Controlling reaction to anxiety?

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PeanutButter

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Controlling reaction to anxiety?
« on: February 06, 2020, 05:35:15 PM »
I want to be able to be aware of when I am more anxious than normal. (this is an occasional happening, but was quite constant before I became aware of my inner critic) I dont notice until long after my dysfunctional defence system has taken over and left a trail of damage where none should/would have existed. I was going through it all in my head, trying to 'name' the 'role' I put myself in. Helper? No. Teacher? No. Fixer? Not. Awh CONTROLLER! YES!  As CONTROLLER I have all of the answers suddenly. As controller I am no longer less than. Because as CONTROLLER I treat my H as less than. I make a judgment that he has less 'knowledge' than I.
This relieves my anxiety momentarily, but its at the permanent expense of his trust, confidence, and security in my love.
I will no longer accept this behavior from myself!
The 'worry' that sets me off the most is about how my husband reacts or doesnt react to me. I get it in my head that if he would just do xyz then we would interact in a healthier way therefore have a more perfect relationship. But trying to 'change' his 'emotional' language and pshylogical makeup is unhealthy and causes an unhealthy/unhappy dynamic between us.
I am hoping that typing it out will help me. It will at least be documented so I have to face it. 
Can anyone else relate or have a perspective from the 'other' side of this? Thanks.
🍃"The way we speak to our children becomes their inner voice."🍃
–Peggy O’Mara
🍃“That which is created in a relationship can be fixed in a relationship.”🍃
Murray Bowen, MD

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theonetoblame

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Re: Controlling reaction to anxiety?
« Reply #1 on: February 06, 2020, 06:16:35 PM »
I've hear good things about this app https://woebot.io/how-it-works

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PeanutButter

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Re: Controlling reaction to anxiety?
« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2020, 03:30:40 AM »
I've hear good things about this app https://woebot.io/how-it-works
Do you use it yourself? What good things did you hear? The reviews are not very encouraging so I wonder if you will elaborate?
🍃"The way we speak to our children becomes their inner voice."🍃
–Peggy O’Mara
🍃“That which is created in a relationship can be fixed in a relationship.”🍃
Murray Bowen, MD

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1footouttadefog

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Re: Controlling reaction to anxiety?
« Reply #3 on: February 07, 2020, 10:38:52 PM »
When I have uncomfortable interactions that result in anxiety I used to come home and stew over them and wonder what I could have done differently and would over anylize and remember the dialogue and look for clues etc etc.

Now I instead, think, what did I feel.  What fear or anxious situation did I relate to at that time.  What was I afraid was being said or was going to happen.  What statements pushed my buttons etc.

This has helped me to discover my own vulnerabilities and what underlies my own overreactions.  These are not always acted out or upon, quite often they are just feelings of anxiety or unease.

I ha River the years identified that they typically happen around certain types of people and I can often spot them ahead of time now and instead of my reptile self reminding with the past I am able to respond more conciously in the here and now.

Working through questions like what could  have really happened and what would have been the response,  makes me see that I don't in all actuality have to be in control of the situation beyond myself. 

You can only work on you part of all this stuff.  However that part can include barriers and boundaries that reduce anxiety as well as reducing your own bad habits or respondes that play into situations .  For me getting a handle has had a secondary benifits in that I know I did my part of things ever get to the point of entirely disengaging from the relationship.




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PeanutButter

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Re: Controlling reaction to anxiety?
« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2020, 04:56:31 PM »
When I have uncomfortable interactions that result in anxiety I used to come home and stew over them and wonder what I could have done differently and would over anylize and remember the dialogue and look for clues etc etc.
Now I instead, think, what did I feel.  What fear or anxious situation did I relate to at that time.  What was I afraid was being said or was going to happen.  What statements pushed my buttons etc.
This has helped me to discover my own vulnerabilities and what underlies my own overreactions.  These are not always acted out or upon, quite often they are just feelings of anxiety or unease.
I ha River the years identified that they typically happen around certain types of people and I can often spot them ahead of time now and instead of my reptile self reminding with the past I am able to respond more conciously in the here and now.
Working through questions like what could  have really happened and what would have been the response,  makes me see that I don't in all actuality have to be in control of the situation beyond myself. 
You can only work on you part of all this stuff.  However that part can include barriers and boundaries that reduce anxiety as well as reducing your own bad habits or respondes that play into situations .  For me getting a handle has had a secondary benifits in that I know I did my part of things ever get to the point of entirely disengaging from the relationship.
1footouttadefog I dont know if you will notice this post since its now been awhile but I had to come back to say thank you and I hope you eventually see this.
 There was a similar incident this morning. At first I started reacting the same old way with controlling behavior. But then I remembered what you typed here. So I thought "what are you feeling PB?"
 Then my focus shifted from what my H had 'said' to what I was feeling.
 I was feeling like I had been 'mocked' and was hurt. Yet H had not mocked me at all. It transformed the situation.
Like you I discovered the feelings originate with the past NOT the present. It was an unhealed/ unacknowledged wound/ trigger that I have.
Thank you! Your sharing helped me to have better insight!
🍃"The way we speak to our children becomes their inner voice."🍃
–Peggy O’Mara
🍃“That which is created in a relationship can be fixed in a relationship.”🍃
Murray Bowen, MD

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1footouttadefog

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Re: Controlling reaction to anxiety?
« Reply #5 on: February 16, 2020, 07:02:22 PM »
You will read on this forum over and over the terms "feelings as facts"

It's the idea that a pd person will perceived what they feel about a situation as the facts of that situation.

Of course this can be a habitual and even chosen way to look at the world for a pd and especially a covert narc or borderline person.

On the flip side if we consider that quote often the of person developed these coping mechanisms or manipulations of the world around them as a response to abuse or neglect of their needs emotionally or other wise, it's easy enough to see where a non of person could have some occasions of resorting to similar thinking or behaviours.

That being said, I am not saying mins are actually of of they ha e some areas that need improvement, just that living in a pd rich or abusive environment makes it easy catch their fleas.

Honest self analysis can go a long way towards identifying such things and bettering one's self.  A pd thinks they are all good and it's everyone else. 

I am glad you were able to identify the source of the anxiety and adjust your response.  Over time the small corrections/adjustments/realignments will add up.

The best part of this process for me is knowing I fixed what I could from my end of it so if my pd and I ha e to part ways I will know i tried even if he did not.