My kid signed up for military service

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SparkStillLit

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My kid signed up for military service
« on: February 06, 2020, 12:24:13 AM »
She did this all without us at all and is now just presenting dates and facts.
Updh is manufacturing chaos at every full stop.
There is quite enough upset and chaos to be going on with already.
She didn't do poorly, she did all her research and it's all really well thought out and as put together as one can make these things, but it's a total bomb drop.
I'm sure I know why.
I'm in pieces, kind of, and having a fuck of a time managing myself let alone unnecessary chaos and carry on.
Also my insurance just ended with my T. Terrible timing.

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11JB68

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Re: My kid signed up for military service
« Reply #1 on: February 06, 2020, 01:18:51 AM »
Oh spark, I'm sorry you're going through this. I know the feeling of being the parent who has to hold it together while the other one freaks out.
What we get, but the PD parent does not is that our kids need to be able to make their own choices and we adults need to deal with it and be supportive.

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Lauren17

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Re: My kid signed up for military service
« Reply #2 on: February 06, 2020, 02:30:14 AM »
Iím sorry to hear youíre going through this. I canít even imagine.
Iím sure youíll be there to support DD emotionally and logistically as she works through this transition. Thatís the important thing IMO.
Be kind to yourself.  :bighug:
ďYou held me down, but I got up.
Get ready, Ďcause Iíve had enough.Ē
-Katy Perry

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SparkStillLit

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Re: My kid signed up for military service
« Reply #3 on: February 06, 2020, 10:19:18 AM »
H said "how are you feeling about this?" And I sooooooo stupidly answered with my actual feelings. He immediately invalidated and overlaid with how HE feels, which isn't the same. I said that it didn't change the way I felt about it, and he snapped back that it wasn't always about me, and he was SHARING his FEELINGS like in a CONVERSATION.
I thought to myself, that's not how people converse, but I kept all further talking to myself and kept quiet. He immediately switched subjects and all my following responses were of the MC variety.
Aside from that he keeps firing nonstop "advice" at DD (he's never been in the military nor any of his friends or family) from things he's read online. She is very competently deflecting (more so than I, who keeps getting irritated and shutting him down which pisses him off. Seriously though, he's blathering on about shit he knows nothing about, like he's The Expert).  Then he says, I hope the military teaches her to accept help, and I'm just like oh my absolute fuck and I have to go away. Him and his "teach people/the kids" he's always trying to "teach" somebody something and it's really just lecturing or nagging or pontificating.
So all that is RAMPED. WAY. UP. and so is chaos manufacturing around every single little logistical thing. Like freaking out about getting to her graduation and finances and stuff. I mean seriously. She hasn't even left yet. Leaves in a month. It's an absolute STORM of chaos.

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1footouttadefog

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Re: My kid signed up for military service
« Reply #4 on: February 06, 2020, 11:25:21 AM »
I cannot imagine going through this with a pd. 

It's hard enough to process children becoming adults but the military of course has its risks to worry about.  Don't let that cloud the incredible opportunities it offers.  She is not going to be alone, she will be surrounded by many peers just as if she were in college.  She will form friendships and they will have each other's back. 

I grew up in a military family and in military town.  The most common early.mistake is getting into too much debt or buying too much of a car payment then going over seas and regretting it and selling for a loss.

I hope your dh settles down .  I am really sorry to hear you lost your insurance, that is big.  Hope you can replace it.

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NumbLotus

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Re: My kid signed up for military service
« Reply #5 on: February 06, 2020, 12:02:31 PM »
On top of everything else, I would be wishing I had a partner I could share my true feelings with. Like, even if I was ready to 100% support DD, I'd be feeling anxiety and fear and would love to share reassurance with a true partner. Not just take it but give it too, but be able to say "I'm scared of ___" and trust the response will be helpful ("Me too, but DD has got this") rather than blown bigger, weaponized against myself or DD, etc.

It's hard to have to emotionally support yourself 100% AND THEN have to deal with someone out of control on top of that.
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

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SparkStillLit

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Re: My kid signed up for military service
« Reply #6 on: February 06, 2020, 09:36:02 PM »
Yes to all. I'm super proud of her, and worried, and sad (in the way of omg my kid's leaving) and happy she found a way to...get an opportunity like this.
But so many things are going through my head and heart.

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11JB68

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Re: My kid signed up for military service
« Reply #7 on: February 06, 2020, 11:43:14 PM »
Spark I totally relate to uocpdh needing to be the expert, give advice, teach and train everyone.

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SparkStillLit

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Re: My kid signed up for military service
« Reply #8 on: February 07, 2020, 12:09:46 AM »
"Did you do pushups and pullups today" still at it. She's cleaning out her room and that's another thing. Nattering away about what she should and shouldn't keep, and she's all scared he's going to go through her things and throw stuff out while she's gone. I told her tape the boxes shut, he won't bother. I also said, in front of him, she doesn't have to make every single decision right this minute. We have plenty of room to store stuff. It's not like we're renting the room out or selling the place the minute she's gone. When she gets settled in some fashion and she knows how things really are, she can decide what goes and what stays.
I keep "going to bed" and such, poor kid, she's having conversation with me, but then he comes up and just drops in with some total non sequitur and it goes to hell in a handbasket. I can't stay in the room.

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SparkStillLit

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Re: My kid signed up for military service
« Reply #9 on: February 09, 2020, 02:53:12 PM »
He has to drop DD of for the physical today, she will be gone overnight.
Everyone is stressed.
He's picking fights with me on purpose. Leaps at any word out of my mouth. I got pissed and called him on what he leapt on. Kept making him clarify his claim of my wrongdoing and of course he couldn't, just went around in circles until he said he didn't care anymore, stonewalled and is now giving me the ST.
I really don't need this shit.

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SparkStillLit

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Re: My kid signed up for military service
« Reply #10 on: February 09, 2020, 02:56:48 PM »
As usual, he's looking for somewhere to blow a fuse. I'm tired and sad and beset. And more than sick of his inability to manage his own emotions, and his constant seeking of somewhere else to dump them and chaos manufacturing so he can blow up about something and vent emotion on someone. Normally me.

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SparkStillLit

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Re: My kid signed up for military service
« Reply #11 on: February 09, 2020, 03:56:31 PM »
Someone said when you were sick, or exhausted, or run down how it was hard to deal with this? Well, yes. I'm already tapped out, and he's hammering on every button and pulling every trigger as hard as he can. Because he can't cope with tiny emotions, let alone big huge ones like this and by GOD he is going to dump them somewhere!!!! Add his current unemployment and other crap, and I tell you, chaos doesn't need to be *manufactured*. He never unwound from my son's broken arm and lost season and whatever all those medical bills will be. Still totally high strung on that. I keep waiting for the snap. I've hardly spoken to him nor interacted with him since Jan 9 when I foozled my ankle and he was a shit. On Jan 11 my son broke his arm. Feb 1 or so DD made this announcement.

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SparkStillLit

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Re: My kid signed up for military service
« Reply #12 on: February 09, 2020, 04:30:43 PM »
He's really storming. Thinks Dd was terrible and snippy on the way there and "no matter how nice he was or how respectful" she was awful in return. Which is somehow obliquely to do with me.
I'm surmising he gave nonstop advice and cautions all the way, that's his usual MO. I'm imagining she was stressed, strained, and on high alert, so to speak. Not a good combination. She's always nippy in that state. Trying to force the attitude you want simply does not work. Both of them are escalating sorts. She has learned some de-escalation techniques, but no way is she going to use them in this state.
He always obliquely blames their conflicts on me.

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11JB68

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Re: My kid signed up for military service
« Reply #13 on: February 09, 2020, 05:19:28 PM »
Spark this brings back memories for me of how uocpdh was when we were preparing for ds to go away to college.
He had such anxiety over it (separation and otherwise). As a result I felt like I had to hold it together and be strong and reasonable to offset his drama. I'm fact it was during the visiting college phase that I finally said I thought we needed counseling. He couldn't stand the lots of control, plus the financial piece and the separation anxiety...
Also... When ds first started hs here signed up for a jr ROTC class as an elective. Uocpdh was so freaked out about it that ds has to drop the class and choose something else.

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SparkStillLit

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Re: My kid signed up for military service
« Reply #14 on: February 09, 2020, 08:48:31 PM »
Oh YAY now it's going to be nonsense because I bought "thai jasmine rice" which we so happened to have a 5# bag of that he's been eating, and also a 10# bag of "jasmine rice" which he "may not like". It's the same fuckin thing, you aren't that big a connoisseur and you aren't going to be able to tell the one allele difference!!!!
I swear if he says "never buy this again", his stock phrase, I may end up in prison!!!!
I'm SO DONE with all of it....
He made a big show of taking the puppy out, and praising and giving all the dogs biscuits. He always does this during ST, like to illustrate how I'm worse than dogs? Like, he'll do this, or greet the dogs, kids, CATS but pointedly NOT ME. It's all very silly.
He took my repeating his point to him as a vicious verbal attack (what?), went off, told me I should "listen to what he's saying once in a while" (wtf? That didn't even make sense. Does repeating his point not prove I was listening?), got mad that I said the point he was making (again, no logic), said I was reprimanding him (with WHAT???) and I was all the usual. It's like he was just spoiling for a fight and looked for the *first thing* or hell anything, even if it made NO SENSE, so he could go off on me after dropping DD at the recruiters.
He is always pairing my behavior with hers, like somehow we're the same person. He didn't like how she was on the car ride, so he came home and punished me. This is pretty usual. Even if she's here to punish, he usually won't and will take after me instead. Or maybe DS but that's more rare. If I haven't provided satisfaction he'll go after everyone.

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Poison Ivy

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Re: My kid signed up for military service
« Reply #15 on: February 09, 2020, 09:05:46 PM »
Are you wishing right now that you could enlist, too? (Anything to get away from this man!)

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SparkStillLit

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Re: My kid signed up for military service
« Reply #16 on: February 09, 2020, 09:12:12 PM »
I am. If it weren't that I'd leave DS on his own without enough tools to cope.
He's gotten dragged into the maelstrom.

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SeaBreeze

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Re: My kid signed up for military service
« Reply #17 on: February 20, 2020, 11:20:36 AM »
Going thru similar with the youngest child! He's not joining the military, but he's been accepted at a college in a large city a few hours away. He's flat out told me, privately, it's to get out of this dysfunctional house.

In addition, the usual empty nest crisis is paired with the understanding, for years now, that uNPDh and I have stayed together for the kids. I'm focused for now on the immediate logistics of tuition, moving youngest out, etc. I'm admittedly changing the subject when H flat out asks "So what are we doing when it's just you and me?" (Though I did reply once "You can do whatever YOU want, don't ask me!")

My secondborn actually left the nest first, in her late teens, and admitted to me she just couldn't stay in our house anymore. The eldest left next, several years later in his 20s, and finally confessed his "failure to launch" was due to his fear of leaving me and the youngest to fend for ourselves with H. It has broken my heart to see how each child has dealt with leaving, more than it has hurt to let them go. It has helped me, as much as them, to be supportive of their goals. They all know I'm just a text or phone call away, and our connections have thankfully stayed strong as they've come to understand my reasons for staying with their father. Hugs to you as you walk this same journey!  :bighug:
« Last Edit: February 20, 2020, 11:26:06 AM by SeaBreeze »