My own past issues

[djcleo]

I just needed to share that I have to keep working on / allowing faith to help me work as a team with my husband with working on the house and keeping it tidy. I finally am somewhat facing the fact that I have a lot of baggage and sore points with cleaning. My mother, whom I love dearly, carried on some of the bad behaviors of my awful grandmother (PD). I have to let the fresh air in to clear out the pain and frustration and slow self esteem I have regarding organization and cleaning from having lived with a mother who yelled a lot and said mean things. She was usually in a lot of pain, but it still hurt. I am having a really hard time not thinking in black and white. My mom was mean. Not all the time. But she said mean things or yelled or something. I have to admit it. I also loved my mother. She's a lot better than she was and likely has at the very least PTSD from her cruel abuse from my grandmother. However, she still had actions that hurt me. Wasn't patient. Didn't find ways to help me, a highly sensitive person, want to clean or to make it a game or routine, etc. If my mom thought I was thinking this, she would crumble. But I have to think it. I have to express it. I can forgive her, but I have to forgive myself. I have to let my little DJCLEO self be soothed and loved. Then I can continue to move forward in my partnership with my husband and love him by helping keep the house reasonably tidy.

[Poison Ivy]

I can relate.  I have some of my own past issues, too. 

I have a hard time showing vulnerability.  I'm sure this came from my (not-PD) family of origin.  My siblings can show sympathy and empathy, but my parents, not so much.  Guess who my ex-husband most resembles in his ability to provide care and comfort?  Yep, my parents. So, although being married to him didn't help with the issue, he and the marriage didn't cause it, either.

[GettingOOTF]

I have a lot of past issues I'm working through. Knowing this about ourselves is the key to true healing in my view.

I also had a lot of issues with cleaning. I lived in clutter and mess for most of my life. Part of it was that I never learned these things growing up. It's hard to explain as clearly I saw other people's clean homes over the years and it's not rocket science but it was simply something I didn't do. Then I married someone who was a borderline hoarder who constantly accused me of being an obsessive brat freak which was hilarious. Growing up I got in to trouble for petty much anything. I was scared to touch stuff. When I made an effort to organize my room or do a anything to make things pretty I was made fun of by my family. This is something I see I've carried with me into adult hood.

You really can trace everything you do today in terms of how you live and conduct your relationships back to your childhood.

I have found having a clean and organized home crucial to my healing and a happier mood. I grew up in chaos and then lived in it myself for most of my adult life. Having calm, clean surroundings really helps me see how far I've come and to feel good about myself. I've been sick for a couple of weeks and feeling very down about myself. I'm getting better and this weekend I cleaned. I had really let things go when I felt so bad about myself. I'm slowly getting back and the place is looking better.