Hard post about Sex

[Oscen]

I think that the PD range for intimacy is all over the map.

I think when it comes to PD individuals that are being abusive (more likely NPD or BPD, I don't really know about OCPD), emotional intimacy is pretty consistent - it's non-existent.

Then the sexual intimacy is just a matter of what that person wants, disregarding the other person as no more than a need-gratifying object with no rights to needs or wants of their own.
Using their partner like a sex doll or completely denying any affectionate touch all comes from the same place even if it doesn't look the same - it's only ever about what they want.

[BeautifulCrazy]

I am definitely grateful for your candid posts about sexual / marital intimacy Jsinjin. It isn't something I would have brought up on my own, despite it being a deep and daily hurt.
You began an earlier thread in which you spoke about your hopes and expectations for intimacy vs. your disappointing reality post-wedding. Reading that was part of a real turning point for me! My beforehand knowledge of PDs was minimal and limited to cluster B stereotypes (NPD, BPD). I mistakenly thought disordered individuals were likely to be promiscuous and sexually insatiable! Ha ha!! So I naively thought the lack of marital enjoyment was unlikely to be related to my husband's personality disorder. Your posts especially, Jsinjin, prompted me to investigate OCPD more thoroughly since your described experiences seem such a mirror of my own. Turns out the lack of sex and physical and emotional expression is pretty textbook (cluster c /avoidant types) OCPD so I have very little doubt now that is what I am dealing with.
At the time, I was truly surprised to learn that I was not the only person cut off from basic affections in my marriage! Wow guys, it really sucks! Being able to share those special affections was one of the reasons I got married a second time  
I found it deeply upsetting to read about some of what you were going through with your wife.  Seeing it described in your words... being given an outsider's perspective... I came to some conclusions...
Your worthiness is not the issue!
Your desirability is not the issue!
Your expectations of intimacy and affection are normal and healthy. They are NOT unreasonable!
Witholding affection is an awful, horribly mean and degrading thing to do!
It isn't fair! It isn't in any way your fault! And you DO NOT deserve to be treated like that!
Which, our situations being very parallel made some things inescapably clear to me...
My worthiness is not the issue!
My desirability is not the issue!
My expectations of intimacy and affection are normal and healthy. They are NOT unreasonable!
Witholding affection is an awful, horribly mean and degrading thing to do!
It isn't fair! It isn't in any way my fault! And I DO NOT deserve to be treated like that!
Witholding affection is a form of abuse. It's only one of many types of abuse I am subject to in this relationship. Somehow I couldn't see it as clearly in my own life until I saw it in posts like yours.

~BC

[Jsinjin]

My worthiness is not the issue!
My desirability is not the issue!
My expectations of intimacy and affection are normal and healthy. They are NOT unreasonable!
Witholding affection is an awful, horribly mean and degrading thing to do!
It isn't fair! It isn't in any way my fault! And I DO NOT deserve to be treated like that!
Witholding affection is a form of abuse. It's only one of many types of abuse I am subject to in this relationship. Somehow I couldn't see it as clearly in my own life until I saw it in posts like yours.

~BC

Thank you so much BC!   I really appreciate this!    I hope and pray it motivates me to take action!

Jsj

[Adria]

I know Adult Children of Alcoholics have a huge problem with intimacy. This is coming from personal experience with dh.

[Free2Bme]

jsinjin,

Thanks for opening up a difficult topic. It seems to resonate with many here.

I am so very sorry for you and your situation.  It is not you. 
People without 6-pack abs and stellar employment histories have great sex lives.  It is not you.
It is not your body, intellect, net worth, or personhood in any way.  It is not you.

Although my situation was different.  My updxh was the gatekeeper.  He would withhold just to punish me for no reason.  He liked sex, but he enjoyed punishing me even more. So, he would go without just for the satisfaction of denying me.................go figure 

Ugh.....there is much to be grieved