity on the situation. He told me he was away with his training team in Germany (but didn't have the decency to tell me over the weekend) - is that something to do with control? Like I wasn't worthy of knowing? Seems bizarre.

Anyway he text saying yes ring me tomorrow (weds) anytime in the day (is that a control thing as well, he always gave me specific times to call about issues)

I just haven't replied.

I am in a bad mental state at the minute. It's 230pm here in the UK and I have yet to get up or eat or wash. I feel numb and like sleeping all the time. Not because I miss him or I am grieving the relationship, but because I just feel completely perplexed at the whole thing. Is that normal?

I've been reading the toolbox, but hopefully me not replying will be the end of his efforts to keep in touch

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pinkslime

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Re: Was my ex-boyfriend BPD? How to proceed
« Reply #9 on: February 04, 2020, 12:46:56 PM »
"Rick, you aren't stupid, you are good with words, you know that words hurt and yet you still use the ones to hurt me the most.Ē

Heís calling you stupid in a roundabout way.

ďYou didnít even wish me good luck on my race.Ē After your miscarriage.

They say stupid stuff like this often and itís laughably insane.

Heís textbook BPD. Have you looked into birth control? Donít have kids with someone like this.

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littlepixie

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Re: Was my ex-boyfriend BPD? How to proceed
« Reply #10 on: February 04, 2020, 03:43:28 PM »
"Rick, you aren't stupid, you are good with words, you know that words hurt and yet you still use the ones to hurt me the most.Ē

Heís calling you stupid in a roundabout way.

ďYou didnít even wish me good luck on my race.Ē After your miscarriage.

They say stupid stuff like this often and itís laughably insane.

Heís textbook BPD. Have you looked into birth control? Donít have kids with someone like this.

Yes I am on birth control now. We won't be having sex again though.

He asked me over the weekend when I would be calling him (I'd asked in the week). I was in two minds because I was trying to stay out of contact. I eventually said what the call was about (the sleeping together) and he said call me tomorrow (which is today), but has since not been available to chat (obviously)

Seriously done.

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CharleyBiaggio

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Re: Was my ex-boyfriend BPD? How to proceed
« Reply #11 on: February 04, 2020, 04:24:27 PM »
Wow, I am so glad that I read this. I can totally relate. While it might not be exactly the same as my ex-girlfriend, it sounds like the same foundation.