I finally called him out - more gaslighting, word salad, shouting and then he bl

  • 2 Replies
  • 448 Views
*

littlepixie

  • New Member
  • *
  • 4
Crying from a mix of shock, sadness and some big pride in myself

posted about my ex before

I finally rang him tonight to tell him our continued contact was unhealthy and for me to finally say how horribly he treated me. I felt I owed it to myself - to stick up for myself and stand up to him to let him know I wasn't scared of him.

He answered the phone and seemed really excited to hear from me - chatting and talking quickly, flirting etc.

And then I said after about 45 mins - so I rang to speak about what we're doing as ex-partners. He responded quite well initially, saying that he acted on the emotional side of his brain rather than rational when he broke up with me (refer to the above story - for ludicrous reasons), and that it wasn't me he didn't want a relationship with - he just couldn't handle a relationship, or the stress that came from it.

This was news to me. In the breakup, he made out it was because I was manipulative.

Anyway, the more we talk, the more ludicrous it becomes. He was skipping from point to point, and not answering any question I had. When I said "do you think I deserved how you treated me?" he said "some would say yes, some would say no - but, the main issue is communication, i felt I couldnt communicate with you, and the whole thing about distance and not being able to..." and I would interrupt "but, did I deserve the treatment when you broke up with me?" and he said "I think I have already said I was sorry for part of that, and explained it was my emotions acting out" ... me: "but, did i deserve it?" him: "i don't know".

Main points were:

he said that we carry on talking because he will not be getting into a relationship again and that he would "step aside" when I wanted to start a relationship with someone else.

when I asked him why he let me stay at his if he didn't want a relationship he said it was because it was easier than driving me home. When I asked "did you want me to stay?" he said "not necessarily". I then asked why he had sex with me - he said that that was a different issue and "not relevant". When pressed, he said he "regretted it"

he said i couldnt see things from his POV, and when i said i could, but didn't agree he would say "see, this is our problem, we broke up because of a communication problem"

when I asked why he hadn't asked me how I felt after the miscarriage at any point since the breakup, he said "I told you at the beginning I struggle with empathy"

he said he continued to speak to me because we had similar interests - he compared it to falling out with his brother, but still texting him about his opinions on a book they were both reading.

We ended up arguing for about an hour about the coffee shop incident (in the original post link). He was adamant that i was in the wrong still, only this time he actually said: "so my girlfriend feeling sick takes priority over my running?" and I just said "OBVIOUSLY YES."

I said everything I needed to: how I didn't deserve it, that he was in the wrong, that I wasn't a bad person, it wasn't ME who causes problems, how it wasn't normal to go from seeing a person as amazing to terrible because they were moody on three different occasions in an otherwise nice relationship.

When I mentioned the sex made me feel used - he actually said sorry. He also said "that makes me feel like a shit person" ... I didn't respond.

I ended the phonecall. I just checked and he's blocked me everywhere.

Hardest thing I have ever done - but it's done. And I know I wasn't to blame for any of it.

BLOCKED AND FREE

*

NumbLotus

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 597
Glad you feel like it's something resolved. I too once had it out with a narc - quit working for a narc boss - and to this day I am glad I stood up for myself even if it didn't change him at all.

You may be turning things he said over in your mind, trying to understand them. But you can't take anything he said seriously.

He was not communicating with you. He was saying words to you for the purpose of getting through the sentence in a way he could live with. Pretending to "respond" but really just "here are some words that she will believe is a response." Even things that sound like admissions may not be true. His memory of an event, and his feelings about it, will change with the winds. His house is built on sand.

One thing you can take seriously - he told you how disordered he is.
Just a castaway, an island lost at sea
Another lonely day, noone here but me
More loneliness than any man could bear

*

eddiegirl

  • New Member
  • *
  • 8
I can really relate to your conversation. It was even painful for me to read. Especially how you attempted to stick up for yourself (I think that's good for your mental health, even if he didn't process any of it or care). I did the same thing. He didn't give two sh$%S about my feelings, but I felt that I took my power back. But saying he regretted sleeping with you, he only talks to you because  of similar interests, letting you stay because it was easier than driving you home, would gladly step aside when you find a new relationship... all of this devalues you. At least, those types of comments made me feel devalued. And then I would try desperately to PROVE my value by arguing, and becoming a bit of a narc myself (I got fleas for sure). There's no way for us to prove our value to them, because we have none. It's a harsh reality and so painful. I've started to think of him as an open electrical outlet... stick your finger in and get burned. Try your best to stay away. I'm doing the same thing.