Acting and seeming angry and saying "nothing is wrong"

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Jsinjin

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Acting and seeming angry and saying "nothing is wrong"
« on: January 30, 2020, 09:45:40 AM »
My uOcPDw exhibits this behavior all the time:  comes into a room to do something and the manner, behavior, expression, and intensity of her actions is like a furious shop teacher has come into the wood shop and found that the students ruined every piece of equipment and tool but when asked, "what's wrong" she relplies with mock shock and sweet surprise "absolutely nothing, why would anything be wrong?" .   An example would be kids are all awake and getting their stuff ready for school.   She comes into the kitchen and suddenly becomes a bashing complaining ball of anger, pulling things out of the fridge, smashing pots and pans together, angrily saying "excuse me!" if anyone is chatting and in her way and the tension is thick enough to flow out into our neighbor's house.    When the kids or I ask if there is anything we can do or if there is anything wrong this very sweet and over polite answer comes "no?   Nothing is wrong, why would you ask?   Everything is just fine😁" with a grin and deliberately kind voice.   

It's usually something like the apple juice bottle was in front of the milk or something like that but the behavior isn't really gaslighting, it's very clear she is angry and the longer you ignore it the closet it comes to nuclear explosion.   We have learned to get away and just ignore but the weird thing is she kind of follows us finding something needed and loud and  intense and angry in the other room or place.   

It's hard for me to characterize; it isn't a narcissistic trait like gaslighting or attention seeking; it's like this intense desire to show us how hurt and angry she is and at the same time try not to show us that she is hurt or angry.

Curious if anyone else sees this.

J
It is unwise to seek prominence in a field whose routine chores you do not enjoy.

-Wolfgang Pauli

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losingmyself

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Re: Acting and seeming angry and saying "nothing is wrong"
« Reply #1 on: January 30, 2020, 12:46:49 PM »
I don't know. I have always seen it as an attention getter. Maybe assertive chest-thumping, letting you know who's in charge kind of behavior.  It would be fun to record this behavior. 

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Poison Ivy

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Re: Acting and seeming angry and saying "nothing is wrong"
« Reply #2 on: January 30, 2020, 01:01:29 PM »
I think there are a lot of people, with and without personality disorders, who think it's wrong to admit their negative feelings (e.g., anger, frustration, sadness). But feelings have a way of coming out whether or not people want to acknowledge them.  I'm guessing that is what is going on with your wife, jsinjin.

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D.Dan

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Re: Acting and seeming angry and saying "nothing is wrong"
« Reply #3 on: January 30, 2020, 01:51:59 PM »
Both my uPDmom and my uPDex did this. My mom does this almost all the time.

To me, it's their passive-aggressive method of punishing me for their feelings in a deniable way.

The difference between my mom and my ex is that my ex seemed to want me to turn myself into a pretzel for him, while my mom seemed to "live for the battle".
So she would use this as a way to start a fight, offload her feelings and then blame me for it.
My ex on the other hand, seemed to use it as a way to s-l-o-w-l-y offload his feelings onto me while implying that if I did things "just right" he would feel better and everything would go back to normal. Like another way to prove how much I cared about him.

Also, both have told me at least once when I confronted each of them that they were punishing me for how they felt and wanted me to "Make Them Feel Better!"
« Last Edit: January 30, 2020, 01:54:51 PM by D.Dan »

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CagedBirdSinging

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Re: Acting and seeming angry and saying "nothing is wrong"
« Reply #4 on: February 01, 2020, 12:16:04 PM »
Yes my pdH does this all the time. Other upd people I know do this too. It's passive aggressive, attention seeking, power game. Makes them feel in control because everyone else scrambling around trying to figure out what's wrong. Sorry you have to deal with this rubbish.

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GettingOOTF

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Re: Acting and seeming angry and saying "nothing is wrong"
« Reply #5 on: February 01, 2020, 01:28:02 PM »
I think this behavior is common in PD and non-PD people. Its the behavior of someone who cannot communicate their needs and emotions so is frustrated and acting out the only way they know how.

In an ideal world we would all be able to clearly and calmly express our emotions, but most of us cannot so we lash out in hurtful and unproductive ways.

Not every behavior we dont like in our PD partner/family member is a PD behavior. I know I attributed everything I didnt like about my BPdxHs behavior to his BPD, but honestly some of it was a totally valid reaction to the situation and to things Id said or done.

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CagedBirdSinging

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Re: Acting and seeming angry and saying "nothing is wrong"
« Reply #6 on: February 03, 2020, 10:29:38 AM »
Gettingootf, yes but it's about the frequency and severity of these episodes. Sure, non-pds display this behaviour sometimes too. But I think pds take passive aggressive anger to an extreme, displaying this behaviour on a frequent, unrelenting basis, and keeping it up for hours or even days, weeks at a time. That's the difference.

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blunk

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Re: Acting and seeming angry and saying "nothing is wrong"
« Reply #7 on: February 03, 2020, 02:11:43 PM »
I found myself doing something similar to this with my BPDxh. However, it was not when I was angry, but instead when I was sad or hurt. There came a point when showing any kind of emotion or vulnerability just didn't feel safe.

He also had a pattern of trying to tell me what I was thinking or feeling (things like I hated him, or I was sad because he caught me cheating - which never happened), which was extremely frustrating...how do you prove that you're not thinking something? Yet he would accuse me of the same when I said that he seemed angry. I don't feel that it's a far reach to say someone seems angry when they are yelling, raging, throwing random objects, or punching walls.

So sorry you have to deal with this.