Planning for his bad behavior on a trip

[Fae Greenwood]

I am going on a wonderful trip this summer and it's MY trip. I've wanted to do this for years and I'm doing it. Every other trip is uNPFh's and I let him make the plans because he'll ignore me anyway and I'll find a way to have fun  but this is my trip with a group I'm involved with and MY plans. It's a longer trip and having him come along is truly the lesser of two evils. I am giving him all the info and trying to consult him about some of it because it is the right thing to do but he won't remember and he'll be angry so there is that. And yes, I anticipate an epic meltdown in his attempt to humiliate me in front of my acquaintances and I'm mentally prepping for that too. If he decides to be "ill" or "injured" before the trip I fully intend to leave without him. If he's "ill" or "injured" on the trip, I intend to send him home. Alone. Part of it is a cruise. I plan to pose for some  photos alone so I have pictures of me without him. If he doesn't want to get off the ship early enough (a game he's played before) so that a port is wasted, too bad, I'm getting off when I want and showing up early for any activities I want to attend. I'm not catering to his whims on this trip.

And the real irony of this is that I did a shorter version of this about ten years ago. We had a few conversations before we left that this wasn't his trip, it was mine and the kids' trip. We'd actually planned to go on our own. We were going to see certain things and we would set the pace for the trip but we wanted him to have fun too so if he was coming along he had to stick to our planned activities but we'd plan more hints just for him too. Yet I still had to deal with crazy dude literally screaming at the sky because he didn't like the weather.  I had to deal with him arguing over our schedule until he suddenly grasped that I would simply tell our kids that Daddy wasn't going with us today and he'd be at the unit without a vehicle. He wanted me to cook all our food in our timeshare even though I'd clearly said "Fae isn't cooking more than a few meals on this trip because she's on vacation too" and howled about the cost of eating out even though that was all paid for with money he knew I'd saved on the side for years. Yet when we got home, he talked about how much fun the trip had been and took credit for it. So if past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, I need to have a plan.

I just hate that everything is a battle, but I am going to have fun this summer!

[notrightinthehead]

Oh gosh! I wish you strength! Keep posting before you overflow and crack! Practise mindfulness and breathing and relaxation that you will remember medium chill and grey rock. And stick to your plans, just as you are planning to do. If he is anything like my NPDh, he will use all the boycotting tools you anticipate already and more that you have not yet thought of. I wish you your own personal protective force shield!

[bloomie]

Fae - very exciting that you are taking a trip you have wanted to for so long! It seems like you have a realistic expectation for your H's behaviors. I like your plan! It's a good one. Have so much fun in your continued planning and may the force be with you as you go!

Let us know how things are coming along as you are able!

[NumbLotus]

Make sure you have all tickets, cash, keys, IDs, etc on hand at all times so you're not stuck.

Shower first in the morning so he can't hog the bathroom and make you late.

[Findingmyvoice]

This is great to hear!
It's exhausting trying to anticipate and plan for a partner that will sabotage at every turn!!
I was never very good at this, I would just cave and change plans to fit exBPDw's whims.
Towards the end, I became better at just living and enjoying outings, leaving her behind if she wouldn't get out of bed or was "ill" or "injured". It seemed like it was always something.
This normally resulted in glares, pouting, silent treatment, keeping me up all night or some other sort of vindictive punishment.

[Fae Greenwood]

The trip is off due to the pandemic. It's a bit of a relief. We took a short trip in February and he injured himself the day before we left. He then exacerbated the injury our first day in another country. He refused to go to a doctor. We had to take a taxi to a big box store in an attempt to find some type of brace or support for the injury because he refused to ask any of the staff at the hotel, which deals with international guests a lot, for guidance. Of course we couldn't go on this excursion, or that activity, or to that show because he was in pain. We were able to change our flight and come home a day early. The next day the doctor advised exactly what I'd advised: ice packs and nsaids.
And our big trip was a cruise. I'd have been stuck on a ship with him being "sick" in some way and refusing medical treatment and we'd have to stay in the room all the time and then getting the blame on how we'd spent all this money and didn't do anything. The thought of being in quarantine  with home makes me shiver. I think I dodged a bullet on that one.

[GentleSoul]

Sounds a blessing in disguise that trip is off.

I related so much to your original post.  My uPD husband is similar.  What jumped out the most was the trait of injuring himself or being ill just before or on a trip.  My h does that too.

I will NEVER go on a trip with him ever again.  EVER!!! 

All the best to you.

[Medowynd]

I hope you can reschedule your trip later this summer.  It sounded like a wonderful time.