Confused by friendís behaviour

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Janegiraffe

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Confused by friendís behaviour
« on: January 31, 2020, 06:19:38 PM »
Iím feeling very confused by a friendís behaviour and am wondering if she has a personality disorder.  Iíve known her for a long time but have never spent more than a couple of hours with her at once.  Coffee and a walk, talk about our relationships kind of thing.  Iíve also invited her to my place to have dinner with me and my husband.  Heís Aspergers and she somehow knows how to set him at his ease and get him chatting.  We, he and l, were planning a long road trip in autumn and I asked him how heíd feel about her coming with us for a week of the three weeks.  Ok with him so we invited her.  She was interested and had a few questions.  E.g. Would we share a room in hotels? I was taken aback and assumed she was asking because she  needed to save money.  I said, Oh, if the hotel is expensive, I guess we could share. When my husband was planning the trip, he realized that sharing would be a great money saver, so pushed for it.  I was never that happy about it because I need space  at the end of the day, a break from social interactions. I knew too that Iíd want to have definite boundaries in the shared room, no lolling around semi naked, and  l made it clear to my husband that this was my expectation of him.   On the second day, in the car she passed me a clipping from a sex advice column, a woman writing in, describing how her kink was that her husband have sex with another woman.  She said l must read it and decide what l want ďto implantĒ.  I was taken aback and felt very anxious.  After a while l told  myself that l was safe and that I didnít have to do anything I didnít want to do.  I just wanted to pretend the whole thing had not happened so passed it back to her with a neutral comment that there were a lot of varieties of sexual behaviour out there.  She replied in similar fashion.  A night or so later she came out of the shower in very short pj shorts ending at the very top of the thigh and half reclined on the bed with her legs apart and her knees in the air.  A very suggestive posture.  My husband didnít even notice being too busy planning the next days route.  After a week she left us, as planned. It felt like a huge relief.  Since we got back a few months ago she has repeatedly tried to set up visits with my husband and me, or with me and l have said Iím too busy.  I honestly feel that our values arenít  the same at all.  I feel she violated some boundaries on the trip or at least created ambiguity around boundaries when it was wiser for her to allow no ambiguity to arise at all.   In spite of my not wanting to get together, she has persisted in asking me, and has also not ever asked me what the problem is, why am l avoiding her?    I find her behaviour very confusing and I really just do not want to see her anymore.  Then I feel guilty that Iím dropping her and the friendship, and question myself about it.  It feels very tangled to me but I feel better when I accept that I donít want to be with her or be her friend and that I can give myself permission not to feel guilty about withdrawing.

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Penny Lane

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Re: Confused by friendís behaviour
« Reply #1 on: January 31, 2020, 06:31:43 PM »
Hi and welcome!

I'm sorry you went through this. It sounds very off-putting and troubling.

I can't tell you specifically if she has a PD. What I can tell you is that it sounds to me like your gut is telling you to back away from her, that it won't be good for you if you stay friends with her. Listen to your gut! Your gut knows! She is not owed your friendship, and you are not obligated to continue to hang out with someone who makes you feel this way.

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Janegiraffe

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Re: Confused by friendís behaviour
« Reply #2 on: January 31, 2020, 07:36:10 PM »
Thank you for taking the time to reply.  I appreciate it.  Helps me to find the courage to go with my gut feeling.  ;)

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BeautifulCrazy

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Re: Confused by friendís behaviour
« Reply #3 on: January 31, 2020, 07:50:33 PM »
Absolutely go with your gut here.
Have you actually said to her that you aren't interested in continuing the friendship? Or are you just brushing off plans?
You aren't in any way obligated to be her friend.
You have no reason to feel guilty about withdrawing.
You simply aren't compatible. Period. Just like if you were dating someone you decided you did not like.
You aren't obligated to have a reason for terminating the friendship either. If it makes you more comfortable, you can come up with something
- It just isn't working out.
- I don't feel we have enough in common
- I am focusing my attention elsewhere
If you do this though, you have to be absolutely firm that this is the end and not communicate with her anymore or you could fall prey to your own guilt.
If you feel she is going to keep trying to draw you in to interacting (a common thing with PDs), you might want to block her from calling / texting you.
Her feelings and her thoughts = her stuff, not your responsibility.

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Janegiraffe

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Re: Confused by friendís behaviour
« Reply #4 on: February 01, 2020, 12:06:55 PM »
Thank you.  I realize part of my confusion is that she gives confusing  messages.  I have a need for clarity to bring closure to the trip episode and the friendship, but I shouldnít be expecting to find clarity in her behaviour.  I have to live with that her behaviour is confusing.  That is the clarity for me.  Living with ambiguity.  I have brushed off her overtures saying Iím too busy with grandchildren but if she ever asks for more explanation, I will say that our lives are just on different trajectories right now and thatís that.  Happy to hear from you!  Thank you!

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clara

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Re: Confused by friendís behaviour
« Reply #5 on: February 02, 2020, 02:06:38 PM »
I suspect this is a case of mixed signals.  You didn't really know her all that well, and then invited her to spend some time with you and your husband on vacation.  If anything tests (and ruins) friendships, it's taking vacation together, and this can happen even with close friendships.  So, sounds like she read the invitation one way when you meant it the other.  I've known people who try to read sexual content into even the most benign relationships, and that's just the way they are.  Again, you weren't close enough to her to know how she really was, or how she'd react to your invitation.  And honestly, if she couldn't read your discomfort with her behavior, she isn't trying to learn--she's behaving how she wants without respect to you or your husband.  For that alone, I'd go serious MC or even NC, if possible, because she's probably not going to change or ever understand what she did was inappropriate and how she crossed boundaries.  Unfortunately, often trying to explain goes nowhere, so then you have to evaluate whether or not the relationship is worth maintaining.  She may try such behavior again, or she may not, but do you really want to deal with it?   

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Janegiraffe

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Re: Confused by friendís behaviour
« Reply #6 on: February 04, 2020, 03:24:50 PM »
I thought l knew her well!  ;). There were some warning signs but I didnít clue into that they were indicative of her whole personality and that on vacation thereíd be more red flags that she is on the make, has a utilitarian attitude to other  people.  This is even apart from the two ďIím available, are you?Ēincidents I described. She snapped at me impatiently once, over a small issue, in a way I would never speak to a friend.  She treated a wait person in a pub in a very pushy insistent harassing way.  She became unreasonably  intense towards us during a discussion on whether itís ethical for doctors to accept treats/kickbacks from big pharm.  All of these and the sex stuff are red flags to me.   And before the trip she was kind of joking about the room sharing with some friends, and it was quite funny, but I did say clearly, ďNo musical beds!Ē  Maybe she didnít hear me.  Iíve decided our values are very different.  We are in one social circle together and Iíve decided to limit contact to just that.  Basically acquaintances only from now on, not friends and no other contact.  Thank you for your input and support.

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Janegiraffe

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Re: Confused by friendís behaviour
« Reply #7 on: February 04, 2020, 03:27:14 PM »
NC is no contact, but what is MC?  TIA.

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BeautifulCrazy

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Re: Confused by friendís behaviour
« Reply #8 on: February 04, 2020, 05:27:02 PM »
MC is Medium Chill.
Look it up in the Toolbox. It's a really great technique to use if you can't go No Contact.

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Janegiraffe

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Re: Confused by friendís behaviour
« Reply #9 on: February 05, 2020, 12:09:23 AM »
Cool, I mean, chill!  I thought it meant a Minimum Contact!  ;)