Anyone struggle to not catastrophize when facing conflict at work?

[Blueberry Pancakes]

If you have lived the role of scapegoat in your FOO like I have, do you ever notice ingrained responses to conflict surface in work situations?  I am seeing what I think might be a parallel and wondering if it is common.
For example, in my FOO of course I was the one all eyes would settle on and all fingers would point to whenever anything would go wrong. It was always a downward spiral where I would desperately plead my innocence but still always end up wrong. I notice at work when issues arise, I immediately panic. I get defensive. My mind starts going through all scenarios where I just know I will walk in the next day and be fired. I think they must all think I am an idiot. Then I have to pull myself back.
I notice my emotions and thoughts spiraling downward. I can look back and see where I have sabotaged myself in the past and made situations at work worse than what they likely would have been. I used to go home at night at beat myself up. I knew I felt horrible, but did not have any specifics to tag it on and did not know where it was coming from. Eventually it would pass, until the next trigger.  Has anyone experienced similar? Do you think such patterns are typical of a scapegoat?  Thanks. 

[notrightinthehead]

Yes. And might be an indication of complex PTSD. It can also be a sign of Co-Dependency to assume responsibility for everything and everyone. To rarely feel safe.

There are strategies you can learn to help yourself get your run away panic mode under control. Mindfulness is one of them. Thought stop and rational self talk is another.

Now that you have become aware of what you are doing, you have already taken the most important and difficult step to overcoming it. Now you might want to make yourself knowledgeable and if you can, find some help in real life, a counsellor or therapist.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thanks not right. The validation helps. I agree with all you said. "To rarely feel safe" really hits home. I sometimes wish I could find a job where I feel "alright", but then realize that feeling does not come from others or from any specific company, but instead comes from a place in my own mind and heart.  Awareness has been the hugest gift. I am working on it, and it is getting much better. Mindfulness is a daily practice for me.  Thanks for replying. 
   

[clara]

I used to do this habitually because I'd been raised to believe that bad things happened because of me.  When you're a child, you can't understand what's going on, so it's easy for families to set up this reaction once they realize how successful they're being at it.  Unfortunately, some co-workers will realize you have this behavior pattern as well, so will learn to exploit it.  At that point, it's not just all about  you, but it can be really hard to see the difference.  The tendency towards self-defeating behaviors will automatically set in regardless of what is really going on.  I had to learn to step outside of myself and remove the emotions from the situation.  Then, rather than just react like I once would've, I could defend myself.  I started observing how other people reacted when they were in a similar situation.  Did they react like I did, or did they take a different route?   Did they really have different inner resources than I had, or did they simply have a better toolbox? 

[Amadahy]

Yes! It's exhausting!

I find I do a little better when I eat well, get enough sleep and try to find happiness in FOC and hobbies. However, my default is this. Ugh.

I am in therapy (scapegoat, c-ptsd, recovering codependent, anxiety, depression), but I don't always share this reaction w my counselor because of another default — shame.

Hugs and healing to you! (To all of us!) ❤️

[Sweetbriar]

I absolutely did this at work. (I have since left after neck and back problems became too much.) But I felt unsafe all the time. I did not have any idea when I was working that I suffer from Complex PTSD. I wish I had had the therapy I needed back then and the mindfulness meditation practice. It makes me sad to think of how unprepared I was for the work world after surviving such a chaotic childhood. I wish I could have been there for myself better. Those years of working were really hard.

I feel for you and I hope you might find a therapist who has a speciality in C-PTSD and trauma, so you can find ways to manage those very very difficult feelings.

[Ladymm]

Hey me too. But for example my coworker last time told me some stories in a way that i believed them and then another coworker said you dont see he is joking with you. The stories were really stupid like how people painted houses walls with colors from nature in the past. And since i had no idea about that it sounded like a true story to me. But all this dialogue was in front of the office and i got really pissed because i felt he was playing with me. So next time when he started to do the same i told him in front of all to stop telling me this stories and that then all laugh on me. I know im in a cynical environment there, but i stopped caring to overreact. The better option would be to tell him privately, but ok i caught the moment. I think putting a boundary however clumsily is better than no boundary. Next time i will do better.

But i won nothing my work is still full of weak people who are scared to lose their job and behave accordingly (most). Also i tried to clear things up privately with another coworker, but it doesnt help because i dont trust her.

There were jobs where i felt much better. I also was scapegoat in foo and have the fear of being fired,i feel less etc but anyway i  try to think i am always safe, like i was taught in therapy.

I think in a bad environment these fears are louder and lack of trust higher. Also assertiveness can quickly sometimes become defensiveness but to defend yourself, say how it is, how you feel is your right in any situation. When defensiveness becomes aggressive is a problem. But you can clear up and talk through any small detail in your life, any conflict that arises. This is corageous. If you will be in a healthy environment you will feel heard. Also you will trust more and be less reactive. I want to believe that.

[FoggedFrog]

Yes. Every place I've worked is me waiting in extreme anxiety like a ball could drop at anyone moment and my life will implode. This likewise leads to me being overly defensive and belligerent over small things which make things worse. I was never like this growing up in my house but it is like I am over-compensating now in defending myself as an adult as some type of coping-mechanism.

[mimzy]

Yes - this has been a real thorn in my side since entering the work force full-time, since I got sober 13 years ago. Oh, gosh, could I relate to what you shared. At my current job things were going well after working there for 2 years, then we moved from cubicles to an "open area" and it became hard to detach and not engage in gossip. Then I got pregnant with my second child and the hormones kicked in and everything was magnified. It was very hard for me (also a scapegoated child) to separate fact from fiction in my head with hormones raging. In the end, I was able to go on short term disability before giving birth, about a month early, but I fought tooth and nail to get approval from the state to do that. I was in no condition to be at work,  mentally and physically. It was a very hard situation to be in. Very stressful. The bottom line is, I am still learning how to cope in stressful situations. I tend to take on a lot on my shoulders to keep leaders happy - much like I did to keep my UBNPDM and EF happy. Trouble is, my caretakers (and often leaders) are unhappy individuals. So nothing you do will make a difference. And it shouldn't be up to us anyways. It's not our responsibility to make other people happy. But that has been a hard habit for me to break. Like someone else mentioned in their response to your post, it has to do with post traumatic stress disorder and those experiences run deep. During my maternity leave, I read about a technique where you observe individuals who tend to trigger you - it was in the book "Emotionally Immature Parents" - you simply make remarks to yourself about the people in your head... sort of like sports announcers do when observing a football game. Or an Olympic sport. This takes the sting out of what's happening and it becomes less emotional. Maybe that might help? Just know you aren't alone.