Last behavior example, I'm done

[Jsinjin]

I'm tired of the behaviors reflecting exactly what the PD behavior traits say.   This is the last straw for me.   A friend pointed this out on social media today (I stay away from social media but my uOCPDw is addicted).   I had my debit card skimmed at the gas station which resulted in an initial ping of the account from some laundry place for a dollar and then shortly after that a 200 dollar purchase at some shop which we canceled and had new cards mailed to us and the fraud protection worked.    A close friend sent me an image of a Facebook post bashing me in a not very nice way about how her idiot husband decided to live dangerously and got our debit cards locked up.   

I wouldn't mind but at events she follows me around correcting stories, adding things to what I say to tear me and our home and our family down, I get really sick of not putting on a face of support and strength as a couple and a family.    I have advanced degrees, earned enough for a home on a  lake in a major city in a quiet neighborhood and can pay for the kids college with running cars that are late model, we have retirement and my job has health benefits and bonuses.    She does not work and volunteers for local politics.    I'm not being smug because I want us to be a string couple but why am I always a source of opportunity to be torn down for her as a complaint instead of being what actually provides support and life for a marriage.   I'm done.   I hate feeling like crap with the behavior of having to make a spouse or child feel crappy about themselves.

[Poison Ivy]

If this happened to me, jsinjin, I'd be very upset, too.  I'm sorry your wife does stuff like this.

[NumbLotus]

You're damn right you don't deserve that.

My H isn't too similar in behaviors, not ocpd for starters. But one thing that really resonates is this idea that we could build each other up, be rocks for each other. I am a freaking rock for people, I build them up and soothe them and encourage them and find the bright side. But some people just tear a marriage down. Weaken it. Destroy it.

Imagine hiw strong our spouses could be if they turned to us for support instead of destroying us? This is what makes it all so disordered.

It's such an odd, sad thing.

[athene1399]

I am sorry, jsinhin. This must be so frustrating and heartbreaking.

No one should have to deal with anyone saying mean things about them.

[clara]

This is oh, so familiar, jsinjin.  Only in retrospect did I realize that my uNPDexh did and said things like that because it was his one reliable source of control over me.  No matter what I did, something was wrong with it, something to be logged it into his book of examples of what a loser I was.  Which is what he wanted me to think, because that way I'd be too insecure to do anything about the marriage.  I'd start thinking of myself as a loser, and thus tolerate his bad behavior.  And yes, he'd go out of his way to find those examples.  He'd never acknowledged that the only reason we weren't living on the street was because I held a full-time job and paid the bills while he pissed away what little money he made working now and again on his "hobbies."  But he knew it was the truth.  He just didn't want me to know it as well, as if I was too stupid to know what was going on.  And that's what probably hurt the worst. We were supposed to be a married couple who married for love, the marriage to be a foundation of our lives, but to him it was nothing more than security from responsibility, and he figured he  could manipulate me into accepting that as what a marriage was.  Those manipulations included insulting me, demeaning me whenever possible especially in front of friends or family, making mountains out of molehills etc.   It took me a long time to realize I wasn't who he said I was. 

[losingmyself]

This is so true for me, too. He tells people I just sit on my phone at work all day, tells them I'm mean to him at home, that I'm vain because I don't want to go out looking like a slob.
It's all projection. It hurts, because maybe some people believe it, but I know who I am, and the people around me who see me work, and clean the house, and worry about the bills, they know. I am and you are, more than they say we are. You know the truth. Live your truth. That's all there is.

[Poison Ivy]

My ex doesn't denigrate me, but he also almost never acknowledges my good work record (same employer for 30 years; moved up from part time to full time when I had to, i.e., because of his unemployment and hiding money; freelance work in addition to the regular full-time job) nor my good financial and household management.  He will on occasion say something about me being a good mom (which I am). But ignoring my professional accomplishments and consistency hurts.