Figured out a trigger

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Call Me Cordelia

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Figured out a trigger
« on: January 31, 2020, 11:22:40 AM »
The email chain I referred to in another thread was majorly triggering to me. I went to bed angry about it and woke up still angry. It took me a while to figure out exactly why I was reacting so strongly, since it was very obvious that this other person had the issue.

The discussion was about a childrenís organization we both are volunteers for, for context. A couple of other people were part of this chain.

It was the implication that I was controlling/had unrealistically high standards and was setting kids up to fail that got my goat. In fact this person demonstrated all of that herself in the discussion and at our last meeting, and I had made concrete suggestions to the exact opposite purpose just before.

I work very hard at not being those things (being raised that way) and my parents would do something similar to me.  Paint me with undesirable traits that completely don't match reality, that are in fact their own. Often covertly, like in the email discussion. Micromanage me for much milder versions of their very obvious faults. They as a unit could do no wrong.

Ex. Mom would berate me that I was exactly like my father whenever I showed the slightest impatience no matter the provocation, yet she made excuses for his regular rages over nothing.

I set a bar I believe based on reason to be healthy with children in my care, fully expecting that we will have episodes of concupiscence along the way and we can deal with that. I'm satisfied with that. Whatever this other person tries to scapegoat me with.

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Penny Lane

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Re: Figured out a trigger
« Reply #1 on: February 03, 2020, 12:09:34 PM »
Sorry you encountered this behavior out in the wild (so to speak). It's basically gaslighting - trying to get you to believe the opposite of the truth. And a bit of projection.

If nothing else, the PDs in our lives definitely teach us the kinds of behaviors we don't want to be around, ever!

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: Figured out a trigger
« Reply #2 on: February 03, 2020, 04:04:16 PM »
Thanks. We werenít agreeing on something and it was clear she was trying to get her way by these antics.

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StayWithMe

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Re: Figured out a trigger
« Reply #3 on: February 03, 2020, 05:49:47 PM »
There have been a couple times in life in which I had to deal with lies in the workplace or otherwise negative opinions of me.

I wish I could go back in time and explore whether legal means to manage the situation would be useful.  I didn't do it at the time because my parents always told me that I would be called a troublemaker   and afterwards  it would follow me everywhere.

But now when I think about it, it might be nice to learn that upon receiving a letter from your lawyer they either shut up or fight you in court.  Cordelia, you have something in writing and you have proof that other people have seen it. 

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: Figured out a trigger
« Reply #4 on: February 04, 2020, 08:39:38 AM »
Iím sorry you encountered that SWM. I completely understand the fear of rocking the boat... isnít that fear exactly what our pwpd rely on to get away with their shenanigans?

Happily in my situation I donít think it worked. I asked for help from someone who was able to put an end to the whole ridiculous thing.

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SparkStillLit

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Re: Figured out a trigger
« Reply #5 on: February 08, 2020, 11:56:07 AM »
Hey, this is just what updh does to myself and the kids. He is a big proponent of sweeping under the rug and not rocking the boat, and he'll make these dire predictions and even uses a dire voice "you'll be labeled" "you'll be singled out" "kids will go after you" "legal will go after you" "they'll make a paper trail on you"
You get the idea. Dd just won't be silenced, but DS and I have been, and the few times I have stood up and spoken out (at work for horrible horrible things), he has made a huge stink at home. Not really backing me like he said, but shifting between berating and agreeing. Very mind boggling.
Leading to my not really taking a stand anywhere, and allowing steamrolling. People "in the wild" (lol) do notice and take advantage.
It's a behavior that really takes a LOT of mindfulness and work not to default to, for me.