When you can’t have a different preference, opinion or genetic makeup

[Sidney37]

I'm recently NC with my uNPDm.  While considering whether I want to be VVLC or stay NC, I've been reflecting on why I'm NC in the first place. 

One thing that I get frustrated by is her need for me to never have a difference in opinions or preferences, but more strange to me are her objections to me having a different genetic makeup than she does.  I'm her biological daughter, but I have a father, too!   They are still married.   She knows that he looks different than she does. 

I know that with PDs they seem to think of us as an extension of themselves.  She wanted to be an accountant, so she's mad that I didn't become an accountant.   She won't eat steak and if she does it has to be well done.   It infuriates her that I eat medium rate steak.   She doesn't like when I buy clothes that are not her taste.   You get the idea.  She's downright mean about me having different preferences.

What I find totally confusing is her insistence that my body, genetic makeup and biological functioning should be exactly the same.   It would infuriate her when I was a teen or young adult that I had to shave my legs and underarms before going to the pool or beach.   She doesn't so I shouldn't either.   She has very fine blond hair.   I have thick dark hair.   I needed to shave daily.  She didn't, so i shouldn't either!    She doesn't need to shower every day.   I have oily skin and need to shower more often.   She would get mad if i showered more often and still be mad if i didn't and my hair looked oily.   I couldn't blow dry my hair in our tiny bathroom at home because my elbow would hit the wall as I pulled the brush through my hair.  That didn't happen to her, so I must be doing it wrong.   Her hair is super short and she's much shorter with shorter arms.

What is this about?  I sort of understand her getting upset over differences in preferences.   Who gets mad because someone's genetic makeup is different?   Why do they get so defensive about it?

[Honey_B]

This is my mother!

Since I was a child, my mother has seen me as an extension of herself so everything she felt, I had to feel to. The worst thing she did was when she got sick she would always insist that I was sick with the same thing as her and she would insist I took the same medication as her 

If she had a cold, I had a cold. If she had a headache, I had a headache. If I insisted otherwise, I was just acting out and she would react as if I had rejected her as a person.

My mother's hair turned completely white when she reached 40 years. I am now 45 years and my hair is still dark brown, however, she insists that its because I color my hair... which I don't  But she insists that I am lying and also tell other people that I color my hair.

Being different than her, not just having different opinions, but having a different haircolor, she sees as a betrayal and provocation. She needs to be perfectly 100% mirrored at all times. This is truely a sign of severe personality disorder.

[athene1399]

M is similar but in a different way. I don't know think she wants me to be like her, but she wants me to be like her idea of me. Like if she thinks I should like something, but I don't, she argues with me. She thinks I am too thin, but when I tell her how much I weigh I get: "that's impossible becasue that's way more than me..." [paraphrase]. So she thinks she is a good weight, but I am too thin even if I weigh more than she does. Never mind that that is because I have a lot of muscle becasue according to M I am weak. So I can't possibly weigh more than her because of the amount of muscle I have. Then I get the "There's no possible way you could lift that item becasue you are so weak.." as if she keeps track of what I can or cannot do even though she's never been to the gym with me and I haven't lived with her in over ten years. Then with the color I dye my hair: "Let me buy you the color you meant to dye your hair..." when it is the color I intended. When I tell her that I get : "Why would you pick that color? It's terrible..." becasue she hates it. But I love it and that doesn't ever matter because my feelings about anything never matter.

Regardless of why they have these delusions, it is so frustrating to hear constantly that things that make you you are "wrong" or "don't matter". Sometimes I feel like an unruly doll that she can't dress how she wants or style it's hair how she wants. She can't come to terms that I have my own mind, own opinions, and she defiantly cannot respect my wishes or ideas, especially when they diverge from her mental image of me.  If I live up to her standards I am less than and if i live up to my own I am less than. There's no winning really.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yup. Me too. Both Nparents definitely have the narrative of "just like your mother." I believed it for a LONG time. I was so good at predicting her reactions that we would often say the same thing at the same time. That is the most positive regard I remember receiving from her ever, in those moments. She was actually happy with me.

I do naturally have the same hair color as my mother. Dying it as an adult was a personal rejection. She convinced me to get a similar haircut to hers when I was younger. 40-something mom cut on a teenager 

She constantly gave me decor items that were her very 80s taste. Kitschy signs with "fun" sayings that I explicitly told her are not my style. Best one, "Please excuse the mess!" Double passive-aggression points. 

She also liked to claim we had the same kind of health stuff. She has "such sensitive skin" and so must I, for example. She flipped when she found out I use regular laundry detergent, not the hyper expensive hypoallergenic stuff she claims she needs. She assumes I'm going to have all the exact same experiences with childbirth as her. Nearly bleeding to death each time to hear her tell it. But then when I DID have a problem like hers, no empathy, only well she had it so much worse I think she was hoping I'd miscarry, like she did, so we could be twinsies.

[athene1399]

SO's BPDxw was like that with the health stuff with their D. She loved to tell people how similar they are, how they have similar health problems (even though SD outgrew it and no longer has the health issue), and how much they look alike too. she's always posting on social media what twins they are (even though they don't really look alike IMO. They just both wear glasses). I was with SD when she was explaining to her mom that she outgrew the health condition (4 years ago per the doctor) and her mom argued with her about it. I've never heard someone be so upset that their daughter was healthy. It was so bizarre.

[Sidney37]

She assumes I'm going to have all the exact same experiences with childbirth as her. Nearly bleeding to death each time to hear her tell it. But then when I DID have a problem like hers, no empathy, only well she had it so much worse I think she was hoping I'd miscarry, like she did, so we could be twinsies.

Mine appeared to be furious that I didn't have an only child like she did.  She had several miscarriages.  I had two children.  She had me - a daughter.  When pregnant with my son, she insisted that she didn't think she could love him.  She only liked girl babies because that is what she had!

[WinterStar]

Oh man! My mom, probably BPD, does this too. My mom is very, very overweight and the excuse was always that she is "big boned" and then she would talk about how I am big boned just like her. A couple of years ago, she started talking about how I'm medium boned. I was so confused because it was a completely new narrative and came out of nowhere. And she acted like she had never said I was big boned ever even though that's all she had ever said. I guess I don't weigh enough to be "big boned."

Also, I weighed 10.5 lbs when born, which she always said caused her to have a C-section. And when I was pregnant, she talked incessantly about how all my babies would be big because her babies were so big. Guess what? None of my three kids were over 8.5 lbs. Maybe it's because I'm medium boned???

[Andeza]

I always had to hear about how I looked like I was uBPDm's biological child... even though I'm adopted, and we don't have the same hair, nose, chin, cheeks, eyes, or body types. Not even close. But somehow in her mind, since we both had brown hair and eyes, that meant I looked just like her. She's also "big-boned" and while I'm not willowly, I'm slender and small boned. She made comments after seeing me when DS was 8-9 months old acting surprised that I got the weight off. Guess she didn't believe me when I texted her as much earlier that year.

Any time she finds out I have a different opinion to hers I get "My... you HAVE changed" said in a disapproving tone like change is a bad thing? Ugh. I don't generally wear makeup around her, don't want to hear her opinion good or bad. For years every time I saw her she demanded to know whether I had dyed my hair (she did for years) because she swore it was darker than it used to be. Had to show her my grays (I'm going gray early I guess, lol) to prove her wrong, then she acted like she was right anyway.

I had to dress like her growing up. Baggy, poorly fitting hand-down-jeans and baggy poorly fitting t-shirts were pretty much all I got to wear until I moved out and discovered that yes, some stores actually DO make my size! That's also when I discovered the wonders of shopping online, for everything stores didn't have. Next time I saw her she made a comment about my being "poured into those jeans" Yup. She went there.

[1footouttadefog]

Classic examples of how pd people can view others as objectified extentions of themselves.

Realizing this will never change no matter how much you give and sacrifice is important.  Then reframe the relationship within the reality until it is healthy for you.  This may mean not being involved at all or some middle ground.
.

[Call Me Cordelia]

She assumes I'm going to have all the exact same experiences with childbirth as her. Nearly bleeding to death each time to hear her tell it. But then when I DID have a problem like hers, no empathy, only well she had it so much worse I think she was hoping I'd miscarry, like she did, so we could be twinsies.

Mine appeared to be furious that I didn't have an only child like she did.  She had several miscarriages.  I had two children.  She had me - a daughter.  When pregnant with my son, she insisted that she didn't think she could love him.  She only liked girl babies because that is what she had!

Wow. I think that our mothers are the same. I have only sisters, and my son became an obvious scapegoat child. And once I "beat" her in the number of children I had, all pretense of caring or helping with my babies was gone. I do believe it was jealousy at work. Your mom both wins and loses for self-awareness though. Both for knowing that she didn't have it in her to love someone, and for apparently believing that's okay!!! I'm floored by that statement. So glad your little boy is no longer in contact with that woman.

[tob-ler-one]

My mother and I used to rib each other, or so I thought. I used to make the odd teasing remark about a necessary minor surgery she'd had. I thought I was giving as good as I got; because she used to do it to me.

And I didn't look like my mum, or so she used to tell me. Apparently, I shared physical characteristics and personality characteristics with my Dad, and my Dad's side of the family.

Hers were superior. She didn't come out directly and say it, say that she was so much better-looking, but it was heavily implied.

[fogremover]

My uBPDm is the same about genetics. My great-great grandfather was supposedly full blood first nation aboriginal. I did did DNA test that checks for these populations. Guess what? Nada, zilch FN blood. The response? It must must wrong, and she would get a DNA test to prove it. She never did. Why did her family push push this narrative? To get a band card, is my guess. So great-great grandmother had her children by another man than she married.