Please help me. Am I on the right/wrong track?

[Dinah-sore]

I think just thinking about sharing this stuff is causing me to have a panic attack. But I wanted to give an update. I might not be able to finish this. I don't want to trigger myself (or anyone else <3). And because of the nature of it, I am so afraid of what the responses might be (even if I deserve to be told off). So please tell me the truth, but gently. I am at the end of my rope.

I have posted before about the conflicts I have had in my marriage, since my DD was assaulted by an older teen boy about a year and a half ago, and how my H refused to face the situation or do anything to confront it (until very recently). Things kept getting worse, and then some families at our church/school who are friends with the family of this teenage boy began to slander my DD to other families, and that confrontation went poorly. And my DD began to have panic attacks. I pulled her out of church entirely and was going to call and make an appt. for a therapist the next day, but it was a Sunday, and my DD started passing out in her panic attacks. I took her to the ER (ALONE), my husband saw what was happening and decided to go to church instead of the ER with me. They tested her for health problems and believed that it was more from the anxiety; she was healthy.

So we got her into therapy right away, and she has been going and we (crap I am typing "we" and it isn't we it is ME), so let me rephrase. I got her into therapy, we reported the assault to the therapist, the police got involved, came to our house, then they made a report, went to the boys house, and then CPS called to chew us out (rightfully). My H was not there to talk to the police either. He came home in time for the CPS call, and the CPS lady chewed him out for not helping our DD. I told her what was going on, and how we disagreed. She was particularlly confused by the fact that he is a mandated reporter (he works at a school). His excuse to her was, "well, yeah I am a mandated reporter, but i was confused because this is my child." She was exasperated and said, "so you would do less for your own child?"

When she asked about our plan going forward, I was able to tell her that "I" pulled her out of church completely, and I have put her in therapy, and I was willing to do anything else she would suggest. She was okay with the actions that I had taken (actions my H was reluctant about). I feel so much anger at him, for putting us in a situation where CPS was notified. I am also pleased that CPS told him everything that I had said to him many times during this conflict. I think he needed to hear it from someone else. Someone with authority.

I am happy that we were able to finally do all the things that I wanted to do from the beginning. I am sad that I had to do it alone, and I wish he was more supportive. I think my whole life has fallen apart. My other child has a very serious medical problem that has turned out life completely upside down. I feel like I am making all the decisions now.

And I feel my H's resentment. Yesterday he yelled at me for talking to him about a newspaper article. He snapped at me and said that I don't ever talk about anything happy. We were on the way to a family event and I was crying in the car. Confused over why I can't just bring up a random news story without getting told I "never" talk about anything happy. Half of my opinions anymore are challenged with scorn as ridiculous or meanspirited or overgeneralizations. I feel like I can't speak at all without fear of getting snapped at. I wish so bad that he was emotionally supportive.

Please let me know if I am on the right track? What are your thoughts? I want to be a good mom. I want to be there for my kids. I want to protect them from harm and dysfunction.

I don't want to argue in front of them, but I also want to demonstrate to them to not put up with dysfunction. And I am exhausted, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. The kids and I have left the church he works at, so that I can protect them from the people there, so we have been cut off from our community. But it was toxic. last week my DD was officially diagnosed with PTSD, depression, and anxiety from what happened at the church. The psychaitrist said that she was in a situation where she had no control. My church hurt my kid. And even now, my church won't take a stand on behalf of my DD for the mistreatment that she endured on behalf of several toxic families. Those families (and my H) were serving at church today, and my kids and I sat at home. I will find us a new church, once my other child's medical condition improves for us to leave the house, but until then I am pretty much on my own.

Please, help me understand what is happening. I have tremendous FOG. But I want to do whatever I need to to help my kids. Please help me. *I apologize if this doesn't make sense, my head is spinning like a tornado, it is hard for me to articulate what is going on.

[Poison Ivy]

The truth as I see it is that you're doing an amazing job protecting your kids in very difficult circumstances, especially because of the lack of support from your husband.  You are brave and heroic. 

[NumbLotus]

Thank you for standing up for your daughter. She is always going to know her mother was there for her.

[Thru the Rain]

Good for you for standing up for your children.

I attended an abusive church as a teen, and only stopped attending when I was old enough to not need anyone's permission to leave. I finally said "no more" and it took about 30 years to attend church any where ever again. There's still a ton of damage and I have my guard up all the time.

I wish my M had been willing to stand up for me. She never did. My F had/has a fixation with some pretty controlling churches and it was a truly horrible experience as a child. He regularly stood up for himself, but never for any of the rest of us.

So....I've been in your daughter's shoes and you did the right thing. 

[FreeSophia]

You are on the right track. It has to be hard when your partner (your H) is not acting like a partner. It seems like he has completely shut down and is unwilling to face the truth because if he did so it would end what he believes to be true about the church that he works in. You have chosen to face the truth even though it is hard and it hurts. Your DD is lucky to have you.

[Whatthehey]

Dear Dinah-sore,

First, I like your handle. Clever.

Second, you are on the right track in parenting and placing your kids as a priority.  The bottom line is they are still kids and we as adults need to do what is right to protect them.  You are and it is a very tough situation.

I am struggling with how much to say to you so bear with me.  My DD attempted suicide and was hospitalized for a week.  My xOCPDh would rant and rave when we made the trip to the hospital - then put on a nice face - and rant and rave on the way home.  At the time (I was still in FOG) I chalked it up to anxiety, stress and fear. 

Unfortunately, the situation grew worse and I didn't see it.  I was struggling with my own depression post chemo.  My x was brutal to her and I didn't do anything.  Except for one night, I had a brief glimmer of sanity and almost packed them out and to a shelter.  I should've gone.  I waited another 10 years to leave and the damage to them is permanent.

You deserve to have someone in your life who is an emotional partner.  A support that will allow give and take.  There are marriages out there like that.

As for the church, I also know what that is like.  I am the last child in my family to attend our strict christian faith.  And I stopped a year ago.  Because I was told that I should accept the abuse - made my bed and I should lie in it by my family pastor.  Another pastor told me no - I as a sacred vessel of God should respect my body and soul and not stay in a position of abuse.

This is a tough time for you.  Be sure that you are also in therapy.  Also look into therapy that uses EMDR.  I found very helpful in recovering from a college sexual assault.

[1footouttadefog]

That is alot to have gone through.  That you daughter was not supported buy her father is a big deal, but you being there for her is wonderful.

Take your time figuring this all out.  You have removed your DD from harm and are supporting her healing by keeping her away from the perpetrator, and toxicity of the church. 

Maybe the two of you could have prayer and Bible study yourselves to reassure that it's a personal walk and not dependent on a certain group gathering. 

I hope she will find peace soon. 

[D.Dan]

You're doing the right things.

If possible, I would recommend couselling for yourself. Try to find some support. I found a lot through my kids disability services (3 severely autistic children).

Just so you know, it doesn't hurt to ask doctors, CPS or any other protective type of organization (DV hotline) for help for yourself. In fact, from my experience, they want you to ask for more help so they know you'll have the info to help your kids and yourself even more, if needed.

[qcdlvl]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're absolutely doing the right thing standing up for your daughter. I'm sorry if this is too forward, and maybe it's none of my business, but it's your husband who is failing you and your daughter.

[notrightinthehead]

Applause! You are so brave!

I can only try to imagine how difficult your life must be now. At the moment you have lost all the support that you are used to, even if it was toxic, mother, husband, church. You probably feel pretty alone at the moment. However, the therapist, the police and child services have taken you seriously. They have validated what you felt and said from the beginning. You have official confirmation that you were right!

I agree with the others that it might be beneficial for you to get counselling for yourself too, and if that is not possible, can you find a Codependency group or women's group for yourself?

You have come so far, Dinah, you are so far Out of the FOG now, you are standing up for your kids, you no longer let your mother or husband bully you. That shows so much strength and bravery. I think you are definitely on a good path.