I poked the bear

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moglow

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Re: I poked the bear
« Reply #20 on: February 09, 2020, 09:56:38 AM »
Yesterday was my birthday and not a peep out of mother. I'm not hurt or disappointed, actually not even surprised. I don't remember the last time I actually saw her on my birthday, but I know I last saw her on her 80th, almost two years ago.

She's made a few comments here and there about me not calling (I've sent cards the past few years), was openly angry when I went on a retreat the weekend of her birthday last year. I wouldn't have visited any way, and the chances of her actually answering the phone are slim to nonexistent. And that retreat was heavenly!!

In the back of my mind I hear her voice - now you know how it feels to have someone not care. Um no, I already knew. I learned that one waaaaaaay back. This was just petty and small minded, her trying to prove a point "well I didn't hear from you on MINE last year ..." Yeah, ya did. I just didn't do what you expected.

It'd be funny if it weren't so damn petty and spiteful.  This is my mother - isnt she a prize.

"Expectations are disappointments under construction.”  ~ Cap'n Spanky

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: I poked the bear
« Reply #21 on: February 09, 2020, 10:21:57 AM »
It's very sad and if your inner child is feeling wounded and needs some tender care please be sure to check in on her. It would be a normal reaction. I'm sorry and hope today is better.
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moglow

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Re: I poked the bear
« Reply #22 on: February 09, 2020, 10:30:50 AM »
It's sad, Spring, but not as hurtful as I'm sure she intended. It's just another brick in the wall she's built here. I can hear all her justifications now ... THAT is the sad part, that she never freakin grew up.

It's all so unnecessary.

"Expectations are disappointments under construction.”  ~ Cap'n Spanky

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Bloomie

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Re: I poked the bear
« Reply #23 on: February 09, 2020, 12:01:37 PM »
Moglow - silence is just as toxic as verbal abuse in these circumstances.  I will always believe that silence and invalidation like you are experiencing on a day when you deserve to rightfully be celebrated is a targeted undermining and punitive and can be crazy making and tangle us up if we allow it to penetrate our inner defenses.  :'(

My greatest hope is that you were/are able to find personal refreshment and distance from a woman who collects perceived wrongs instead of building love and connection with her beautiful child. :hug:

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moglow

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Re: I poked the bear
« Reply #24 on: February 09, 2020, 12:34:34 PM »
Petty mo wants to send a text - You made your point, mommie dearest. I wish you joy of it.

I won't, but the gritted-teeth desire to smack back is most certainly there. She always seem to find a new lower level petty to sink to, it never ceases to amaze me.
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.”  ~ Cap'n Spanky

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MamaDryad

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Re: I poked the bear
« Reply #25 on: February 09, 2020, 05:33:58 PM »
Ugh.  Just what audience are these texts playing to?  They almost sound like some Facebook drama/manipulation that others are reading.

This is a good question and something I've often wondered with my own mother (who does not do social media at all-- small mercies!). I think that some PDs are always playing to an invisible audience, arguing to an invisible jury. With my mother, it's also a jury whose memory resets with every new communication, so if she can just tell the story her way, that will be what's real. It's truly maddening.

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moglow

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Re: I poked the bear
« Reply #26 on: February 10, 2020, 09:43:52 AM »
She's mad (according to explosion with brother #2) - thought I was in town helping him with a legal issue and didn't tell her. She sees me as picking sides (there are "sides" here??) and clearly I'm not on hers. I was/am helping him where I'm able, but wasn't in her town at any point.

Again, what her issues with others have to do with me, I have no idea. Drama. All a pack of drama, and all of her own invention.
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.”  ~ Cap'n Spanky

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SparkStillLit

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Re: I poked the bear
« Reply #27 on: February 10, 2020, 09:56:25 AM »
Gee, I had to tell my son "this isn't sides, it's family" because updh was bugging him in that way. What IS it with them and sides!!!
Updh wasn't saying it directly but was trying to divide us all up into sides (divide and conquer? Really?)

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moglow

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Re: I poked the bear
« Reply #28 on: February 10, 2020, 10:21:30 AM »
One of mother's favorites, divide and conquer. She  doesn't get that some things don't involve her whatsoever, yet she's still trying to insert herself in some way.


And she wonders why she has no relationships with her children ...
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.”  ~ Cap'n Spanky

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moglow

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Re: I poked the bear
« Reply #29 on: February 13, 2020, 03:47:28 PM »
I'm petty mo today and I'm owning it. I sent a snotty text to mommie dearest, told her I thought it was petty and spiteful of her to completely disregard and ignore my birthday because she's mad at someone else. Basically I'm not sure what message she'd intended, but one was definitely received. It went straight downhill from there, her claiming she sent a card several days before my birthday [never saw it and still haven't], then flinging at me that on her last birthday I went on a retreat. [I did and it was wonderful! I also sent her a card ahead of time because I knew I wouldn't be able to call from there. I tried to reach her several times the next day on my drive home but she refused to answer or return my calls.]

She then sent a picture of a card and envelope addressed to me [?!!] that she says she'd sent to one of my cousins. Huh?  :unsure: [what.the actual - who DOES that??] She dipped further into accusations that there have been "a lot of lies [told] about a lot of things" [nope, no fucking clue what THAT is about, just another rendition of oft-repeated vagueness]. So now I'm a liar. Right, good move. Deflect. Attack. Accuse. And repeated "did you get the card or not??"  Um, clearly I didn't and I've already said so, thus MY petty bs here. No card, text, call or carrier pigeon. Nada. THEN I'm told I need to do something constructive instead of being destructive. Um, hello pot kettle!!

But she's mad. Blazing mad, because ...? I called her on it? Because I dared speak my mind? Me - I'm not mad. Resigned with her and disgusted with myself for even opening this cesspool.  [replacing lid and backing quietly away]

I know - I was wrong. I should have been an adult and let it go. This time I just refused - and REALLY didn't appreciate being called a liar yet again. If you're gonna do that you better be fucking well ready to back it up with specifics, not hit and run!

And we don't have a decent relationship because ...?  :Idunno:


"Expectations are disappointments under construction.”  ~ Cap'n Spanky

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practical

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Re: I poked the bear
« Reply #30 on: February 13, 2020, 11:12:07 PM »
Sorry for more heart break. There is a saying VividImagination used to have as a tagline that I try to live by when dealing with people who won't quit/change trying to make your life miserable:

"I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it." (George Bernhard Shaw)
“If I’m not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when I’m only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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moglow

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Re: I poked the bear
« Reply #31 on: February 16, 2020, 01:21:52 PM »
Sent mother an apology for the hurt I caused, she didn't even acknowledge it. Guess we've commenced silent treat - and yes I'm okay with that. I don't want to talk to or hear from her.

Mother doesn't have any decency or compassion other than that directed to and for her only. She refused to accept responsibility for anything she's said or done. She's completely oblivious to how she treats others. Seems to revel in it as her due. I suppose in her mind, it really is.

There's a lesson here, for all of us. Listen to those small clear voices inside when all is quiet, when you're relaxed and at peace. Don't fight or disregard them. They will steer you right. Fighting against what you know to be true will only cause chaos and hurt.
« Last Edit: February 16, 2020, 01:23:31 PM by moglow »
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.”  ~ Cap'n Spanky

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Bloomie

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Re: I poked the bear
« Reply #32 on: February 17, 2020, 08:01:14 AM »
Moglow - I think she told you why she's mad... even though you did acknowledge her last bday you also were busy living your life and she was not your first priority. :dramaqueen:

Sent mother an apology for the hurt I caused, she didn't even acknowledge it. Guess we've commenced silent treat - and yes I'm okay with that. I don't want to talk to or hear from her.

Mother doesn't have any decency or compassion other than that directed to and for her only. She refused to accept responsibility for anything she's said or done. She's completely oblivious to how she treats others. Seems to revel in it as her due. I suppose in her mind, it really is.

There's a lesson here, for all of us. Listen to those small clear voices inside when all is quiet, when you're relaxed and at peace. Don't fight or disregard them. They will steer you right. Fighting against what you know to be true will only cause chaos and hurt.

I am really sorry this brought more painful realizations. Here's to us all trusting those wise voices that have our best interest at heart. Thank you for the reminder. I needed to hear this today. :hug:

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xredshoesx

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Re: I poked the bear
« Reply #33 on: February 17, 2020, 04:11:30 PM »
i'm just so sorry it played out to this girl.   i'm still shaking my noggin about her being mad because you went away on HER birthday...... 


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moglow

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Re: I poked the bear
« Reply #34 on: February 17, 2020, 04:28:01 PM »
Quote
i'm still shaking my noggin about her being mad because you went away on HER birthday...... 

Yeah, even more so when you consider on her birthday before that, we (brother and i) struggled to find topics of conversation with her. The whole time we talked about things we did as kids - she had no clue. She drew a complete blank, but brought up a few oft-repeated incidents that supposedly reflected badly on/to her. It was painful really, how little she knows even about our childhood.

Even then, that was the first birthday I'd been with her in YEARS. And then she picked it apart afterwards finding "fault", left no desire to repeat the experience.

Am I going away on her birthday *this* year? Why yes, I believe I will!!
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.”  ~ Cap'n Spanky

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sandpiper

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Re: I poked the bear
« Reply #35 on: February 21, 2020, 07:09:19 PM »
Once again I've arrived late. Sending hugs and belated happy birthday wishes to you, Mo.
 :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
I forget, sometimes, the psychological safety and the logic of the world that I now walk around in. It's now 15 years of NC with my sisters and I miss who they once were, since they spiralled down the rabbit-hole of untreated PTSD into *functional* substance abuse/dependence and they began to settle into so many of the behaviours that our parents considered normal and which I've struggled to break away from.
It's like stepping Out of the FOG and the quicksand into the light of a gentle landscape. Looking back, it's hard to imagine why the people still trapped inside that FOG can't do the work to lift the clouds, life is so rewarding and satisfying when you aren't lost in the smog and constantly tripping over those invisible *traps*.
I get why you needed to try.
Xoxoxoxoxox

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sandpiper

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Re: I poked the bear
« Reply #36 on: February 21, 2020, 07:22:30 PM »
Mo - I meant to suggest a book, just for the pure enjoyment of reading a story from one of *us* - someone who gets it. I can't remember if I've mentioned this before, but I loved 'The Erratics' by Vicki Laveau-Harvie. It won the Stella prize here in Oz last year & I met her a couple of times at author events. She is The Goods.  Look for it, she has a grace and a humour about dealing with the Rabbit Hole that warmed the spikey little cockles on my heart xxx

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moglow

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Re: I poked the bear
« Reply #37 on: February 22, 2020, 01:02:18 PM »
Thank you, sandpiper! I'll have to look her up, sounds like something up my alley.

Doing a lot of thinking these days - just came off a long pet sitting gig in the best house. It was tucked back in a quiet neighborhood, very peaceful and healing there actually. Ive had a bad cold that's not easy to shake off but that kind of enforced isolation seemed to soothe me somehow. House is built around a courtyard - a waterfall feature spilled off into the pool so the sound of water and breezes blowing wind chimes was pretty much the only sound other than purring of a cat and occasional dog bark. Anyway, both pets were easy and loving, quick to snuggle and glad to see me at the end of the day.

I understand that mother doesn't want reason or resolution. She just wants a mad, so she can spew all over her victim of choice. And she wants it whenever she wants for as long as she wants, until she doesnt. Then you're supposed to be okay with that mindless sweeping under the tattered rug of her mind.

I've also realized I'm not the victim I used to be - I don't cower under it and beg her, I don't turn myself inside out to appease her. I'm not that person anymore, far from it. I'm the mean nasty because I challenge her, call her on the stupidity of it all. I stand up for myself and refuse to be her victim, refuse to swallow whatever she dishes out. How galling that must be for her!!

I'm gonna be okay, better than okay really. I know this now. It's painful and numbing at times, but I'll be better for it. I'd much rather share THIS me than her predecessors!
« Last Edit: February 22, 2020, 01:19:22 PM by moglow »
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.”  ~ Cap'n Spanky

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sandpiper

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Re: I poked the bear
« Reply #38 on: February 22, 2020, 03:04:11 PM »
A bit of zen in the surrounds is good for the soul, hey.
You know, I think that sometimes cycling back into the cray-cray to test the waters and see if the relationship can be any less toxic can lead to some positives. And that's it, isn't it, the realisation that the PD FOO may still be caught up in that cycle of the Karpman Drama Triangle of Victim/persecutor/saviour that is utterly without any kind of self-reflection, insight or growth - but we've changed.
I remember the sadness that I felt decades ago when I realised that my FOO didn't see any need for change. They would happily continue to think that they knew it all, were doing just fine and a bit better than most really, and that if someone inside the family wasn't coping it was because they just needed to shut the hell up, toe the line, drink the kool-aid, stop making life difficult...you know the drill.
I remember how hard it was when I first started learning about boundaries. It was so uncomfortable because the boundaries that had been modelled to me were 'It's my way or the highway' and I felt like I was floundering, trying to learn about boundaries and how to have respectful relationships.
I remember one thread years ago where a stack of us said 'wouldn't it be wonderful if there was a recovery guide-book' - because some days it sure as hell seems like the PDs have a playbook that they all follow, so why shouldn't there be a one-size fits all guide to recovery.
But it's different for all of us and I've come to realise that it's because we all get damaged in different ways.
I learn something every time I come here.
Even if it's just a simple reminder of just how damaged my PD FOO are, and that the progress that I've made in the last three decades towards recovering from that has done so much good for me, but the other side of that is that it's widened the chasm between us, and perhaps that's something that I can't bridge now, because of how that distance has grown, and my capacity to stretch myself that thin is something I can and will no longer do.
Does that make me inflexible or have I finally learned to be self-protective?
Maybe neither of those judgments apply. Maybe I've just learned how to have good relationships and I suck at engaging with the bad ones.
When I started therapy I thought that one day I'd have the skills to navigate any kind of BS.
I don't think that, now. These days I tend to think that the value of all my time in T has been to teach me to trust my nose and steer clear of destructive relationships. I don't think there is a way to engage with someone with a PD on any kind of intimate level, if they aren't willing to at least try to work on themselves, because you'll always get drawn back into their ways of resolving conflict - which is essentially about escalating it.
I'm glad you had some peaceful time to reflect, Mo. Nature & animals always helps me, too.

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: I poked the bear
« Reply #39 on: February 22, 2020, 11:34:20 PM »
Moglow, what you're dealing with, with your mother is awful and I wish you much strength.

I just want to mention that your post that speaks of your mother needing "a mad in reserve" really struck me.

That's such a great way to describe it.

I know that my pds are always fishing for information about me that they can twist into something unrecogisable and then throw at me in the form of an accusation at some later date.

But I also know that they seem to seeth and seeth, gradually getting to bursting point where they have to let it out.

That's when the "mad" happens.  The information they've caught in their various fishing trips is the subject of the "mad".

Thanks for putting that into words. I love the term!

AOD