Newly Ex-Girlfriend with BPD (PLEASE HELP OR RELATE)

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CharleyBiaggio

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Newly Ex-Girlfriend with BPD (PLEASE HELP OR RELATE)
« on: February 04, 2020, 03:54:43 PM »
A longtime friend of mine led me to this message board.

I need help dealing with my ex-girlfriend dealing with BPD. I love her very dearly. We parted ways last week because of an incident involving her BPD, but there has been talk of giving our relationship another try, which I am entertaining. I donít know if I should do it, and I am being encouraged by friends (two with counseling/psych backgrounds) and family and people that have known her that I should run. However, I love her so much, and Iíve seen what a wonderful and beautiful person that she can be. I just need to know which side that I will see more if I stay with her and what I can look forward to and whether I can deal with it and how to deal with it.

First, she has been hiding that she has it. I was explaining her behavior to a friend and he instantly said BPD. After we parted ways, I was collecting her things to pack and found some writings where she talks about having it. Second, she is supposed to be going to therapy for that condition I assume. She hasnít been going. Third, she has issues with drinking that have been steadily increasing as we have been together. Iíve learned that three bottles of wine=the appearance of her other side (ďThe Dark OneĒ as I call it, not to her face of course). You also have to factor in her adderall, which I think she self-medicates with and has a serious addiction to the point that if she runs out, she is laid up until she gets more. What it comes down to is this: one side of her thinks that I hung the moon and the Dark One acts like she canít wait to put a knife in me. She is also extremely impulsive in her decision making. She definitely has no idea or concept of ďthe big picture.Ē Sheís never been physically abusive, by the way, but I am worried that it could happen. Our relationship has transformed from one of the worldís greatest romances into what could become a show on I.D.

Our relationship was picture perfect for two months. I kept telling people that I would marry her before the end of 2020, and even though we had spent a short time together, I wasnít lying. Then, she started to shift around Christmas. Until I confirmed it the other day (we split last week), I didnít know what was wrong with her. I thought that she was just going dealing with some personal issues with custody of her children that she was having and that they were seeping into our relationship. All I knew was that she became a complete Jekyll & Hyde. Things would be going perfect, and out of nowhere, the change would happen. Her mannerisms would change. Her eyes would be wide and judgemental. She would look me up and down with disgust and would cock and roll her head in this weird way. After I learned these signals, I knew that I would eventually be in for it if I saw it. She would start arguments out of nowhere and would persist until she got me whipped up with her. A friend told me that this is a typical behavior for someone with BPD. She also accepts no responsibility for her actions whatsoever. Even if itís absolutely undeniable that she started the argument, Iím at fault. Meanwhile, she would turn it off in front of other people. I got to where I liked having company, because she would shift back into that wonderful person that I wanted to marry. All the while, it seemed like she would conjure up arguments out of nowhere and pick at me until I reacted, which I typically did, because I was so frustrated and had no idea what I was dealing with. I didnít know her mental status. One time, we had had a beautiful night and we were ending the night having a snack in a bar. She literally jumped from having a regular conversation into throwing a mean, nasty, critical verbal jab from out of nowhere, and nothing had happened that night to provoke it. It had been perfect. This has been so hard, because up to last week. I had no idea that she had BPD. I knew something was mentally off with her. I just didnít know what exactly it was.

I think one of the more memorable stories involved me having a cigarette before bed. We were about to go to bed, and I went outside to smoke. She was adamant at me not smoking before bed. I obliged. Then, what followed was a 20 minute tirade about why I shouldnít smoke before bed as if I had lit up and blew it in her face. The whole time, Iím calmly like, ďBut I didnít have the cigarette,Ē which just intensified her. This went on and on until I turned out the lights and rolled over. Instantly, she starts shifting and grunting in the bed. She whipped the covers off and walks off into the house grumbling before shouting something incomprehensible before walking outside. I stuck my head out the door and SHE was smoking a cigarette. I was like, ďBaby, whatís wrong? What were you screaming out the door?Ē She replied, ďI SAID THAT IíM HAVING A CIGARETTE!Ē I slowly closed the door and went back to bed.

Another strange incident is that we came home from a night out and was having a pre-bed snack. She wanted me to turn on Netflix, just to fill the silence for the ten minutes that we would take to eat. I just pressed play on the movie that I was watching. She said that she didnít want to watch that movie. I asked what she wanted to watch, and I obliged. She then became frustrated and stated that she really didnít want to watch the movie that she requested. She REALLY wanted to watch what I had originally turned on but wanted to watch it from the first. Since it was 4 a.m. and we were on the verge of bed, I told her that it was a 3.5 hour movie and maybe we should watch it tomorrow. She lit into me, and I just got up and went to bed. She slept on the couch, got up the next morning, and left for a week in anger.

Sleeping on the couch has become commonplace, even when we donít have an incident. The last month of our relationship, she would rarely spend the entire night in bed with me. She would either sleep on the couch or get up and go sleep on the couch and then come to bed when I left for work in the morning. She claims this was from constant body pains that she was experiencing, but she could never tell me the nature of these pains. I just stopped asking, and the couch sleeping continued. In addition, she acted like she couldnít stand for me to have any kind of physical contact at times like my touch was gross. During the first two months, we were constantly snuggled up on the couch.

Another thing about her is this. She hasnít outright lied, but she just leaves out key parts of incidents. Whereas a liar will contradict themselves with retellings, she just adds to the story. You find out a little more with each retelling, and it usually tends to be more revealing about what really happened than the original story.

Our break-up started to roll when she came back from being gone for a week over the Netflic incident. When she came back, everything was beautiful just like in the beginning with physical affection and loving words and everything. Then, an incident that she was supposedly accidently involved in sent her right back to where she was. I donít feel comfortable discussing this specific incident in a public forum, but it would be something that would cause her stress. Last week, she told me that she had made plans with a friend to organize a closet. Sometimes, she doesnít like to be specific as far as when sheís coming home, and it usually means that she isnít. I knew that she wasnít coming home because of that and the fact that she took her meds with her. Let me add that behavior like this has triggered my trust issues that I have established from a cheating ex-wife and a cheating ex-fiance. Those have not helped things, because it makes me question her sketchy half stories, and weíll discuss how I plan on dealing with that at the end. So, I made plans of my own with some of my guy friends. She texted me that she was hanging out in a bar by herself and was ďboredĒ waiting for a girlfriend to get off work. I was already out and about, and little did I know that she was upset that I wouldnít leave what I was doing to hang out with her for the 20 minutes until her friend got off. She went back home for an hour and then asked when I would be coming home. I told her a couple of hours, which was true. Then, she told me that since I was out doing my thing, she was going to just go to her friendís house and organize her closet like she hadnít already told me this earlier that day and the night before. She was saying it in a way that was like, ďWell, since you have the nerve to go out without me, then Iím going to make plans of my own.Ē She had already made the plans and told me about them. I reminded her that the only reason that I made plans was because she made plans. This didnít phase her mindset. So, she goes to the friendís house. I text her and ask her if she wanted me to come visit. She said no. Five minutes later, she said that she would like for me to come over and hang. When I said okay, she followed it with a request for wine. Obviously, she just wanted me to bring her a bottle. I got upset because I was just being used as a wine delivery service. So, I get the wine and go over there and want to just drop it off and go home. This does not go well. I told her that she had originally said no to me hanging out, and I knew that she just wanted the wine. I told her that I didnít mine dropping it by and planned on going home. The Dark One appeared, and she denied ever telling me ďNo.Ē She also denied that her plans with friend were already set like they were in response to me going out. When I prove that she said it by trying to show her the texts where she said all these things, she wouldnít look and said, ďOh! You are just like the rest of the guys!Ē  She begins dressing me down and talking down to me and acting like I had just spit in her face. Unfortunately, I couldnít keep my cool and began addressing my problems with her including my trust issues due to her being vague on where sheís going, who people are, where sheís been, and what sheís been doing. The incident that I wonít discuss is part of that. Keep in mind I had no idea that she had BPD or the nature of it or dealing with it. She ends with a few statements that she wanted us to part ways, and I let it go in that direction. I was tired. I was beat down. I was a grown man almost in tears. I leave alone. The next day, I expect it to go like it has in the past. We would talk things out, and she would come home. Instead, she tells me that she wants to break up. She said that she has some ďissuesĒ that she thought were resolved, and they were taking their toll on me. She left me even though she had no money, no car (got repoíd), and no place to live.

Since then, she has been staying with a friend, who I donít think is the best friend to stay with during all this. She has another more level-headed friend who has known her for a long time and has experience with her behavior that I wish that she wouldíve stayed with. This is around the time that I find out she has BPD. Unfortunately, I laid out all my problems with her before learning all this. I have been trying to get her stuff out of my house as quickly as possible. They are reminders of good times and bad times. She acts like Iím just going to throw her stuff in the front yard, but I am packing them up carefully in boxes with some of her clothes going into garbage bags, which enraged her. Until yesterday, she has wanted to get her things while Iím not there and for me leave a key for her. At this point, I canít trust her in my house by herself because of her past behavior. She has been telling me the night before that she wants to pick up things. When she does, I put them on the back porch, and she gets them while Iím at work. This has been an okay method until yesterday. She finally has run out of room to put all her stuff and is frantic. As said way up at the top, this is another incident of her not thinking ahead. All of a sudden, she says that she doesnít mind me being there when she picks up. It also comes up that she still loves me. I canít help it, but I still love her too. After a week, she finally wants to talk to me on the phone, and I am ecstatic. She also mentions reconciliation. So, I come up with a plan to help us both. On my end, I would help her get a job (she never got one and I know someone in retail who would hire her right now), I would keep her stuff for as long as needed, and I would start counseling for my trust issues, which is something I need to do anyway. WIthout her knowing, I would also read some books on BPD and dealing with people with it, since she wonít tell me. On her end, I want her to curb her drinking, go to therapy regularly like sheís supposed to and get her own apartment to go to when she needs alone time. Until we feel comfortable going with a full-time relationship again, I wanted her to come over one night a week, and I would fix dinner, and we would enjoy each otherís company in a positive way. WIth the way she was acting on text, I thought that she would think this was a good plan. Instead, it went further South than before. The second that I say that I have a plan that might help us make things work, Iím accused of giving her ultimatums. I never get to even say what my plan is. Instead, everything is focused on me and how I need to change. She doesnít even realize that sheís the one who dumped me. She thinks that I broke up with her. I try to lay things out in a way that explains that the plan is a quid pro quo thing where we would be doing things that would benefit us together and separately, and sheís still acting like Iím giving ultimatums. In the end, she got her way or sorts. I told her that I would stop packing her things, which Iím not. If sheís moving out, then I donít want her to spend days packing her things, which she would do. It was a miracle that we got everything out of her apartment before she got evicted because she was unmotivated to do it. Iím not going to have that happen if sheís just blowing smoke. So, I am going to continue to pack her things. I told her that I would go to counseling for trust issues (and her too). In return, she offered nothing. Then, when she wanted to pick up some things from that day, all of a sudden, I didnít need to be there, and she didnít want to see me. I even offered her the house key back as a gesture of trust in her and goodwill to come to my house during the day when Iím gone and pack her things. She didnít take it.

I havenít talked to her since yesterday. Iím deciding what to do at this point. Right now, everybody is telling me to go while the going is good, but I know that the real woman that I love is still in there somewhere, but will she ever be able to function normally to a point that wonít frustrate me? Was she wanting to talk reconciliation to bait me into manipulation? Is there hope for us? Will there ever be any chance of getting her to a level where we can make our relationship work? Will I ever be able to make her understand her verbal contradictions, vagueness and secrets are doing more harm than good? Is she a lost cause as far as what I can do to help her?

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NumbLotus

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Re: Newly Ex-Girlfriend with BPD (PLEASE HELP OR RELATE)
« Reply #1 on: February 04, 2020, 04:59:02 PM »
They are both the real her.

Sorry. I know it's hard.
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

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GettingOOTF

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Re: Newly Ex-Girlfriend with BPD (PLEASE HELP OR RELATE)
« Reply #2 on: February 04, 2020, 05:20:35 PM »
I’m sorry for what you are going through. I was married to someone with BPD so have ridden this roller coaster myself.

If I’m reading correctly you’ve been together two months? Your feelings are real and valid and I would never tell anyone otherwise. Two months is not any time to really get to know anyone. You also describe a lot of intense drama for such a short time.

I married my BPDxH after a very short courtship. I was naive and had my own issues I’d yet to work through. I gave up over a decade of my life to that marriage and went through hell. It never ever gets better, you just learn to tolerate more.

I highly recommend reading Codependent No More. I recommend this to everyone who posts here in your situation. It really opened my eyes to my relationship habits.

My experience is that you can never make her understand. There is NOTHING anyone can do to help another person in the way you want to. This is classic Codependent thinking. I really wish I’d known all this back when I met my ex.

Often when we meet someone we think we connect with we focus on things like “the real woman” that we love. The real woman is everything you see. You cannot have one part without the other. My therapist says that everyone comes to relationships with their own baggage and that you have to accept all of that baggage, you can’t make them leave it behind and only take the parts you want.

You cannot control another person.  She is functioning normally for her, you cannot change this and only take the parts you want to. If she’s frustrating you now imagine this behavior over years and years. Imagine your frustration and what that will do to you over a long period of time. There are flags on both sides in your post. I’d focus on myself and take the advice of my friends. There is nothing but heartbreak ahead. Only you can decide what you are willing to tolerate, but one certainty is that you won’t be able to change her behavior. She’s a fully formed woman with her own feelings and impulses. Having a PD doesn’t invalidate those feelings and impulses. People are not things to be trained to behave a certain way. Trust me, I tried this for years with my ex before I finally focussed in myself. Classic Codependent behavior which I’ve managed to mostly get under control.
« Last Edit: February 04, 2020, 05:22:20 PM by GettingOOTF »

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eyesopen

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Re: Newly Ex-Girlfriend with BPD (PLEASE HELP OR RELATE)
« Reply #3 on: February 04, 2020, 05:34:16 PM »
Similar to what NumbLotus is saying, there's no way to separate the good parts of her, the "real woman (you) love," from the bad parts, "The Dark One."  If you want one, you'll have to accept the other.  There's nothing you can do to change her, she can only do that herself.

As you've discovered, there's no way to reason with her.  Like when you tried showing her texts as proof of her own words/actions, she turned it right back around to blaming you.

The way she treats you will always be dependent upon her current mood.  All the good deeds of the past are irrelevant if she's currently upset.  In her mind, whatever she's done to hurt you will always be because you did something to make her do it, never because she made the choice herself.

Please, take some time to look at her actions and pay attention to her words.  Not just the nice words/deed that build your love for her, but look at all the negativity too.  To accept her means accepting it all.  A relationship with her will always be on the edge, teetering between bliss and agony, changing without warning according to her whims.

Others are telling you to run.  I won't say that because that's your decision to make, but I will say that it would be a good idea for you to identify your own wants and needs.  Things like, "I need a partner I can trust and behaves in a trustworthy manner" or "I need a partner that reciprocates the love and respect that I show her" may or may not be important to you.  If you know what you need and what you are/aren't willing to accept from a relationship partner, then maybe your decision to stay or leave will be more clear.

IME, I played the "choose me, let's make this work" game for over a year.  It was like riding an intense roller coaster while blindfolded - moments of joy and bliss that I totally overvalued followed by mind-bending, nausea-inducing chaos.  Several times I thought the ride was going to smooth out and be good, only to be whipped around again without notice.  As of now, I've decided to get off that ride.  The thrills were intense, but not worth the equally intense pain and constant mindfuck.

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CharleyBiaggio

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Re: Newly Ex-Girlfriend with BPD (PLEASE HELP OR RELATE)
« Reply #4 on: February 04, 2020, 05:37:38 PM »
If Iím reading correctly youíve been together two months? Your feelings are real and valid and I would never tell anyone otherwise. Two months is not any time to really get to know anyone. You also describe a lot of intense drama for such a short time.

We were together for five months total, and yes, it did move very fast. I was caught up in the emotion of it all, and there was a lot of positive emotion involved. It was magical. It was so powerful that I was ready to move all three of her children into my small house and support them. I have always wanted children and got married to my ex-wife under the pretense that we were going to have children, which she denied me. I loved having her children come over. I got to be a dad, and it was awesome.

And yes, I recognize that I am codependent and have trust issues. I am starting counseling next week to try and prevent this from happening again.

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CharleyBiaggio

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Re: Newly Ex-Girlfriend with BPD (PLEASE HELP OR RELATE)
« Reply #5 on: February 04, 2020, 05:47:22 PM »
Iíve sent her two texts. She hasnít replied to either. So, Iím pretty sure yesterday was manipulation. Iím going to carefully pack her stuff, pay for a month at a storage unit and give her the key to the padlock.

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eyesopen

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Re: Newly Ex-Girlfriend with BPD (PLEASE HELP OR RELATE)
« Reply #6 on: February 04, 2020, 06:05:38 PM »
Iíve sent her two texts. She hasnít replied to either. So, Iím pretty sure yesterday was manipulation. Iím going to carefully pack her stuff, pay for a month at a storage unit and give her the key to the padlock.
That's nice of you to help out, although it's helping you too by getting her stuff out of your place.  If you're not already planning to do so, please consider putting only her name on the storage unit lease and leave yourself off of it completely.  I don't know if they'll let you do that if she's not there to sign, but you don't know what she'll do and I'm assuming you wouldn't enjoy being liable for unpaid bills.

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CharleyBiaggio

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Re: Newly Ex-Girlfriend with BPD (PLEASE HELP OR RELATE)
« Reply #7 on: February 04, 2020, 10:07:33 PM »
Iíve sent her two texts. She hasnít replied to either. So, Iím pretty sure yesterday was manipulation. Iím going to carefully pack her stuff, pay for a month at a storage unit and give her the key to the padlock.
That's nice of you to help out, although it's helping you too by getting her stuff out of your place.  If you're not already planning to do so, please consider putting only her name on the storage unit lease and leave yourself off of it completely.  I don't know if they'll let you do that if she's not there to sign, but you don't know what she'll do and I'm assuming you wouldn't enjoy being liable for unpaid bills.

Good call! A friend of mine said that too, and the reason made sense. I donít want to get accused of stealing her stuff. She would do that.