I poked the bear

[moglow]

So yeah, I'm dredging this mess back up, simply to update. Brother who lives closest to mommie dearest asked me to text something to her - some attachment to an email, he doesn't have internet access right now and wanted her to read this thing. Against my better judgment I did. I get the uber perky chirpy gooey response I should have expected, thank you SOOOO much for thinking of me etc etc  .

Translation: She's had about a month of silence and I suppose she thought that was time enough for me to have moved on. And she has a new disaster on which to cast blame for everything awkward and uncomfortable in her life so she can feel better about how she treats people. Still not a farking clue that I'm neither a broom nor a rug and I'm not sweeping under anymore. I simply refuse to discuss anything of any substance with her any further. It's not worth my time nor air.

But wait, there's more! The next morning she texts to tell me she needed to explain to me why she's buying [frozen delivery meals] now - literally told me they're packed with seasonings and nutrition and it's so hard for her, standing to cook. [It's ALSO packed with sodium and preservatives and chemicals AND that gets expensive really quick when that's your sole source of food, but you get on with your bad self.] I didn't ask for or require an explanation. You do you - the fact that I think that's an incredibly bad idea on several levels, I'm not voicing to her. She has two perfectly good grocery stores within a mile either direction and a couple of good farmers markets where she can get local produce, but no.

Once again, she's glossing over the whole froufrou of a month ago, where she made it abundantly clear she's going to do what she's going to do and is going to go outer limits should anyone dare attempt to redirect or God help us, talk it out and head a better direction! I'm not ya buddy. I'm honestly not concerned with your choices. It's not my stuff and I'm not allowing it to be my stuff.
That teeny voice in the back of my mind says again, "mo, you asked her to let you know when's a good time to talk and she hasn't. She's not going to because she thinks this is some kind of game to you, as it is for her. She's in it for the entertainment of it all." We know this, and the new mo doesn't live there anymore. The old mo would sweep under the rugs as demanded and play like all is okay until the next explosion. The new mo - she doesn't really care or want any apart of any explosion or icky sweetness.

So - yay me. Progress.

[MyLifeToo]

Thanks for refreshing the thread Mo. I haven't been on much recently so I'm glad to have seen it, and I'm sorry to read about your problems. I wish you strength to continue with your progress. Yay you!

What scares me about this thread is that my unpdM always insists that it's me who had the problem. Am I the one with the pd? She wants to talk things through, be grown up, resolve the issues. All the top psychologists have told her that you have to talk things through in order to resolve any issues. It's me who says that the only way we can continue any sort of relationship is to put things behind us, and live in the moment. She accuses me of wanting to sweep it all under the carpet, and I say putting the past behind us is the only thing that is going to work if she wants me to continue to help her. My reasoning is that she never listens, takes no responsibility for any part of the problem - it's a circular argument that would co on onto infinity and beyond! She accuses me of lying and forgetting, and I say the same about her. I know it's gaslighting, but could it be me that's lighting the gas? 

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I wish I'd known about npd years ago and made my escape while she was younger and more capable. Now she's old and frail and the humanity in me doesn't want to (is afraid to?) abandon her.

[moglow]

What scares me about this thread is that my unpdM always insists that it's me who had the problem. Am I the one with the pd?

Okay, I'll play - what if you DO have a PD? Believing that she/they do, doesn't preclude the possibility that we may also have a PD or at least have traits. And? I'm fairly confident that you've at the very least looked at yourself and seen things you don't like [who among us hasn't?], and taken steps to understand why you do the things you do. That puts you several steps ahead of the curve - awareness and acceptance of your own responsibility in the dance! NONE of us are perfect or beyond redemption as long as we continue to reach out for help and input, take others' words and views under consideration. And every one of us have or will say or do things we wish we hadnt - know what we do then? We apologize. We try to make amends and change our behavior.

She wants to talk things through, be grown up, resolve the issues. ... It's me who says that the only way we can continue any sort of relationship is to put things behind us, and live in the moment. She accuses me of wanting to sweep it all under the carpet, and I say putting the past behind us is the only thing that is going to work if she wants me to continue to help her.

Another limb I'll step out on - Maybe you don't want to get into it because it's the same old-same old, you getting battered for things that you have/had no control over or maybe even were a child and those things still continue to get thrown in your face? Speaking for myself, that's a whole shit-ton of what I've received, and pretty much what I got when I started this thread. MAYBE you just don't want a repeat performance?

And my "favorite" because it's so painfully familiar:

My reasoning is that she never listens, takes no responsibility for any part of the problem - it's a circular argument that would go on onto infinity and beyond! She accuses me of lying and forgetting, and I say the same about her. I know it's gaslighting, but could it be me that's lighting the gas? 

Put down that stick you're beating yourself with. Do it now. Consider that she has the only version of the truth she's willing to accept. Like mine I believe, a whole lot of what's wrong in her life and her relationships are the other people, never her stuff. She can choose to believe that all she wants, but it doesn't change things: "talking it out" with her is likely just another grand opportunity for her to kitchen sink her limitless grievances and annoyances onto you. And before you know it, she wants to talk it out again and again. It's like the vent on a pressure cooker, only you/we're the one who gets cooked.

MyLife, I'm tellin' ya, we believe these awful and painful things about ourselves because our mothers told us so. The one person we've been told ad nauseum loves us unconditionally and only wants the best for us has told us repeatedly exactly what she thinks and feels. Yes, I know that deep down that's likely what she thinks and feels about herself, but that's HER STUFF. She's choosing to do nothing about her negativity and spite, holding on to ancient grievances. Her. Stuff. Listen to YOUR inner voices, the ones that tell you you're good and worthy and deserve better. Listen to your friends and loved ones who actually respond to you with warmth and kindness. Don't shut yourself off and away, believing all her stuff - find your people if you haven't already!

[MyLifeToo]

Tremendous insight Mo. Thank you for your detailed reply. And your last sentence, wow: yes I DO shut myself off and away, especially during the times when she's being mean and spiteful. I need to get over that, once corona has gone away that is.

[moglow]

Reach out now, even if only by text or calls  - others are lonely and hurting, scared or even just bored. Lay a foundation, find mutual interests, seek out people with kind hearts and giving minds. Change that chemistry and the habits we've developed. Do it for others and it becomes part of you.